This is What Trauma Looks Like

This is what trauma looks like.
It's waking up from a nightmare, unable to think past the ghosts in your mind.
It's trying to get ahold of someone, anyone, but being unable to speak past the hyperventilating and sobbing.
It's trying to mimic EMDR therapy but you're still freaking out so you end up bruising your thighs, beating them like a drum because you just want to hear something other than your own heart pounding.
It's hiding in a corner instead of confronting your fears because this corner is the only darkness you're not terrified of.
It's doing whatever you can to not think about it so you clean or your drink or sleep or anything that can distract you, sometimes even for years.

Trauma changes you.
A shower isn't just a shower anymore.
It's an attempt to wash away what's happened.
A bed isn't just a bed, but is a horrific memory or the only place you feel safe.
A city isn't just a destination, but a warzone filled with the bits and pieces of your former self, your 'before it happened' self.

Trauma isn't just bullets or death.
It's an awful experience that haunts you when you least expect it.
It keeps you trapped, even when you feel free.
Anything can and will set it off.
It's not a joke and it's not a 'sensitive boundary'.
It's a line that you don't cross.
You don't 'just get over it' or 'move on and leave it in the past'.
You cope, because that is literally your only option.
And you fight, because that's all you know how to do anymore after living through your own personal hell.

My trauma made me who I am, and yet despite the fact that a sentence like this always ends with 'and I'm so grateful', I'm angry.
I don't know who I would be without going through what I went through, but I'm exhausted being this scared all the time.
I'm tired of avoided places, avoiding activities, avoiding saying how I feel.
I'm just tired.
Of being strong, of having my shit together, plastering on a smile the way I plastered the holes you left in my kitchen.
And I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but maybe I deserve a chance to break down.
Shit, it's not like I get to cry very often surrounded by the faces that want to see me healed.

They, you, don't want to see this.
You don't want to see the tossing and turning, the bruise-like circles slowly forming as each night goes by with eyes wide open.
You don't want to look too closely at the thin pale lines marring my skin.
You don't want to know the stories behind the pain pills I'm too scared to take because all I feel is the pain from overdosing trying to trade depression for death.
So we don't ask, don't tell.
We play this game of pretending trauma exists only in the mind of the past, not the present.
But right when you think you're past it, you're healed, that you've finally found that last piece to complete the mosaic of who you are, the sandbox bully rips it down and says, I'm back.

The Way I Love(d) You

It is, was, the way a child loves a dog
Man's best friend but man
You're my best friend
And just like a child is clueless to the way a pet can suddenly disappear
It hit me like a boulder falling on top of an ant
And I swear to God I didn't get a chance to scurry to safety
One minute theres a sky and the next there's nothing
Nothing but life continuing around my breathless shell
The world keeps spinning and it's like it left me here and I still haven't caught up

In college I learned that eyewitness testimony is faulty
You're more likely to remember every detail of a weapon than you are the perpetrator
You're more likely to stick to your guns when you're not sure because that's how we're wired
But I don't even care about statistics because I remember
The day we met, swollen with a baby
Hobbling with my walker to meet this babyfaced man that claimed to be older than me
Showed me ID just to prove it to me
I remember you calling me sweetheart
Which you do to every girl but you are the only person to ever call me that
And I only want to hear it from your mouth or your texts or your snaps or your Messenger
I want to hear it in the wind in your voice with your smile and your laugh with your eyes and your hands
No one and nothing else

I remember when when you came to my room smiling like a fool
Because a newborn was waiting to greet you
And I barely knew you but you were there
I remember when I left and you didn't let go
Fiifty or so miles was nothing to you or me
I remember hitting on waitresses at Applebee's and daring you to get a number only to get rejected because she had a man but you said it was also because she thought you were dating me
I remember when I told you I was happy in love with someone else and you took it like a champ but you bought me flowers when he left and you stayed with me
And when He entered my home
Like a spy across a warzone
Only to tell me I was His and His alone
And made that recording on His phone
As He hurt me
When He left I called you
But you didn't answer
And when you found out what had happened you said why the fuck didn't you call me
I could have protected you
And of course we exhanged logs only to find some unknown reason why you never got my plea for help

