Seven Truths

Some things I've always wanted to say to you, all of you
One:
Sometimes, when I'm alone at night
I put my hand on my side, right between my hip
And my ribs
And I gently run my fingertips back and forth
Back and forth, trying to imitate how you touch me
How you love me
I like stealing your clothes so I can pretend
You love me, your scent is familiar
So familiar, it scares me
Like, is this meant to be?
Two:
When I get angry, I think of you
I compare everything that makes me angry
To you, to us, toasting what I was
With you, we were one, remember us?
You made me wary, it's scary how much I distrust
What we were, what I want to be
Because when we fought, you fought dirty
Always pointing out things best forgotten,
Things I'd rather forget
And now I fight just like you did,
And I hate every bit of it.
Three:
You're beautiful, and you know it
Atrocity is so unlike you, and if you were a cow
I'd eat you, because I like food, honestly
Constantly, I envy you
Your charms work wonders, you know
Always turning people to your side, it's hypnosis
It's crazy, how easily you find people
And you never seem to mind if the people you find
Aren't right, you'll find more
I envy you for that. I wish I was that likeable.
Four:
I have nothing new to say to you, and you know that
Because I have no secrets with you, you've seen me bare
Seen me cry, hurt, smile
And I'm smiling as I write this, because you know me
You know everything about me, and that's funny
Because sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore
I don't know me, but you seem to
Better than I know anything, you know me
Five:
Sometimes I wonder what you would say
If I told you the ultimate truth, that I'm crazy about you
I thought you could see it, I know you have eyes
But I guess my eyes are better than yours
Because real eyes realize real lies
And I saw through your lies of love
But you haven't even noticed you're lying
I have to know the ultimate truth, you're not honest
Because that would mean you may love me
Alas, you don't.
Six:
I always wonder how life would be different if you'd have stayed
We could have been best friends, you know, we could have
Played in the sandbox together, you could have taken me to the park
And pushed me on the swings, showed me how to count to ten
Taught me my ABC's
Always
Better
Children
Defied
Everyone
Forgetting
God
Haven't
I
Jumped,
Killed,
Lied,
Maimed,
Named
Oppression,
Priced
Quality,
Ran
So
To
Understand,
Verify, I
Want to know
Xactly
Y I wasn't
Zany enough
Was I even worth being birthed to you?
Since I'm no boy, I'm just as close as you could get?
Seven:
Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars?
Breaking hearts, breaking spirit, don't you know this isn't
Love, not even lust, this is evil at it's fullest
Like at the full moon, a werewolf
Transforming into a monster, nothing I want to be near
But I can't leave, I'm changing with you
Becoming the monster I always feared I'd become
Because you didn't cure me, though you could
You'd rather I suffer for my transgressions
Well, I am, and it hurts, but you'll be next to suffer
Because suffering is glory, that's what you say

So here are seven things I've wanted to say for a length
I know it was lengthy, I'm sorry it was long
Or short, depending on relation to what
Whatever, I'm done

Do You Think I'm Beautiful?

"The way you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know-oh-oh, you don't know you're beautiful"
But I do know, I can see, I can see quite clearly
You see, some people, way back when
Invented something called a mirror, and it's still here today
I'm looking at mine right now, and it has something to say
I can't be beautiful

I mean, my eye has a birthmark, it looks like a wart
And there's skin overlapping them, doesn't really work in my favor
And my skin has a lot of freckles because I was always in the sun
My legs don't work right because I limp around the room
And I fall down the stairs, I trip over nothing, just thin air
I've never needed braces, but my teeth aren't exactly whole
Because I fall on my face every day, if not more
My stomach's too big, my butt is too small
And to top it all off, I can't be beautiful
Do you think I'm beautiful?

When I was young, I was a boy
More so than I was a girl, even though I'm really female
And I thought love was reserved for models
And my sole job was to fight
Fight, fight, fight, I still hear the chant
I heard it daily, along with kick, kick, kick!
I played with the boys, I hated the girls
Oh, how I envied them
With their beautiful smiles and flirty glances
At the boys I was among, was I not beautiful enough?
Will I ever be beautiful enough?

When I started throwing
Purging, starving, dieting
Taking laxatives to lose more weight
I thought, Maybe now I'll be beautiful
But people just thought I was too thin
But without it, too fat
No one thought I was beautiful
Do you think I'm beautiful?
AM I BEAUTIFUL YET?

If I change my hair color again
If I drop twenty more pounds
Or gain twenty more
Or if I get fake breasts, or butt implants
If I stop biting my nails, start wearing more makeup
Will I be beautiful?
Do you think I'm beautiful?

If I reshape my wardrobe into what they all wear
Yoga pants, booty shorts, push-up bras
Low-neck t-shirts, G-strings, stripper heels
Will I be beautiful?
Am I beautiful yet?
When will I become beautiful?

Thank You

Today, I drove to town
And as I was driving I thought to myself
How easy it would be to just let go
Let go of the steering wheel and crash
Crash, crashing like my life did
My life went crash, and all my hopes
Everything I've ever aspired to be came crashing down
Downward toward the floor I'd worked so hard to get up from
Down where my silhouette is still visible because I was a doormat
And I thought that was my place,
Let them do their thing, just wait for it to end
But it never ended, did it?
Did it? The social workers ask me
Were you hurt? Yes, I answer
But you did nothing
Nothing was done to stop the pain from
Tearing into my body
I tore my heart open just to make more room
I tore my skin open to make room for the blade
I tore my stomach open to drain the food
And I tore my hair out when I still wasn't good enough
Will I ever be good enough for you?
When will I have done enough for you to want me?
To love me?

