Remember Me

Please remember me

Remember all I've done for you

All the times I've coddled you

Worshiped you, bowed to you

Remember the times I had with you

Because I do

I remember the happiness, the inspiration

The dates, the plans, and dedication

The disloyalty, deceit, and pent-up anger

The forgiveness I still feel even though I'm a stranger

I don't know who I am

Don't even ask about you

But this isn't what I pictured

What I imagined

I thought we'd be married

Have three beautiful children

With college degrees and a home of our own

Not a miserable life where I feel so alone

I feel attacked, I feel isolated

I feel like you couldn't care less if I made it

It's like you've cut off emotional contact

Unless it's you that needs me

And I hate it

I shouldn't be hating me life

Feeling like the last few years have ruined me

I don't want to resent this life

Beause I chose it

But I'm so unhappy

Nothing I do is good enough

You find the smallest thing to fight over

You make me wanna run and hide

In a stupid, fuckiing corner

Can't leave, can't stay,

Can't even control my own body

Can't have an opinion unless you like it

And I know this will cause an argument

And I hate it

I've thought long and hard, and I've reached a conclusion

You're not what's keeping me alive

You're not what's motivaing me to be better

You're not promoting me, not comforting me

And I need better

I need you to be better

Heaven

Hey baby, I know you're watching me
And I just wanted to say I love you, see
You have a new baby brother or sister, and he's
Coming to Heaven soon, and I need
You to watch over him or her because I can't
I wish I could be your everything, but I know
You're keeping a scope on me and Daddy
And even though this baby isn't the same as you
I want you to treat them like you do
Because you have the same Mommy, and that makes you blood
You have to love each other well, because I'm not up
There, as much as I want to be
Now, I want you to stand where you are and see
Him or her when she or he comes through those gates
I want you to welcome your new baby sibling into Heaven

Didn't Mean Shit to You

There's a fine line between love and hate
Such a shame you hacked through it with my rusty old blade
And you threw away everything for your easy lay
So now I get to dance upon your grave
I get to sit there and laugh at you
At all the stupid things you'd do
If you could see me right now, you'd laugh too
Because I'm making faces at the gravestone

And it's sad to see that we were nothing
But at least I got out while I was something
Now you're dead and gone, I've carried on
Without you, I am better
And it's sad to say we had it all
Then you let everything fall
With all the shit we went through
I guess it didn't mean shit to you

I save a seat for you in church
In case you ever show, so I can
Radiate the hatred that I feel for you
And yes, I've been SO over you
But not the things you put me through
Because you have yet to tell the truth
I guess he didn't mean shit to you

So what's it take to see through the haze?
And what'll make you look my way
Cuz I got a finger up just for you and
At the same time I'm yelling, "Hey! Fuck you!"
You'll never even understand
What I went through while you were being screwed
So no, I'll never be over this
But I'm SO over you

Now Watch Me

See, here's the thing
I can be alone, I can imagine a ring
No secret ties, no hidden lies
Just a plain old band for myself and I
And I can sing a song in tune,
I can fill up an empty room
With art and the sound of music
But I never thought I'd have to
Looks like you proved me wrong,
So I had to rewrite song and say
I can do this on my own, baby
Now watch me
I deserve so much more
Than what you could have given me for
You sold me out. watched me drown,
Walked away as I sat there on the ground crying
Bawling because I knew I'd lost
The battle I'd been fighting for far too long
But this has been over for years, right love?
When did you stop caring?
When did you decide to cut me off, no goodbye
No final word, just 'He would have my eyes'
But that would mean you believe in me
Which can't be true, even though you know he's yours
And so was I, but we both deserve more
Hayden's memory is something I'll fight for
Because I'm done fighting for you
And he deserves the best in death
Not a father that demands proof
And I'll sing to him his lullabies
I'll look at the sky every night
And pretend I see his starry eyes
While you stay in the basement, hiding
Cowering in the corner, with your protector shielding
You from the burning truth: You had everything,
Now we don't deserve someone like you.
See, I've got someone with which to start anew
And Hayden's my baby, but I can love two
And I've loved him since day one, unlike you
Now watch me walk away,
Notice how I'm done as of today
Go make more unwanted children, while I'll want mine
Because I can do better, we'll both do just fine.