There was a time when you wanted me to dance with you
And I told you I can't dance and you said I'll show you
I had this date planned and I can show you
Now I can't even remember which song it was

Four has always been my digit
You know that I'm a musician
So babe watch this, listen
Fourth grade, Suzuki Book Four, song four, four eyes, and four friends
Alea, Carlee, Brex, Morgan
And now four pets, four family members, four friends
You're my favorite though
You wanted four kids
And now I think four isn't as great as I thought it was because
Four years wasn't enough
You were gone four days later
And four letters into the alphabet lies you, D

Now it's 6 in the morning and I'm still up
Thinking of that fourth day
Hearing her screams
I hear them in my dreams man
I can replay that whole night in my head
From the moment she didn't make sense
I thought she was gone dude
I kept looking for some indication of you
Besides the cops and your car in the driveway and my unanswered calls
The silence like a black hole devouring all my hopes
Like it devours planets
I thought you were missing
God, I wish you had just been missing
So I stayed
And I stayed and called my husband and our friends
And I looked for anything else to say than he's dead
And I stood across the street until that bag was full of you
And then the eye of the storm was right over my head until the winds came back and the torrents soaked my coat and my hair and my eyes
And my lungs shrank in that moment when they took you away because I haven't taken a full breath since
And I swear they forgot how to expand when I stood there because my body wouldn't inhale, exhale
Instead it was no no no no PAUSE.
And what better way to hesitate the world's spinning than to stop breathing?

And I still can't sleep because I need to speak
I need to find the words to articulate this feeling
I need to breathe again

I have a big vocabulary and you know I love to be a grammar nazi but right now I don't know how I'm supposed to say it
Do I love you
Or did I love you?
Because we don't speak of those past in the present and love is a verb
But I can't justify saying past tense because I still love you even though you're not here
And I can't talk to your memory unless I talk to the freakishly feminine shirt you gave me from your high school days
Or the hoodie you gifted when I begged you for a piece of something so I could visibly claim you
And you told me to not mourn you long when you die
But it's been a few weeks and I still hate my heart for beating when yours isn't

Every time we love we give fractions of our hearts to another
I gave you such a large portion
And we all hope we can get it back when we inevitably breaks
But you took your share with you thank God
Because once it's back, it means the feelings are gone
Another ship passing by without a glance
But your photos are everywhere
And this pain, it's a relief because that means that you still have that part of me
And since it's in the afterlife now I'll never get it back
But I don't want it back because I want to keep loving you

I'll tell my daughter about her favorite uncle and my son about his
And I'll write until I find out how words on a computer screen will bring you to life again
The way science can bring one back from the edge
I've got pieces of you, too, though they may be small
They may be enough to fill some of the hole
I can mold myself around them like clay
And set them ablaze and watch them harden into a makeshift replica of what I'd hoped for us to be
And maybe, for now at least, that will be enough.

Choices

i told myself id never be scared again

'ill be damned if i fear another face

because ive conquered my demons'

they only come out when i feed them

and goddamnit im feeding them

a fucking feast

of bones and fat and scars and brains

because what good is a mind when ill be gone anyway?

this only ends

with one of us dead

and fortunately for you, im already prone

to finally fucking go home

maybe then ill get peace

maybe i'll get a piece

if only a sliver

of  my mind because i cant hold my liquor

and i cant go to prison

even though ill always be your beautiful little prisoner

because you dont need a cell

when you can just help me destroy myself

i miss being happy

i miss being weightless

i miss being breathless

i miss feeling guiltless

i miss feeling beautiful

i miss feeling strong

i miss breathing

i fought tooth and nail

to keep myself intact and i failed

i lit myself on fire

and watched my body burn

and damn that hurt

but when all was over i stood up

brushed it aside

hardened my heart

and became a rock

became an island

because a rock doesn't feel pain

and an island never cries

and i will not cry for your mistakes

you chose to hurt me

you chose to take what i would not give

you made that decision

not me, not the man i made you

you chose to pick up the bottle

you chose that over her

not me, not the man i made you

you make your own damn choices

and i made mine

i chose to stay with you

i chose to protect what you left me with

i chose to protect myself

i chose to move on

i chose to make you pay for what you did

i chose vengeance

but that's what happens when everything is stolen from you

thats who you made me

deal with it.

