Showing posts with label anorexia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anorexia. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Invisibility Effect: Dieting
Sunday, June 17, 2012
In The Eye Of The Beholder
What is a dream if only the brain
Reliving the beauty of the previous day?
And nightmares are twisted words that were said
Or images burned into the back of your head
But the mind plays tricks, beauty is around
It surrounds you
It embraces the ugly, swallows it up
So all that's left is more beauty to love
Beauty is the beggar on the side of the street
Imploring you to help, just give one penny
His pain, though troubling, is one in the same
As the resentment you feel on a judgement day
Because no one will admit to having an opinion
That offends another, they want to play innocent
Purity gets you into Heaven, so they have to be clean
They have to remain spotless to see the gold city
And so you watch as they blame all their sins on you
As you stand there and take it, like they want you to do
And you'll end up in Hell, but at least they are content
Because that's all you ever wanted, you'll take the hit
You'll let them walk on you because you're too frightened to see
You'll never get anywhere with friends like these
But it's been so long, and you can't turn away
Even on such a harsh judgement day
And beauty is in the bones of the dying
Beauty is found in the screams of the crying
The girls who are starving, trying to resemble the dead
Are the ones who are strong, no matter what's said
They respond to society, no matter the subtlety
And they purge and they resist and they just want beauty
Beauty's in the girls who defend their curves
And say it's healthier than dying at the eighty-first
Dial on the weight, they hate the pressure to be thin
But they're beautiful, both on the outside and in
And beauty's in the scars
On me and my friends' arms
Because they'll never leave our sight
Always reminding us of fights
We came out on top of, though you'd call it losing
But we can't all be picking and choosing
But we came out breathing, which for us, was hard
Because we came out alive, through the dark
Through a dark we thought would never end
But it did, with a cost, and we're still on the mend
But that's okay, because we're beauty, defined
Just as porcelain doll with a smudge inside
And beauty's between the hatred of men
Because of the clever words that are said
Though hurtful, they create a harmonious song
And it'll sing for a while, in the midst of the birds' songs
Singing in the air, for they're beauty too
Nature is beauty at its fullest, but so are you
Your anger is beauty, as well a your pain
And so are the disastrous choices you've made
But so is the love I feel in your arms
As we sleep, intertwined, chasing stars
In my mind, infested with hearts
I don't even care if we're miles apart
Because beauty's you, beauty's true, beauty's everything I see
And beauty's right here, right now, looking back at me
And nightmares are twisted words that were said
Or images burned into the back of your head
But the mind plays tricks, beauty is around
It surrounds you
It embraces the ugly, swallows it up
So all that's left is more beauty to love
Beauty is the beggar on the side of the street
Imploring you to help, just give one penny
His pain, though troubling, is one in the same
As the resentment you feel on a judgement day
Because no one will admit to having an opinion
That offends another, they want to play innocent
Purity gets you into Heaven, so they have to be clean
They have to remain spotless to see the gold city
And so you watch as they blame all their sins on you
As you stand there and take it, like they want you to do
And you'll end up in Hell, but at least they are content
Because that's all you ever wanted, you'll take the hit
You'll let them walk on you because you're too frightened to see
You'll never get anywhere with friends like these
But it's been so long, and you can't turn away
Even on such a harsh judgement day
And beauty is in the bones of the dying
Beauty is found in the screams of the crying
The girls who are starving, trying to resemble the dead
Are the ones who are strong, no matter what's said
They respond to society, no matter the subtlety
And they purge and they resist and they just want beauty
Beauty's in the girls who defend their curves
And say it's healthier than dying at the eighty-first
Dial on the weight, they hate the pressure to be thin
But they're beautiful, both on the outside and in
And beauty's in the scars
On me and my friends' arms
Because they'll never leave our sight