Dear World the Second

Dear everyone,
I'm sorry I left, but I need to follow him
Or her, I'm not sure which it is
But I'm sitting here, waiting for the end
Because I don't deserve this life after my offense
And I regret everything, every single thing
I'm saying my goodbyes in poetry,
Because I'm too ashamed to be realistic
I guess I'm masochicstic or something
Maybe I'm just sadistic
I don't really know
All I know is I hate myself, and if you knew
I know you would too

Dear James,
I can't begin to explain myself
All I can say is I hate myself
I know you would have been a perfect father
And you would have loved your son or daughter
Hayden is Baby's name, I picked it out for you
Because you always wanted a Hayden
So I chose Hayden James
And I'm sorry I didn't know you to treat you
Didn't even come close to appreciating you
And I'm sorry for that, because I really do love you
I'm sorry

Dear Mommy,
You almost had a grandbaby
And I took that baby away, and I'm sorry
I can't even say it enough
And I'm sorry Daddy left you, and I've always blamed myself
Because maybe if I'd been the boy he wanted
He would have stayed with us
And I'm sorry we had to leave you alone
I know your house is my real home
But I don't deserve it and I'm sorry

Dear friends,
You've always been there for me,
Either as a friend or an enemy
And I wish I could tell you honestly what you mean to me
But I can't, because I'm not exactly sweet or sappy
But I love you all

I'm Honestly Too Depressed To Write..

And the worst part is I'll never know
Who you were, where you'd go in life
And I wouldn't have been able to give you everything
I want to give you everything you need
I would give anything to at least know for sure
And I'd give up my life to see
Your beautiful face looking back at me
Through the doctor appointments, through the glass
Let Daddy hold you, love you right
Because we have so much love to give you, even though we're only
Children ourselves, and that's why you must've left
I guess that's why you left, because I couldn't resist
The fucking drinking and this shit!
And now I'm sitting here crying,
Trying to figure out how to tell your Daddy
Because Daddy and I moved on, we broke up
But if I had known you were there, I'd have shut up
I would have made you a home where I had none
I would have told you every day you're beautiful
Because you are
And even though I didn't get to know you, I still feel empty
I didn't even know you were in me
But I remember the blood
And the test saying 'No baby here'
That kills me, Darling...

Happily Ever After

If I could tell the future, I know what I'd see
You're recovered, fully grown, and so happy
I'd be watching you from a distance, knowing
I walked away at the time you wanted me close
I don't want to be needed, it petrifies me
And the fact you rely on me, makes me see
I'm nothing like the girl think me to be
Because I'm just a teen
And I'm still enjoying my freedom
I've been held down for so long, I'm finally letting go
Only to be held by you, to silently scream the truth
I'm never gonna be myself,
When I'm trying so hard to be someone else
For you, to make you happy, satisfied
What about my satisfaction?
I could kill myself for hurting you
Breaking you
Making you everything you feared
Saying everything you don't wanna hear
But you hear it anyway,
I'm leaving today
And I'm sorry I made you think
This was a new remedy
But it's not
I've been trying tio convince myself I love you
And only you
But I'm only fooling myself and you
Because this need to get away
Is stronger every day
And I'm sick of the lies
Of saying goodbye
Only to be convinced otherwise
Because THEY have my future planned
And THEY want me to marry you
THEY want me to stay with you
But THEY aren't me
THEY don't feel my feelings
And I know this hurts, because it kills me
But my friend was right, I need to be happy
If this is what it takes, I'll take it
And maybe someday, if we're meant to be
We'll find each other again, and live our lives happily ever after