So I'm Drunk. Your Point?

your skin was different

not in a bad way, just a different way

it was a mystery i wanted to solve

a complex puzzle of riddles

and i wanted to solve them

good God i wanted to figure out what

made you tick

made you love

what made you hate

what made you breathe

i know what made you fuck

but what made you, you

what about you was so damn hard to let go

what did you do that made me fall so goddamn hard

what about you made me stand by so fucking gracefully

that i was waiting for you to finish with her so youd

finally come home

what about me so impressed you

what made you leave

your skin was so different in every way

your scars were stories yet to be told

and shit, you dont have to even tell me

either way it cant change us

your eyes were just massive

not like in size but intensity

they gaze in my direction and i falter

i fall like a wounded animal

but goddamn it felt good

and youd lay me on the bed and youd lay there too

and wed fuck or wed talk

or both, whichever was fine

and id always wish id chosen this sooner

your hands were massive

and your arms were strong

and you made me feel so bare anyway

so i wanted to give my pain to you and take yours

maybe we can make the load lighter for the both of us

but i woulda taken it all if you asked

I would have taken it if you'd only asked.

i don't even like naked bodies

got too many insecurities

too many sensitivities

i think asses are weird

and thighs are too easily mistaken for what they lead to

and cocks are sent in too many pictures and used in too many rapes

and chests are representative of how much damage a man can do when he's pissed

but fuck, I love yours.

i look at your chest and see a heart

a bleeding one, sure

literal one, sure

but the figurative one is my favorite

because i wanted it so badly

and i could hear the literal one beating

and feel the pulsating as i whispered against your skin

but i wanted the broken one

the one that i knew

the one i could relate to

the one i knew i could fix

if not, then shit

i'll love you enough to fill the holes

given by the bullets shot by your shitty life

because i've got some too and if i can do it for me then i can do it for you

everything with you was drug induced

and i dont even get high

but you, boy

goddamn

shit dude

i dont even wanna feel differently than when im with you

theres no way anyone actually survives that kind of overdose and walks away the same

and this doesnt even make sense, it doesnt really have to

because im drunk, youre sober

and im still angry that you left

and that we was stupid

and that you were a dick

and i was a bitch

and you were the only spot of shade

and then you turned and i had to find a new shadow to hide in

and i hate that i cant hate you for that

and that you wont even make me hate you for that

because itd be so much easier

Fire

youre back with your excuses

we're all victims of our environment but youre not a tree and im not a bird

im supposed to be a human being and so are you

and yet you speak with the whisper of a rain on a hot summer day

and it grows and it grows and you become a torrent of water raining down and flooding me

with your indignation and your self righteousness

and im so busy minding the storm that i dont realize that im changing

i spend so much time closing the windows and preparing for the wreckage that i forget

the monster inside, the monster created by birth and tragic happenings

and i forget what im capable of

and your storms wind whips me up into a fire and feeds me with its oxygen and i burn

you see im normally a smolder

a campfire abandoned by those who are my origin

and i give light and heat to those who tend me

you give water and life to those who surround you

but water and fire never mix do they?

you feed me and feed me

and blame me

theres no need for fire with electricity around but water cannot be replaced

it it werent for you id have burned the worlds to the ground

there you go again, fixing my mistakes

and we argue and argue

stupid conversations that are never solved but then the campfire is left unattended with plenty of wind

from your stupid storm and it spreads and grows and spreads and grows

and fire has to remind you that i created this world for her

and i gave her warmth and i shielded her from the world

and you gave her water necessary for survival but it makes us cold

but the problem with fire and water is that water always wins

water extinguishes fire

and even though you made me what i am

i can never beat you

but water sinks ships and water drowns

and water suffocates fire in such a tragic way

you suffocate me in such a tragic way

with your excuses and indignation

and you put out the fire you created and flood the area

so i cannot burn, i cant keep her warm

i cant protect her from you when you're stupid, stupid water