Blade

I haven't wanted to die in years

I thought I'd gotten stronger than my petty fears

I've been raped, abused,

Abandoned, used

I've lost my fair share

And I've sacrificed more than I've cared to lose

Because I, Brenda Jacobs, am still breathing

And I, just to piss you off, will keep beating

The odds, and keep pushing on

But lately, the pull of my blade has been strong

It sings to me, it tells me to sleep

To just bleed out the pain, to make it easy

Because who else can I hate without reciprocation?

Who else can I hurt without retaliation?

I am my own whipping boy, my own muse

The one person I can rely on to always refuse

To just take it, but I'm so tired of fighting it

How much can I handle til I start breaking shit?

Cuz I'm a second away from just flipping the blade and being done

Just doing the job that everyone wants

And doing myself the favor

That only I can give.

Random Ramblings: Warm-Up

This is literally a warm-up, as it's been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write. This doesn't pertain to life at all, it just puts me in the mood. Calm yourselves, I'm not crazy.

Sitting down crying,

Wondering if I can even do this

Am I even strong enough to endure this?

Am I capable of coping with not one, but more?
More sins of yours seeping up through my floor?

I don't even remember what purity looks like

Much less what it feels like

I tried escaping, once long ago

I took half a bottle, and bled to add to it

I remember the look on my companion's face

When he saw my arm as we laid in bed

I remember the way my mother looked at me

It was a pathetic pity, only adding to my hopelessness

I remember the way I looked at myself in the mirror

Disgusted, outraged

I still think of simpler days

When I had a moment of silence

And wrote a poem a second

I had so much potential

And I wasted it on you

On your broken promises

On all your lies

Your eyes told me the truth, if I'd only looked

I was too in love, too willing to die

For a man who would kill me to live

Only You Can Save Me

I had a few too many drinks tonight
Because now you're all that's on my mind
It's been so hard with you not by side
But I've been so strong, though not alive

I'm driving now, to the place where we
Made our vows, you said to me
I'll never leave, I'll never leave
I'm crying now, it's hard to breathe
I'm fighting how I feel empty
Come to me now, fill me with peace
You're what's missing from this picture of you and me

I took a shot or two, to forget you
Your face follows me through every room
The place where you used to lie
Is empty, desolate, and I
Can see the twilight peeking in
Gleaming off my moon-kissed skin
I need the dark to hide the tears
I needed you to fight my fears

I'm driving now to the place where we
Made our vows, you said to me
I'll never leave, I'll never leave
I'm crying now, it's hard to breathe
I'm fight how I feel empty
Come to me now, fill me with peace
You're what's missing from this picture of you and me

I've had a few too many drinks tonight...
I'm standing here in moonlight...
Wondering if I can sleep
Underwater, like in my dreams...
And only you can save me

Hayden James

Hayden James, it has a ring to it
It makes my heart jump just to hear it
Since I never got to hear your heart beat
This is as close as I'll ever get and I mean
I wish I could take it back, and I mean it
Because you did nothing to deserve that, and I
Had no right to take away a life I
Was given to care for
And I have love for you
And I don't even know who you are
But I know you're mine, and you are
Everything I've ever wanted
Mommy loves you so much more
Than she ever thought she could
And she's so sorry, baby
I miss you, Baby..
I stayed awake last night thinking of you
Imagining what you looked like, your hair
Your eyes, you had Daddy's
I just know it, because he has beautiful eyes
You had my attitude, and I'd regret it
Years down the road, when you wanted to grow up
And I wouldn't want to let go of you
You had my stubborn will, and you'd have me
And Daddy wrapped around your pinky
You had your Daddy's sweet demeanor
And you'd be his little boy, Hayden James
He always wanted a baby Hayden, you know
I wanted a baby boy, and I got you
I don't know what you were, and I wish I could
Because I'd sacrifice everything, I really would
I'd do everything a good mommy should
And I'm sorry, so sorry, that I didn't
I hope you can see me from your place in Heaven
I want you to read everything I'm writing
Maybe your grandpa can teach you how to read

I tried to come to you, Baby
I took the pills, I made the cuts
I wanted to be with you so badly
Because you're my version of heaven
And now that you're gone, I'm back in Hell
I'd do anything to come see you
Meet you
I wanna be with you, Baby
And I'm crying as I write this, because
I know you don't deserve this
But I'm so sorry, Darling, I'd take it back
If only I could, I guess God isn't gonna share
That must mean you're as perfect as I believe you to be
'Cuz everyone wants the beautiful people
And you're the most beautiful person I've ever known
Because you're my baby, my love
You're mine, and I love you, through everything
I love you, Hayden James.