Better Than Me

My mind is saying no but my heart is saying yes
And I don't know who to believe, who's just a guess
My body responds to one, but the other turns it off
And I don't seem to react to him the way I should've
I should've stopped this before it happened,
But it's happening again now
I don't want to get hurt again
Even though I always, always
Always
Hurt you, and I hate it
Do you see me?
Do you see how much I hate myself?
Every time you want to cry, I do
And every single cut I make, it's all for you
Every shot of poison I take, it's because of you
Because I hate myself
You deserve better than me
Much, much better than me
I hate hearing how my face was glowing
When I wish you were part of the knowing
It kills to know I think of him when I'm with you
And you deserve much better than me
He says cheating's God's way of saying
You're not destined to be together
But I promised you forever
And I swore on your life
I'd never hurt you, but I lie
I lied, and I cheated, and I broke your heart
But you didn't break mine, because there's nothing to break
If I can treat you this way..
I shouldn't be able to treat you this way...

Personally, I Think Love is a Bunch of Shit

Watch out, I'm about to rant. Don't like what I say? Don't read it. I can and will get angry and say really nasty stuff to people who get mad at me for what I'm about to write. K? K.

Why the HELL am I not good enough for you? Seriously, I willingly threw away EVERYTHING for you. Do you understand me? Do you speak English? Do you? Because every fucking time I try to have a goddamn conversation with you, you shut down. I get the shutting down stuff, I really do. I mean, maybe you feel guilty for what we did. Maybe you feel bad for playing me. Who knows? You, and only you, since you absolutely refuse to even tell me, your best friend. Remember me? Yeah, still here, back to square one. Back to being just that one girl. That one you broke a promise to, that one you fucked over, that one you LIED to. I really hate liars. You know that, don't you? You should, since I used to kick your ass for lying to me. But now I can't kick your ass. Now I don't want to hurt you. I do a lot to make sure I don't hurt you. But you can't return the favor, eh? Can't be honest with her, can't be straight with me, can't even lie to me to make me feel a teensy bit better about this entire predicament I let myself get into. All because I thought you were worth it. I thought maybe you really did feel something all these years. Maybe it was't lust. Guess the fuck what? It was. Because you were over me quicker than my daddy was. And that was just a single text message. That's pretty goddamn quick, man. Can you at least spare me the happy-go-lucky, lost-your-fuck-buddy routine? If that's all you thought we were, tell me now so I can go get myself drunk to pretend you never said shit. Because you were so perfect in the beginning! So incredibly perfect. Now I'm starting to wonder if that was me imagining things. The you I know never treated me like this. Or maybe I really am delusional. Maybe I really do have some goddamn crazy shit in my head. Ask Carlee, she thinks I do.
Ain't that right, Shorty? Remember when I used to call you that? And you called me Stretch? Good times, gurly. Shame they were all a fucking lie. Seriously, if you hated me that much, fucking tell me. I coulda sworn we were best friends. Best friends don't talk shit to their parents. I made you throw up? I told you you were fat and had mental problems? When?! I had NO idea you felt that way about me. I didn't know I held a blade to your wrist when I was at Cono, with no way of even contacting anyone but my mom and my sister. Please, tell me how I did this. I have no idea how complimenting you all the goddamn time made you sick to your stomach, depressed, and trying to kill yourself. I guess I'm just that fake. So fake, in fact, I don't even realize my fakeness! Ha! This shit makes me laugh, honestly. Go tell your mom some more bullshit and get pissed at me for defending myself again. Go ahead, do it.
Is it just me, or do parents really fuck you over? Seriously, there's a legit reason I didn't want to go to camp this week, Mom. And you, Pastor, did you realize this was the ONLY week I didn't want to go to camp? I didn't go earlier in the summer because I had this thing called a job, so my parents could get off my ass about money. Next week is James' birthday. I have yet to actually be here on his birthday, in the two years we've been together. This is the third birthday I'll be missing. And to say I have to be spiritually ready to go work at an orphanage? I'm not a goddamn Christian! I do it to help them. Not to help your god. Your god is so powerful, he shouldn't even need my fucking help. YOU'RE the reason I hate church. You think I enjoy being told what to do by my pastor? Who the hell do you think you are?! I didn't want to go to camp, and I sure as hell am not happy about finding out I'm being forced to go three days before I leave. Just smite me, dear God Almighty! Kill me now, spare me the details. You wonder why I hate you. For real, man.
And you! You, my own father. left me yet again! Am I seriously not enough for you? I mean, I completely understand you not loving me as much as you do your son, since that's the reason you left us in the first place, fucking asshole. But seriously? Leaving me because I remind you of your ex? That's my goddamn mother! Remember fucking her?! Remember when I was born?! You probably weren't even there. You were probably out buying baby boy shit for your little son. Mom told me you didn't even want to know me. You gonna argue that statement? Don't bother, Jason. If you had wanted to know me, you would've tried a long-ass time ago.
Who's next to be a target?! Oh, yeah, me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with James? Why do I always have to fuck everything up? Goddamn. I wanna be with him because I want him to be happy, but the idea of being with him...yeah, not digging it. Don't know why! Probably because I'm fucked up. Because I want my 'best friend.' Because I have daddy issues. Who fucking knows, who fucking cares!
I'm done for now. I'm gonna have a cigarette. Go ahead, tell my mommy. She can't control a demon-child like me anyway.