Always reminding us of fights
We came out on top of, though you'd call it losing
But we can't all be picking and choosing
But we came out breathing, which for us, was hard
Because we came out alive, through the dark
Through a dark we thought would never end
But it did, with a cost, and we're still on the mend
But that's okay, because we're beauty, defined
Just as porcelain doll with a smudge inside
And beauty's between the hatred of men
Because of the clever words that are said
Though hurtful, they create a harmonious song
And it'll sing for a while, in the midst of the birds' songs
Singing in the air, for they're beauty too
Nature is beauty at its fullest, but so are you
Your anger is beauty, as well a your pain
And so are the disastrous choices you've made
But so is the love I feel in your arms
As we sleep, intertwined, chasing stars
In my mind, infested with hearts
I don't even care if we're miles apart
Because beauty's you, beauty's true, beauty's everything I see
And beauty's right here, right now, looking back at me
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Letter from Ana
Come to me, love, come back for me
Remember who makes you what you wanna be
Now he's gone, I watched him leave
Now that he left, it's just you..and me
So come back and let me
Show you what you're missing
Because I know you remember everything
Remember how we used to count our calories
And exercise at night in secrecy
How we'd always talk about jealousy
Because they'll be jealous eventually
You'll be beautiful, they'll still be ugly
Come back, love, come back to me
And now you've gained fat
We'll get rid of that
You've let yourself go again,
But we'll fix that again
Just take a few pills, take a few drags
And soon you'll be full of the cigarette fags
You've gotten bigger, dear
How long have you been bingeing, dear?
I fear you've lost everything we were
What happened to that thin girl?
The one who worked mercilessly
To become the fairest, incessantly
And it's still impossible
To want what I can possibly provide
Just come back, love come back to me
Who told you he'd grow weary of you?
Who was right? Me! That's who!
Didn't I tell you I was your only love?
Your only support, shoulder to cry on
Don't you dare turn your back on me
On everything we could ever be
I made, changed you, created you
Everything you'll ever be, you
Owe it all to me
And who will still be disgusting after the day's done
Who will be sitting there, crying, because I've again won
You can't stand being wrong, you sicken me
But I'm not gonna leave,
Because you need me
You need to be beautiful, love, don't you see?
You need to feel lovely,
Seem worthy
So I'll help you again, if you promise me now
You'll never give me up, Ana's here now
I'll stay with you forever,
We'll be together, for eternity.
Signed, always your biggest fan
Ana
Remember who makes you what you wanna be
Now he's gone, I watched him leave
Now that he left, it's just you..and me
So come back and let me
Show you what you're missing
Because I know you remember everything
Remember how we used to count our calories
And exercise at night in secrecy
How we'd always talk about jealousy
Because they'll be jealous eventually
You'll be beautiful, they'll still be ugly
Come back, love, come back to me
And now you've gained fat
We'll get rid of that
You've let yourself go again,
But we'll fix that again
Just take a few pills, take a few drags
And soon you'll be full of the cigarette fags
You've gotten bigger, dear
How long have you been bingeing, dear?
I fear you've lost everything we were
What happened to that thin girl?
The one who worked mercilessly
To become the fairest, incessantly
And it's still impossible
To want what I can possibly provide
Just come back, love come back to me
Who told you he'd grow weary of you?
Who was right? Me! That's who!
Didn't I tell you I was your only love?
Your only support, shoulder to cry on
Don't you dare turn your back on me
On everything we could ever be
I made, changed you, created you
Everything you'll ever be, you
Owe it all to me
And who will still be disgusting after the day's done
Who will be sitting there, crying, because I've again won
You can't stand being wrong, you sicken me
But I'm not gonna leave,
Because you need me
You need to be beautiful, love, don't you see?
You need to feel lovely,
Seem worthy
So I'll help you again, if you promise me now
You'll never give me up, Ana's here now
I'll stay with you forever,
We'll be together, for eternity.
Signed, always your biggest fan
Ana
Friday, June 1, 2012
Do You Think I'm Beautiful?