Dear World the Second

Dear everyone,
I'm sorry I left, but I need to follow him
Or her, I'm not sure which it is
But I'm sitting here, waiting for the end
Because I don't deserve this life after my offense
And I regret everything, every single thing
I'm saying my goodbyes in poetry,
Because I'm too ashamed to be realistic
I guess I'm masochicstic or something
Maybe I'm just sadistic
I don't really know
All I know is I hate myself, and if you knew
I know you would too

Dear James,
I can't begin to explain myself
All I can say is I hate myself
I know you would have been a perfect father
And you would have loved your son or daughter
Hayden is Baby's name, I picked it out for you
Because you always wanted a Hayden
So I chose Hayden James
And I'm sorry I didn't know you to treat you
Didn't even come close to appreciating you
And I'm sorry for that, because I really do love you
I'm sorry

Dear Mommy,
You almost had a grandbaby
And I took that baby away, and I'm sorry
I can't even say it enough
And I'm sorry Daddy left you, and I've always blamed myself
Because maybe if I'd been the boy he wanted
He would have stayed with us
And I'm sorry we had to leave you alone
I know your house is my real home
But I don't deserve it and I'm sorry

Dear friends,
You've always been there for me,
Either as a friend or an enemy
And I wish I could tell you honestly what you mean to me
But I can't, because I'm not exactly sweet or sappy
But I love you all

I Should Have Saved You

I used to know this pretty girl
She'd always fall in love and relive the hurt
She'd wear a smile on her face and say it's okay
But she was dying inside, I know what it feels like
And now I'm standing here on a rainy day

She used to laugh, with a twinkle in her eye
She always swore to me, I'd never see her cry
And I know, that she was fighting a lost battle
But she held on to that bottle of time

And now I'm sitting in the rain
I'm crying out your name, can you hear me up there?
I left some flowers on your grave,
And I hate myself for letting you slip away
I should have saved you

I saw our picture, on my dresser in my bedroom
And there was dust all over your laughing face
I thought to myself, is there a way that she can see me?
Is she finally happy now that she's gone

And now I'm sitting in the rain
I'm crying out your name, can you hear me up there?
I left some flowers on your grave
And I hate myself for letting you slip away
I should have saved you

I should have held you tighter, spent the night
Or told you you were perfect to me
Because we're fighters, it's alright, we're
Taking the road no one travels by
But that's alright

Suicidal Tendencies

Hearing your heart beat through

The walls surrounding your prison

I go delirious, I scream to let you out

Yelling at the preacher that you're okay

He can stop saying you're dead any day now

I can hear you whisper is anyone there?

It's so dark in here, can I come out there with you?

I'm sitting in the back of the church, 

And I only knew your name

And that you were sick, like me

But you were beautiful, like a goddess

Though I'm sitting so far away I can still hear you

I run to the front of the sanctuary

And pry at the casket

I know she's alive, hear me out

She's talking to me, listen

Looks of sympathy are all I can see

Besides the photo of you on a stand

And a brown wooden jail cell

That you're being forced to stay in

The bearers walk toward me slowly

They want to take me away from you

But I'm here to protect you

And I'm not leaving you

You would do the same for me

I snarl at the men like a wild dog

But it gets the message across to them

I break open the jail door and let you be free

But all I see is the shell of me

Beauty, Defined

This is for the girl with the broken scale

Never telling the truth, just false tales

Adding numbers to her weight

Five pounds over, there's no way

She let it happen, she'd kept a good eye

On the digits that rule her life

This is for the girl who wishes for dreams

Always wanting to be beautiful, but she can't reach

Her goals when she thinks about giving up

Because of the pain, it's just too much

As the blade is drawn to her wrist

She ignores the voice resisting the risk

Beauty is seen as thin and no flaws

And covering gashes with a strip of gauze

Wishing for the fat to slide off your thighs

Soon you'll be too busy to even realize

Beauty isn't about pleasing everyone else

Beauty is just being true to yourself

Dear World

Dear World,
This is my final say
I never wanted to ask for help,
but would you have listened anyway?
You never were a kind one to love
And I'm starting to wonder if I wasn't enough
You always liked to watch me fall
Watch me crawl along the ground
Waiting for me to get up
Just to watch me fall back down
And you'd stand there laughing at the broken bones
The feet that were bleeding from the broken home
You never really asked if I would be okay
And you kinda liked to shove it in my face
That I'm not a model, not running on beauty
I've got my pen in my hand and my brain in my head
But I also have eyes to see that you just want to injure me
I'm the newborn fawn the hunters try to catch
If only because it's bait for a trap
And I'm the child being abused
And everyone can see the yellowing bruise
But you never looked deep enough to see
What I always wanted you to watch me be
You like to tear me down
Like I'm one of your math problems that you can't figure out
But I'm like an open book
If only you'd look
I have hidden no secrets, nothing to blame
I have nothing to hide, but you're not the same
You closed up your wounds with warrior-like screams
You killed my spirit, used its sinews for your seams
And I don't know why you refuse to try
But you can't seem to get past the scars on my body
The cuts I can see
The bones still protruding
Cliques keep on feuding
Capulets versus Montagues, all-out war
And whoever wins the battle only gets scarred
Because, little world, you only want pain
And because you're insecure, you need to gain
Your self-confidence by ruining mine
But guess what?! Idiot, I waited for my time
And I'm not with a blade sitting alone
And I'm not running arrows with a marker along my bones
I'm not drinking my rum hidden away
And I'm not smoking the drugs you took today
So, little world, what will you do
When the Karma is flipped and this happens to you?