Seven Truths

Some things I've always wanted to say to you, all of you
One:
Sometimes, when I'm alone at night
I put my hand on my side, right between my hip
And my ribs
And I gently run my fingertips back and forth
Back and forth, trying to imitate how you touch me
How you love me
I like stealing your clothes so I can pretend
You love me, your scent is familiar
So familiar, it scares me
Like, is this meant to be?
Two:
When I get angry, I think of you
I compare everything that makes me angry
To you, to us, toasting what I was
With you, we were one, remember us?
You made me wary, it's scary how much I distrust
What we were, what I want to be
Because when we fought, you fought dirty
Always pointing out things best forgotten,
Things I'd rather forget
And now I fight just like you did,
And I hate every bit of it.
Three:
You're beautiful, and you know it
Atrocity is so unlike you, and if you were a cow
I'd eat you, because I like food, honestly
Constantly, I envy you
Your charms work wonders, you know
Always turning people to your side, it's hypnosis
It's crazy, how easily you find people
And you never seem to mind if the people you find
Aren't right, you'll find more
I envy you for that. I wish I was that likeable.
Four:
I have nothing new to say to you, and you know that
Because I have no secrets with you, you've seen me bare
Seen me cry, hurt, smile
And I'm smiling as I write this, because you know me
You know everything about me, and that's funny
Because sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore
I don't know me, but you seem to
Better than I know anything, you know me
Five:
Sometimes I wonder what you would say
If I told you the ultimate truth, that I'm crazy about you
I thought you could see it, I know you have eyes
But I guess my eyes are better than yours
Because real eyes realize real lies
And I saw through your lies of love
But you haven't even noticed you're lying
I have to know the ultimate truth, you're not honest
Because that would mean you may love me
Alas, you don't.
Six:
I always wonder how life would be different if you'd have stayed
We could have been best friends, you know, we could have
Played in the sandbox together, you could have taken me to the park
And pushed me on the swings, showed me how to count to ten
Taught me my ABC's
Always
Better
Children
Defied
Everyone
Forgetting
God
Haven't
I
Jumped,
Killed,
Lied,
Maimed,
Named
Oppression,
Priced
Quality,
Ran
So
To
Understand,
Verify, I
Want to know
Xactly
Y I wasn't
Zany enough
Was I even worth being birthed to you?
Since I'm no boy, I'm just as close as you could get?
Seven:
Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars?
Breaking hearts, breaking spirit, don't you know this isn't
Love, not even lust, this is evil at it's fullest
Like at the full moon, a werewolf
Transforming into a monster, nothing I want to be near
But I can't leave, I'm changing with you
Becoming the monster I always feared I'd become
Because you didn't cure me, though you could
You'd rather I suffer for my transgressions
Well, I am, and it hurts, but you'll be next to suffer
Because suffering is glory, that's what you say

