A Letter and a Rant

Skylar, I miss you.

I miss loving you, comforting you,

Wanting the best for you

And I'm sorry I don't have the options

I'm sorry I don't have you

I wish I could take it all back

Because let's face it

You're all I have left

In everything I've endured,

You're the thing I cling to

Like a life jacket in the sea

You mean life and death to me

And it's so hard

If I had no care in the world,

I'd be fine

I may drink for a day or so

But I'd survive

If you weren't a part of me

I could let go

I could easily move along

I can't do that though

Because you have the best parts of me

All wrapped into your tiny self

And I'm scared you won't recognize your own mother

And think I'm someone else

I'm worried you'll think less of me

Maybe even hate me

And that fact in itself

Makes me hate myself

If I had only done things differently

Handled things differently

Said things differently

Reacted differently

You'd see me differently

And for you!
How can you dictate my skills as a mom

As a woman who's sacrificed myself

For the daughter I gave birth to

For the daughter I gave my heart to

For the daughters I gave my life to

How dare you.

You're no one to them

Just monsters in their dreams

You narcissists believe you're helping

When you just want to hurt me

You've never liked me

Which is fine, but to take it out on my babies?
That's low, even for you.

You, who ignore the shit you walk in

To pick up piles of gold

Only to break them apart

Until they're only shards

Of who they were

Of the parents they were proud to be

I am a mother

A good one at that

And you are a worker

Who knows my case file

And recognizes my children

You see danger when there is none

Choosing to listen to a lying, jealous woman

Over the voices trying to tell you the truth

Trying to reunite my family

The one YOU tore apart

And why?

Because of rumors

I'd be ashamed to be you