"The way you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know-oh-oh, you don't know you're beautiful"
But I do know, I can see, I can see quite clearly
You see, some people, way back when
Invented something called a mirror, and it's still here today
I'm looking at mine right now, and it has something to say
I can't be beautiful
I mean, my eye has a birthmark, it looks like a wart
And there's skin overlapping them, doesn't really work in my favor
And my skin has a lot of freckles because I was always in the sun
My legs don't work right because I limp around the room
And I fall down the stairs, I trip over nothing, just thin air
I've never needed braces, but my teeth aren't exactly whole
Because I fall on my face every day, if not more
My stomach's too big, my butt is too small
And to top it all off, I can't be beautiful
Do you think I'm beautiful?
When I was young, I was a boy
More so than I was a girl, even though I'm really female
And I thought love was reserved for models
And my sole job was to fight
Fight, fight, fight, I still hear the chant
I heard it daily, along with kick, kick, kick!
I played with the boys, I hated the girls
Oh, how I envied them
With their beautiful smiles and flirty glances
At the boys I was among, was I not beautiful enough?
Will I ever be beautiful enough?
When I started throwing
Purging, starving, dieting
Taking laxatives to lose more weight
I thought, Maybe now I'll be beautiful
But people just thought I was too thin
But without it, too fat
No one thought I was beautiful
Do you think I'm beautiful?
AM I BEAUTIFUL YET?
If I change my hair color again
If I drop twenty more pounds
Or gain twenty more
Or if I get fake breasts, or butt implants
If I stop biting my nails, start wearing more makeup
Will I be beautiful?
Do you think I'm beautiful?
If I reshape my wardrobe into what they all wear
Yoga pants, booty shorts, push-up bras
Low-neck t-shirts, G-strings, stripper heels
Will I be beautiful?
Am I beautiful yet?
When will I become beautiful?
You don't know-oh-oh, you don't know you're beautiful"
But I do know, I can see, I can see quite clearly
You see, some people, way back when
Invented something called a mirror, and it's still here today
I'm looking at mine right now, and it has something to say
I can't be beautiful
I mean, my eye has a birthmark, it looks like a wart
And there's skin overlapping them, doesn't really work in my favor
And my skin has a lot of freckles because I was always in the sun
My legs don't work right because I limp around the room
And I fall down the stairs, I trip over nothing, just thin air
I've never needed braces, but my teeth aren't exactly whole
Because I fall on my face every day, if not more
My stomach's too big, my butt is too small
And to top it all off, I can't be beautiful
Do you think I'm beautiful?
When I was young, I was a boy
More so than I was a girl, even though I'm really female
And I thought love was reserved for models
And my sole job was to fight
Fight, fight, fight, I still hear the chant
I heard it daily, along with kick, kick, kick!
I played with the boys, I hated the girls
Oh, how I envied them
With their beautiful smiles and flirty glances
At the boys I was among, was I not beautiful enough?
Will I ever be beautiful enough?
When I started throwing
Purging, starving, dieting
Taking laxatives to lose more weight
I thought, Maybe now I'll be beautiful
But people just thought I was too thin
But without it, too fat
No one thought I was beautiful
Do you think I'm beautiful?
AM I BEAUTIFUL YET?
If I change my hair color again
If I drop twenty more pounds
Or gain twenty more
Or if I get fake breasts, or butt implants
If I stop biting my nails, start wearing more makeup
Will I be beautiful?
Do you think I'm beautiful?
If I reshape my wardrobe into what they all wear
Yoga pants, booty shorts, push-up bras
Low-neck t-shirts, G-strings, stripper heels
Will I be beautiful?
Am I beautiful yet?
When will I become beautiful?
Saturday, April 7, 2012
ABC's Part 3
Pleasing Ana is just about--
Pleading with you--is as hard as
Playing an instrument I've never seen
Plucking the strings like a trampoline
Quietly jumping to remain unseen
Quickly running to the scene of the crime
Quirky little lady lays in the dark
Quilted in blood and glass shards
Running away, I run into you
Resting your grasp upon my throat
Realizing I'm your victim, you realize too late
Run, child, I'll meet you in dreams
Sleeping off your nightmares from the night before
Still you don't know I'm the one you see
Seeing is believing, but not at night
Spill your water glass because of the fright
Travel through time
To see my mistakes
Til I see your face again
Timed perfectly in sync with the death of me
Untimely death, if you ask me
Universe collided with yours, creating
Uncalled-for anger and sweat and tears
Unwanted frustrations poured out through
Violence was you and me
Violet red was the love's blood
Violins crashed through the bassists song
Vying for your attention
Which you gave freely
While expecting full commitment
Why the long face?