So here are seven things I've wanted to say for a length
I know it was lengthy, I'm sorry it was long
Or short, depending on relation to what
Whatever, I'm done

Love, Lust, and Sex

If you're family and want to condemn me, shut the hell up. If you go to church and want to save me, shut the hell up. If you go to my school and read the title thinking this would be some kinky shit, go cut your throat, fucking pervert. But if you want to know a little something-something about me and how I 'roll,' keep reading. And if I get any nasty messages talking about sex, I will Hunt. You. Down.

I feel as if I do better with physical relationships than emotional ones. I'm always hesitant to say anything sweet, lest I become too emotionally attached, but I thrive when people desire me. I know what men want, and I can deal with that. But the emotional men that want me for me terrify me. I'm not really that special, dude. I'm kinda whorish. You can do so much better. I can name all the guys that deserve better than me. (And no, "Boo," you're not one of them. You don't even deserve who you got after me.) But they stick around, and that scares me more than spiders. I'm deathly afraid of those, mind you. But, honestly, I'm afraid these men will find out I'm not all I'm cracked up to be and they'll leave me forever. Not that I want a bunch of men fawning over me, I just want friends. Shoulders to cry on, if I must admit to crying.
I'll admit it, I can pleasure a man. Yeah, family can say what they want, church members, screw off if you're going to rub it in. I take pride in my skills, actually. I have what men want when they're lonely. I feel like those are the men I can count on to stay emotionally distant. The only problem is, they decide to become emotionally attached, then I get emotionally attached, then all hell breaks loose. Because I'm just bad for you. Got it? Terrible.
You deserve a girl who will wait for you to come home with your favorite movie ready on the TV screen, shrimp and steak cooking, some Dr. Pepper in wineglasses on the table. You deserve a woman who's not afraid to tell other guys to fuck off, she's taken; that will always look at you and know you're all she could ever want. Not someone who cheated on you (again), made you cry, broke your heart, and in most cases, refuses to admit she loves you unless you beg her to say it.
And you, you just amaze me. You deserve what you have. You have a great girlfriend who's done nothing wrong. I've never met her, but you never say anything bad about her. You don't fight? I had a boyfriend I fought with constantly. I don't like those scars I have from that. I don't want either of us to hurt that much. You deserve a girl who doesn't get jealous at every turn, who knows all your likes and dislikes, and who's willing to go to hell and back just to be with you. It's been so many years since we met, man. And I've loved you this entire time. But I can't stand to see your face when you realize you're wrong; I'm really just like all the other sluts out there, despite what I say contrary to that statement.
I don't want either of you, the top guys in my life, to leave. Trust me on that, alright? I'd die willingly if it meant either of you would be happy. I've kicked ass for both of you before, and I've kicked both of your asses in the process. But I don't want to hurt you--either of you. And that's what I'm best at. Besides, of course, making men happy. I'm really good at that. Mr. Churchgo-er-turned-pedo, you taught me well. But either way, I suck at real relationships. I can't stand when people want me because they love me.
Because, honestly, love may be just some random word we humans made up to constitute our whoring around. Love can be filled with hatred, greed, and sometimes nothing. ("Boo," you taught me that one, you did.) In this guy's case, he loved me one minute, wanted me to die in the next, and then waited for me to apologize for the fight to begin with. Or take my parents, for instance. Look where love got them? They hate each other more than me and Brody hate each other! Oh, my bad. "Boo." Look at the rest of the world. Love is bullshit, man. It's a lie, in almost every case when it comes to me. I say the three magic words to bind a guy to me, he says the same to bind me to him. But in reality, neither of us is fooled. We don't love each other, we lust each other. Alea and I used to say, "Let's make lust!" when we made fun of all the kids at school having sex before marriage. Now look at us. Love is lust wearing a kitten outfit. Filled with sweet words, smiles, cute pet names, and some passion. But honestly, I'd rather just take my clothes off and get the sex over with. At least then I know what I'm there for.

