Little Monster

I had a terrible thought today

While I was just sitting on my couch

And I sat that are I felt the fear crouch

Next to my ear and it said

This is your fault.

Now before I say too much

And you start praying I don't act on a hunch

Just know that I've never had this thought occur to me

Never had this huge epiphany

When I was raped, I'd heard the mantras

The little magic words we're told to say

When we're penetrated, violated

Like a broken record on repeat

"It's not my fault, it's not my fault"

You see, I watch a lot of SVU

And I've been to many, many meetings

I've spoken to many cops, a few preachers

And they all tell me it wasn't my fault

How could I have known that that line would be crossed?
How could I have known to expect that kind of loss

Of self, of dignity, he stole it

But it's been almost a year now, and now I second-guess it

I will swear on my own daughter' beating heart that it happened

And I'll rip his out as soon as I get the chance

But he's been in multiple relationships, one-night stands

And yet he has only my blood on his hands

I always told myself that they'd listen when the monster woke up

When he took another life, I'll be glad I spoke up

I won't be the 'crazy baby mama', the jealous ex

I'll be the one that called this end

I'll finally be believed, and I'll finally get my justice

I'll finally be safe from him; but that must've

Just been my mind hoping for an escape

Because I'm still the one with no screws in her brain

"He's so perfect, we're so in love"

"No, he never touched me, we just broke up"

"I've heard about you, are your legs finally closed?"

"You can't get raped by a man that you know"

What if I'm his only victim?

How do I possibly protect myself when

After a year, he hasn't struck again

How can I say that it wasn't my fault

When the monster's still locked away in his damn vault

A part of me says that I drove him to it

The funny thing is, my brain knows that's bullshit

And my ears only hear him whispering that to me:

"You, and only you, brought out that man in me."

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, don't misconstrue

But I was so confident in his insanity that I didn't think it through

I was so sure that people secretly knew this man

But no one had the courage to out him

And now I'm being approached by this little demonized fear

Whispering these tiny little doubts into my ear

I'm probably going insane, because I can hear

Your voice telling me that I steered you into these waters

I drove you to it

Just like you drove the point home to shut up

I caused this mess

Just like you always had to clean my 'lies' up

And I'm not sure how to even kill this little thing

And I hate it, hate hearing you, hate remembering your name

I hate that I was finally forgiving you and now it's Hell's ring

I hate that I wasted a day doing nothing

But staring into space and remembering to breathe

I hate that you still have such control over me.

But most of all, I hate that your monster still sleeps.

Wake up, little guy, and prove to me

That you're still the pathetic little man that couldn't keep me

Tied to you, the way you've got Evee and Aimee and Ashley and Allie

And you had Hunter and me and Sammii and Skylar

Remind me of how much of a man you can be.

Show me, little monster.