When you wanted this the whole time
Xerxes the king was kinder than you
Xenophilic fool, thinking you knew love
Xenophobic idiot, you ruined my trust
Xyloid heart turned petrified stone
You made me die seven hells
Yesterday turned tomorrow from your
Yellow-jaundiced heart
You let me hang on while you let go
Zealously you remained jealous
Zoetic turned to deathly
Zero tolerance for me, you hypocrite
Zig and zag and drag me down til there's nothing left
Pleading with you--is as hard as
Playing an instrument I've never seen
Plucking the strings like a trampoline
Quietly jumping to remain unseen
Quickly running to the scene of the crime
Quirky little lady lays in the dark
Quilted in blood and glass shards
Running away, I run into you
Resting your grasp upon my throat
Realizing I'm your victim, you realize too late
Run, child, I'll meet you in dreams
Sleeping off your nightmares from the night before
Still you don't know I'm the one you see
Seeing is believing, but not at night
Spill your water glass because of the fright
Travel through time
To see my mistakes
Til I see your face again
Timed perfectly in sync with the death of me
Untimely death, if you ask me
Universe collided with yours, creating
Uncalled-for anger and sweat and tears
Unwanted frustrations poured out through
Violence was you and me
Violet red was the love's blood
Violins crashed through the bassists song
Vying for your attention
Which you gave freely
While expecting full commitment
Why the long face?
When you wanted this the whole time
Xerxes the king was kinder than you
Xenophilic fool, thinking you knew love
Xenophobic idiot, you ruined my trust
Xyloid heart turned petrified stone
You made me die seven hells
Yesterday turned tomorrow from your
Yellow-jaundiced heart
You let me hang on while you let go
Zealously you remained jealous
Zoetic turned to deathly
Zero tolerance for me, you hypocrite
Zig and zag and drag me down til there's nothing left
Friday, April 6, 2012
ABC's Part 2
I run
Inside the stomach
I know there's nothing left
I love that I feel pain
Jumping, I
Just know I'm burning calories
Jammed under my fat,
Justifying me to be insane
Kill this worm inside me
Kind of like a black hole
Kind of like it never eats anything, but
Keeps it in itself for the same
Lame excuses
Large enough portions?
Legs will be fat, eww
Let Ana take care of you
Must be the cookies
Maybe it was the heat
Much too fattening,
My eyes are seeing you
Not that you're alive
No, you left me
Nodding my head absently
Never knowing you'd disappear
Over my dead body will you come back
Or I'll drag you back to Heaven
Only you could deserve paradise
Offering my soul down in return for peace
Inside the stomach
I know there's nothing left
I love that I feel pain
Jumping, I
Just know I'm burning calories
Jammed under my fat,
Justifying me to be insane
Kill this worm inside me
Kind of like a black hole
Kind of like it never eats anything, but
Keeps it in itself for the same
Lame excuses
Large enough portions?
Legs will be fat, eww
Let Ana take care of you
Must be the cookies
Maybe it was the heat
Much too fattening,
My eyes are seeing you
Not that you're alive
No, you left me
Nodding my head absently
Never knowing you'd disappear
Over my dead body will you come back
Or I'll drag you back to Heaven
Only you could deserve paradise
Offering my soul down in return for peace
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Beauty is Acheivable--found in drafts!
im living in the sunlight
cuz my body makes no shade
and i always have to celebrate
every time another record breaks
except this doesnt feel right
letting myself quit
so im back on my scale again
measuring all this shit again
making sure my zeros dont fit
they have to be loose to be skinny
and they cant be at all tight
because tight equals cellulite
and we know where that leads
another hundred planks while laying on the floor
and when im done with that ill do even more
to rid my body of the calories i ate
and cleansing my fragile mind of all the hate
i get because i want to be beautiful
and love is plentiful
and beauty is acheivable
just not by me.
and when im done with that ill do even more
to rid my body of the calories i ate
and cleansing my fragile mind of all the hate
i get because i want to be beautiful
and love is plentiful
and beauty is acheivable
just not by me.