The Game

One drag of you just keeps on bringing me back
I'm so addicted I just can't stay away
I need your hand holding mine, I need it so bad
You've been on my mind since I saw your face

I love the way you never tell me I'm wrong
When I say that we're right for us
And I love that you never say you're done
You never leave, you help us get through this

I'm back again, sufferin' again
Without your nicotine
I've done some shit I ain't proud of
But you're the strongest I've seen

And you're always smilin' so big
It makes me wanna smile just to win your heart
You've got that step in your walk
Sayin' you can even talk the talk
But you aren't playin, you're not out to win
Everyone


I love the way you never tell me I'm wrong
When I say that we're right for us
And I love that you never say you're done
You never leave, you help us get through this

Notepad Cleaning Again!

Been two years now and I remember when
We met and every single day since then
And I know that you love me still
We met on the sidewalk in front of my house
Wearing all black I said, "Watch your mouth
My daddy hears everything from here on out"
Looked at me with that smile
Said, "Would you mind talking for a while?"
So we stood out in the January cold
I said, "I hope you now I got a man
And I ain't gonna cheat on him"
You said, "Well, I got tons of time to wait"


I see the devil awaken in you
I know he sleeps
And as your anger towards me goes
It twists so painfully
I see the rage upon your face
I know what's coming near
As you step closer to me
I now you sense my fear

I close my eyes
It's alright
Give him a chance
To be different
I know he'll change
No time to waste
Let him be
This is all because of me

As time slows down
I look around
And try to hide
My pain inside
I know it's lies
But it's alright
He has my heart.

The Day

I look along the carpet, following soft lace

Controlling my feet, keep my knees from shaking

I'm so nervous my face is burning

I raise my vision and I see you

I see you standing there, you're nervous too

Dressed up in that tux we ordered just for this

And I'm ready to tackle this, we can do this

Just keep my footing calm and precise

And try not to run, though I want to

I want to run into your arms, where I feel safe

And I feel so alive, and that's why I'm here

My feet kick up my dress as I hear my echoing footsteps

The music plays and the crowd sways

The pews are arrayed with beautifully chosen shades

I want to run my fingers along them, just feel them again

I take a deep breath, and start to walk

I take my place and you hold my hand

Squeeze it lightly, keep me balanced

The preacher drones, but I don't notice

I'm too caught up in the way your looking at me

I should know that look, it's been so long

But it's coming to me now-

This is forever

But I've waited forever for forever to start

So I try not to get tipsy from the nerve-wracking energy

And I glance up a few times to make sure I'm alive

This seems like heaven

You turn toward me and start to speak

We've rehearsed this before, but I still can't breathe

I'll be lying in your arms tonight

And forever after, if that's alright with you

I recite what I've written for this day, I've waited so long

"Hey babe, remember when we first met

How you said you loved me at first sight?

I never believed you til now

I'm seeing you for the first time, and I'm liking it all

I'm taking it all in, every piece

And I want to give you this ring because I don't need it

I've saved it for you, and now I have you

So take it, wear it, show it off

Because it's really quite manly, you know

And before we get all professional and boring

I just want to say I can't wait for the morning

Waking up to you saying, 'Babe, I love you'

Priceless." The minister looked at me and laughed

He carried on, so I guess it wasn't that bad

I hear you speak, I speak the truth

"Do you take him?" Yes, I do.