I remember when I was still a child, still believed
In God, in love, and in fairy tales
All of them are intertwined, without an ending
Because it can't be happy, and it can't be sad
So it shouldn't ever end, should it?
I believed trust should be given, as freely as an uncaged bird
And I trusted you, every part of you
I believed love was in excess, that I just had to find it
But I never did, it always kept running away
In the opposite direction

I remember when I was told I had an ED
That's eating disorder, like when women
Weren't happy with themselves, they starvED
They still do, I ate nothing for the sake of being lovED
Being beautiful, wantED, like your belovED
Like you love everyone else, everyone but me
Remember when you promisED to always be there?
I guess promises are futile, aren't they?
Always being editED, changED, to suit your own desires
Remember when you callED me and asked for forgiveness?
I don't, either.

Sometimes I lay awake at night
Just lying on my bed
Lying to myself, saying I'm worth it
Saying I'm worth better, more than you think I am
But it was a lie, just like your lies
Because your world lies to me
Just like I lie to all of you
I quit cutting, that one's true though
I quit smoking, that's a lie
I just quit when I get near my Grandma, because
I've hurt her enough by not being there
As much as I should be
I quit drugs, that's true
Because every time, I think of you
How you lied to me, ruined my trust in you
When you told me your love for meth was through
I'm supposed to look up to you
You're my brother, that's what we do, isn't it?
I quit crying, that's a lie
Because I never cry in the first place
At least not where you can see me
Hear me screaming out my rage at myself
Because I'm not as good as everyone else
I quit trying, that's a lie too
I'm always trying to win you over
Trying to be the perfect light in your otherwise
Ugly world, full of lies
Just like the lies I hide in my eyesight
I just look away.

Sometimes, I play my music really loud
And my sister would get mad at me
Because she can't hear her tunes over mine
And my parents would say it makes me
Anti-social, that was the word
But I'm really social with the voices in my head
No, they don't speak to me
They're memories, lodged into my subconscious
Replaying over and over, reminding me of history
And I don't want to hear, don't want to listen, so
I turn my music up louder, and louder still
Til I break my earphones and have to get new ones
And I break those, too, but I still hear the memories

Sometimes, when I write, I forget why I'm writing
I think I'm doing it to please people
To get some money, maybe make a living off of it someday
Some days, I forget why I started--
To stay sane, through the turmoil and pain
I should have that memorized, I guess
I'll work on that

I'm not going to write about how I wish I could hate
For more than a minute, as minute the issue is
I wish I could pause every minute I'm with you
So I can just live in that moment, just that one minute
And relive that minute over and over until
I have it memorized, every second of that minute
And every minute thought you have, I want to know
Because I'm just that interested in you

And I want you to know, that I love everything in my life
Because though it's almost over, though I will die relatively soon
There's nothing I would take back, ever
Every person has affected me, both good and bad
But the bad influences made me better, made me a better
Person, with a better personality
And I thank you for that
So thank you.

The Difference Between Us

I know you
I know your fears, your dreams
I know the taste of your tears as it all crashes down
I know the pounding of your heart as you start feeling
I know how to get into your mind, make you feel like me

You fear rejection, dejection
You don't want to hear 'no'
You live for love, or lust
Whichever will come
You prefer the easy way,
But the hard way's more fun, that's all
You fear the truth, knowing how it will hurt
You fear the consequences of your--our--actions
You want the light to be covered, all shrouded in lies
You fear you'll regret this one day

You dream of fairy tales, things don't come true
When they live in a story, you're in two different realms
There's falsehood and reality, you can't pick between them
You try to morph them, but this isn't a computer game
You can't click 'escape' to get out of this predicament
You can't erase your--our--history, now, no you can't
You can only minimize our full screen for a short period of time
Eventually, they're gonna know

You were there, lying next to me when I cried
You tried to wrap me, suffocate me in your arms
But just being in your proximity made me choke
On screams best kept lodged in my throat
And you were too enamored with your dick to know
Or care how you hurt me, penetrate deeply
Into my mind, as well

"I love you," "Just this once,"
"It'll bring us closer together," "..experiment,"
"She'll never know"
I remember these words you said
And you'll never, ever read this, but they were arrows
Shot from a close range
Tipped in poison, aimed at my face
Because beauty can lie, and not only with you
Strip that away and I'm no longer desirable

I lost the beauty of the world
I romanticized you, and I really shouldn't have
Because that wasn't love, that was pure lust
And I should have known that before I even came
I'm no longer making that mistake, not any more
Now I know what you want from me
I know what's expected of me---sex
And I can deal with that, just please stop fooling yourself
Because you're fooling me in the process, making me think I'm
Beautiful, wanted, loved by you
But I'm not, and that's okay with me

See, right after you fell deep into your dreams
I left your bed to cut me
I left to hurt myself, whether you liked it or not
Since I deserved to die, for falling in love
I wanted you more after you woke up
But that was because I'd decided to go numb
My body had already been yours, so what could I lose?
You didn't want me, you had no clue
How in love I was, still am, with you.

But I guess that's what makes us different
You're scared of rejection, humiliation, loss
I've already been all that, so I have nothing left
Except to fear being what you made me