im a liar
i say so many lies
every day, and in every day lies
another nightmare
another repulsion
at socializing
at food
at myself
because you always told me i was shit
i was a horrible mother
and an awful girlfriend
a terrible friend
and i deserved everything i got
everything you gave me
i deserved to be hit when i cheated
but your dick could do no wrong
i deserved to be violated the first time
because i flirted with your friend
i deserved to lose my daughter
because i cant grow up
i deserve to be alone
because no one understands
i deserve this
i tell lies to people
all the time
i say that im fine
that the wounds have healed to scars
and the scars may ache when a storm arises
or when i need a reminder of what how decrepit i am
but they never stop aching anymore
they never stop burning
and my arm has been itching to feel a blade
to know that i can control something
i tell lies when i say that i dont cry
that i dont lie awake at night
and dread
going to bed
because i know you'll be inside my head
telling me how much of a liar i am
i dont have scars
i lied
i have flesh-eating wounds
that i just stick a band-aid on
and procure a smiling face
teeth glistening
eyes bright
but then the band-aid withers and falls
and the weight of my lies comes crashing down
whenever im alone
which is always
even in a group of people im always alone
because youre right
no one understands
and i say that time heals all
but its been years and i still feel everything
i can still hear everything
like ghosts in my head
whispering everything you said
the walls hint at atrocities
but they take your side too
i threw out our mattress
i threw out the couch
i got on my hands and needs and scrubbed the floors
where your aim found its mark in me
on me, in me, everywhere through me
but yet i cant get rid of you
i cant get rid of me
i feel like one of those girls
that just says whatever it takes
to get attention whenever i voice my opinion
or try to tell my story
because the storys already been heard
and im the antagonist
im the whore the bitch the betrayer the worthless piece of shit
i am
the monster the one who brought the monster out to play
i asked for it
oh i couldve left
i couldve left the minute things got bad
the minute i saw that red flag
but i didnt
so i deserve everything i lost
the friends the years the intelligence the sanity the peace the chaos
i lost it and i can never repair it
never see it as it once was
never experience it as it once was nothing
could ever be as it once was because
you won
you win
you always win
its like a cage fight and im back to one twenty and youre again at two forty
and ive got no muscle and neither do you
but im powerless and i cant walk right
and i cant feint right when you use your left to catch me as i come up for air
and the impact resounds in my head with the voices
and it echos and echos
through the halls filled with glimpses of memories
of companions of trust of naivety of love
of belonging of peace of energy of everything
and im alone
so you win
im a liar, a big fat lie
everything i said is a lie
because how can i ever tell the truth about
the bruises the rapes anything
when everything you told me is true too
and you said it never happened
so im a liar just a stupid fucking liar
and you win