I Love You

Sometimes I wish that I could show
Everything you seem to never know
That no matter what, please don't leave
Because I hate to watch you go

Sometimes I wish that you could see
That without you here, I'm not me
My essence is gone, wherever you are
That's where I'm supposed to be

I was told to stay in your grasp
Where you'll protect me, have my back
So you have to stay and make sure I'm okay
And keep me safe from any attack

I know you're not the perfect One
And neither am I, but just for fun
Pretend we're together once again
Let me live in my dreamland, hun

You say you never know where my loyalties lie
But that's because you can't know before I do
And I hope you never tell me to go
Because you have yet to understand I love you

Insanity

Sometimes I start to wonder if I really have issues. I've been told all my life I'm the messed-up child of the three of us, and I'm starting to believe it. And it kills me. Because I've fought against his words for sixteen years now. I don't want to believe I need medication, because that would mean he's right. I want to think that maybe he just doesn't know me. Then again, who does? I give off personas, true. But are they me? No. No, I'm not the bubbly person that laughs at literally everything you say. I'm not the angry kid that hit classmates. I'm not the depressing writer you all see. But then who am I? Who is Brenda Jacobs? Is she angry, happy, optimistic, jealous? What the bloody hell am I?
I find it hard to remain consistent with my own self. I've become so paranoid that every move I make is thought over. I'm scared I'll give him evidence to drug me again. I'm frightened, really. I don't want to make another mistake that could 'tear this family apart', because that's what I do best. Really? I'm not that bad. Honest-to-god. Promise.
I don't even recognize myself. Yeah, everyone says that, but it's true. I don't know who this girl is that I see in the mirror. I don't know why she's there, and why the hell she's looking at me. It bugs me. It really does. I've avoided looking at myself for so long that if I looked at a bunch of pictures of Brenna look-a-likes, I wouldn't know which one is me. I'd know which one I'd like to be, but that's because that's what I spend my days doing. I imagine what life would be like if I was prettier. Thinner. More talented.
I've always wondered if my life would be different had my parents said what I wish they'd say. Something less concrete. Complimentary, you know? Like, you look beautiful today, Brenda. You're so loving toward your friends. I don't know what I'd do without you. You make our lives better. Without you, my life would suck major monkey balls. Hell, I have text messages saved and locked on my phone that say things like that.
"To be honest the world lacks girls like you and we can't afford to lose a single one. If you were to die I couldn't handle it as someone that knew before no one else and always cared. Someone like you leaving the earth would kill me." (My best friend/older brother, Matt. In response to me asking if he cared if I killed myself.)
"Thanks for making my night :) you're awesome." (Brandon Upson, in response to me complimenting his song that he wrote with Michael and Chris.)
"Labougy bkkya bechnomoa kebo that's the things I would say because if you died I would go crazy without a friend like you <3" (Devyn, in response to the same question I asked Matt.)
These guys can compliment me. And no, Dad, they're not trying to have sex with me. Devyn is gay, for one. Brandon is in a happy relationship. And Matt raised me. Matt was there for me when no one else was. He's my go-to guy for everything.
I stayed home today because I learned things yesterday that I didn't want to happen. And they upset me. I'm told to grow some balls, basically. Everyone dies, and I'm being overly emotional. Dramatic, he said. And I'm starting to believe him. Because no one else in this 'family' cares. We're all cold now. Just like him. We don't cry here. We don't hug unless we have to. We don't say "I love you" or "You look beautiful today". We say "Take the dog out" or "Change your dress; you look like a slut". That's the language we speak. And I used to think that's what every family did.
And now, I'm not sure. I stick out like a sore thumb. I'm the bad kid, the smoker. I did drugs. Oh, dear. I had sex. Oh, lordy. Good golly. My real mother doesn't judge me for it. She doesn't lecture me for an hour. My real dad says I'm the most beautiful 'little one' he's ever known. My real mom's husband is more of a father to me than HE is. I say HE because I have no name for him. None. My step-brother is more of a brother to me than any of the four I legally claim. He protects me. Hell, he wanted to fight a 30 year-old for asking me for sex. Yeah, he's a drug addict. I know. But at least he acts like he cares. When he saw my old cuts, he flipped because I didn't deserve whatever made me wanna do that. He said I'm beautiful. Why can't you?
Why can't you say I did a good job on that paper? Why can't you make a list of attributes that will get me somewhere in life? Caring, loving, funny, loyal, anything. I'm just asking for one. Not something so  concrete for once. Friends don't care how smart you are. And you've never given me a reason to think I'm even capable to have friends. The last thing you said to me was that I manipulate everyone around me. That's why James stays. Not because he loves me, or because I'm able to keep good relationships. Because my IQ is 128. I can manipulate him to jump off a cliff if I want to.
Basically, I'm sick of it all. So incredibly tired of it.