The Mansion

As I explored the universe inside my own self, I saw the remains of a once grand and beautiful mansion. The roof was caving in, and the windows were boarded up. The yard had skeletons of what used to be familiar, and the property-just the property-was in black and white instead of the vibrant colors I was used to. I strode up the cracked and broken sidewalk and stopped at the foot of the porch stairs.
The paint was peeling, the floorboards had moss and rusty nails covering them, and the railing all but disintegrated at my touch. I tip-toed across the porch and prepared to knock at the door Curiously, the door opened without any provocation. Stepping inside, I looked at the water stains running down the drab yet unmistakably obvious living room.
Pictures on the wall were hung askew, as if a mild earthquake had struck during the owner's absence. The fireplace was overflowing with ashes and soot, and the furniture was protected by dusty, moth-eaten, gray sheets.
Walking away from the haunting image, I walked straight into a darkroom. Hung from string criss-crossing the ceiling's edges were pictures of little children playing with sticks and wrestling in the grass. In another picture was a happy family with beautiful clothes and beautiful faces. As I kept walking through the room, there were pictures showing love, joy, contentment, unity, acceptance, and trust. Turning around the way I came in, however, the pictures were horrifically different.
From the back, the pictures took on a whole new look. No longer were the children laughing, no longer where they playing in the yard. The bruises that were covered by the little girl's clothes were prominent and gruesome. The boy's face was filled with longing and remorse, sadness and humiliation. Terrified, I rushed past the photo, only to run right into a more disturbing image.
A skeleton stood before me, arms in front of the body. The almost-transparent skin on the figure hung off in strips. Tear paths were red with dried blood. The young woman in the picture was looking straight at the camera, face void of emotion. Except her eyes. Oh, her eyes. They screamed pain more loudly than any person using amplifiers and microphones ever could.
Running out of the darkroom, I sprinted up the steps toward what looked like a bedroom. I threw open the door and cried. I knew without a doubt this room belonged to the young woman in the picture. Drug pipes and empty bottles covered the floor, and cigarettes and torn-apart razor blades were littered on the bed. I looked around, and a part of the wall near the floor was missing.
I looked inside the hole, and entered a dimly-lit room. Candles cast flickering images on the circular room's one continuous wall. Taking a candle, I walked closer to the wall and noticed there were messages etched into the plaster and wood. "They won't listen..Why won't they listen?!" "You're tearing this family apart!" "This is just a dream.." "Do I have to scream for you to hear me?!" "I need to escape. I need to die.."
I backed away from the horror-movie-type words and found myself in front of a door. Except it didn't look like a door. It looked like a safe, complete with a lock. I typed the password into the keyboard, and the safe creaked open with a shudder. Turning on the light, I gasped. I knew this room! This was my room! I hid my secrets, hopes, dreams, and loves in this room. There, on the wall, was a picture of Matt and I hugging. Next to that was a poem from James. Then, the lyrics to A Drop in the Ocean. I picked a paper up off the floor. It was the poem from Michael, telling me to stay strong. Under that, the letters from Jess. Along the far wall was a giant mural of everything I regret leaving. There's Cono and the Eby family. And Gramma and the girls. And Sharon and Brittany! And then I see the young woman- alive. No, wait. That's mirror. is that me? Is that what I look like? I started running down the stairs, out into the yard. Safely away from the mansion, I turned to look again..And screamed.
This mansion, this worn-down mansion..It's my heart.

Song for the Weary

I know you're crying out to me, I see it in your eyes
But I'll forever turn my head, though I can read your mind
You feel worthless, as if you're a grain of sand
And no matter how much you scream and yell, they just don't understand
You close your drawbridge, shutting out the world
But trust me, my love, you aren't stopping the hurt
It's surrounding your thoughts, like a corpse in a shroud
And like the deceased, you cannot speak aloud
You can't share your heart, for fear of the shame
You already know you're the one to blame
So you let the blood fall to the tiled bathroom floor
And hope that, in your dreams, you can make it to shore
Because, my darling, you're drowning, far out at sea
Your family and friends aren't always what you want them to be
The girls you go to school with will someday grow gray
The boys that may have hurt you aren't the same as they were yesterday
Your blade has turned black, like your hated for them
But, my dear, you'll need them in the end
They're the anchor holding you to the ground
For you'd be in space had they not been around
Your mind is still drifting through the blue sky
And your tears are still invisible no matter how you cry
You cannot change your past-just hope for a new day
And listen intently to what I'm about to say:
Let your dreams come softly at night
But when they're of love, don't put up a fight
Remember the stories you have been shown
For someday, my love, the life you save may be your own