I'm Still Not Okay

I had another nightmare today.
Another moment where I saw your face.

I saw your hand as it flew

And I saw a glint in your blue eyes

And in my sleep, I realized

That I'm still not over it.

It's been over two years

I've faced by fears and my demons

I've shed them, healed my lesions

I've gotten off my meds,

Thought you were out of my head

But you're not, and you should be

I've been happy for almost two years

i've got a great man and two beautiful kids

i'm excelling in school and i've got a stable job

i've even stopped writing

but that's all part of the lie isn't it?
once i feel better, your memory appears and destroys my progress

it's funny. i could walk up to your front door

and stand there as you say hello, talk about our kid for hours

i could probably even talk to you about the damage you've done

without shedding a tear--not a single one

i could call you right now and tell you i forgive you

because trust me, i do

i could do that

but i can't make it one whole month without your goddamn

memory burning through my brain

i can't not have a nightmare of being ripped

of being mutilated

of being forced to consent when permission was never asked

nor was it granted

i cant shake the feeling the door slamming with the wind

is really your rage penetrating the peace

or that my dogs barks are because he sees your car

i cant help but check my seats before i leave work at night

because what if your memory is waiting for a fight?

what if your ghost wants to ruin my mind?

What if your damage is not done?

Keep in mind, I don't hate you

I'm done hating you, I've got nothing for you

I've got no hard feelings, because you'll live with your own hell

You get to go through your days knowing you lost your children

You destroyed lives, you left my baby

But through me, no feeling is offered

I've got nothing

But by God, the memory still kills me

And it takes a lot to remember that it's not real

For all I know, you're not even him anymore

And for all you know, I'm still that girl

The girl that stayed, despite the bruises

And the rape

And the cheating

And the insults

And the constant, overbearing shadow saying,
"Kill me. Please."

It takes so much to remember to forget

It requires a lot of force, to take those memories

And bury them, deep within my subconscious

Further than dreams can penetrate

But their shadow permeates my mind

And it lingers, despite my efforts.

Leaving me frightened of absolutely nothing

Besides the memories I can't erase.