Potential You

I want you to know
I don’t want you to go
I want you to see
Maybe we’re meant to be
I want to pretend it’s not happening
But I can hear my head screaming
You aren’t him, the man I wished
You could be, the one I dreamed of
You were different
Potential

You still haunt my dreams
And I wish you’d leave
I can’t move on
When I hear your song
Going through my head
Singing of our death instead
Of the life we knew
Potential you

I want to press rewind
And pretend everything’s fine
I don’t mind if you don’t heal
The thoughts I put into feelings
That I’m okay with being last
Looking through painted glass
Distorted because you still believe
I’d never leave you
I wish we could still continue
To be potential you

Leaving

The sun beats down upon my face
I sit here longing for a final embrace
I can still hear your voice, I can taste
Every kiss that we shared can’t be erased

Knowing you’re gone just makes it hurt more
‘Cause I know you won’t walk back through that door
And I can sit here crying forever on the floor
But you already left me alone with this war

I fight in my head to keep him away
I use all my willpower to keep him at bay
I can only do so much till my power decays
But I swore to myself we’d gone our own ways

You always told me you saw through my lies
But you didn’t notice when the passion died
You never saw the pain in my eyes
When you told me to go, to live my own life

And I stayed, because I know I can’t leave
I can’t be away no matter how hard I plead
I can’t run from the fate chosen for me
The gods chose us together, it’s our destiny

Maybe I’m the only one
Who sees you as my sun
The race I must run
Til my life is done

So I’ll hold onto this heart
Shattered and torn apart
Full of holes and stitch marks
Until I find its counterpart

Freedom With A Price

I feel as if I should throw a fit and scream and cry
And then I realize it's a waste of time
It won't make you return, just push you away
But now I don't care, as long as you'll say
You didn't mean it, you still want me back
You'll mend the stitches on my heart, fill the cracks
You'll kiss my tears away, jump over my wall
That you once knocked down; you once made fall
You'll storm up the steps with anger in your eyes
Anger at yourself, for making me cry
You'll plead with me, "Please open the door
I didn't mean what I said, I didn't mean it before
I will stand here and fight for you like I know you wish I would
And I won't let you go, though I know I should
I take it all back, every mistake I ever made
I'll never control you, let yourself fade
I'll let you be free
To do what you please
And when you don't like what you see
You can come back to me
You can cry on my shoulder, I swear I won't leave
I'll stay right here and let you be
You..

Shining Armor

I'm stuck here alone when I want you here

But I cannot find you though it's been years

Your aura has changed to a dull gray

Instead of the vibrant red you were that day

When we met I could feel you under my skin

And though I was young, I wanted to let you in

You knocked down my fortress with your passionate words

You strode up my staircase with no thought to your wounds

My guard had riddled you with bullets and fire

But nothing could keep you from your loving desire

You knew where I lay in my untroubled sleep

Growing cold from years of feigned love, counting sheep

You slayed my mighty dragon, killed with his own flame

The fire in your eyes, to me, did the same

You were the one I woke up to

The face I knew

I memorized your scars in the heat of our love

During our passion I knew you were enough

I could lay next to you and feel no shame

Though I hated my body, you placed no blame

My weight was perfect, my cuts were real

You knew my worst fear, you'd know how I feel

Your love never strayed from one day to the next

Though my eyes were averted every year at best

I could not stay faithful, one hundred percent true

I only looked, didn't touch, but I knew it hurt you

I could not fathom why you acted that way

Why you cringed when I'd be gone for a day

You knew where I lied, where I told the truth

You knew I was in love, but you didn't know it was with you.