My Own Little World
Maybe I'm crazy to ever believe
That some way in life you could ever want me
My heart says you once did, you had
Before I gained wait, prior to fat
When I step on the scale, my world tips down
Just like my smile turns into a frown
Once I see the numbers
Much over one hundred
Adding the twenty-five candles
Shirts showing love handles
Every fire extinguished
Means another pound is finished
Another diet failing me
I'm sitting here researching
More so I can be less
I want invisibility, another guess
At the shadow along your own
This is my realm, the only one I've known
And it knows me, it sees me
It feels me, it feeds me
This is the place I love myself
And in spite of everyone else
This is the world where I can be free
Because this is the world where you can love me.
Before I gained wait, prior to fat
When I step on the scale, my world tips down
Just like my smile turns into a frown
Once I see the numbers
Much over one hundred
Adding the twenty-five candles
Shirts showing love handles
Every fire extinguished
Means another pound is finished
Another diet failing me
I'm sitting here researching
More so I can be less
I want invisibility, another guess
At the shadow along your own
This is my realm, the only one I've known
And it knows me, it sees me
It feels me, it feeds me
This is the place I love myself
And in spite of everyone else
This is the world where I can be free
Because this is the world where you can love me.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Rehab, Soon.
I guess you're my new addiction
Because I have yet to quit you
And I know I need to
But I don't want to
I take a step away
The world starts to sway
Until I'm stepping right back
To you, I'm coming back
Every day and I hate it
Because I'm supposed to
Be done with the drugs like you
And I quit smoking, kinda
I don't smoke much so find a
New addiction since I put away
The blade and the
Weight
But wait
Why are you still here?
Every time I hear your voice
The alarms go off in my head, no choice
I have to leave, come crawling around
To where you left me on the ground
Because you're like my consort, and I'm the king
But whatever you do to your blood, you do also to me
'Cuz I drink from you to sustain myself
And you hate that I actually love someone else
But we lack lust, him and I
And that's what we only focused on in life
I don't need him like I need you
I want him, yes, I admit that's true
And without him, I'd be devastatingly blue
But you're the drug I'm still on
And I need some rehab, soon.
Because I have yet to quit you
And I know I need to
But I don't want to
I take a step away
The world starts to sway
Until I'm stepping right back
To you, I'm coming back
Every day and I hate it
Because I'm supposed to
Be done with the drugs like you
And I quit smoking, kinda
I don't smoke much so find a
New addiction since I put away
The blade and the
Weight
But wait
Why are you still here?
Every time I hear your voice
The alarms go off in my head, no choice
I have to leave, come crawling around
To where you left me on the ground
Because you're like my consort, and I'm the king
But whatever you do to your blood, you do also to me
'Cuz I drink from you to sustain myself
And you hate that I actually love someone else
But we lack lust, him and I
And that's what we only focused on in life
I don't need him like I need you
I want him, yes, I admit that's true
And without him, I'd be devastatingly blue
But you're the drug I'm still on
And I need some rehab, soon.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Objection, Your Honor!
I'm writing, at 12:09 in the morning, so I can sleep. I'm writing to sort out my thoughts.
Truth #1: I push you away because I don't like getting hurt. And every time we get close, I get hurt.
2: I'm pretty sure I enjoy being in denial about wanting to marry James. Because we all know it's bound to happen.
3: You have NO right to tell me to face reality. I've seen more than you ever will.
4: Don't EVER tell me I'm a whore because I'm confused about two guys. I've had sex with one man. You? I lost track.
5: When you say you're not going to pick at my weaknesses, stick to that. Because that's why I won't let myself get as close to you as I am to him.
6: Don't ever try to correct my attitude when you encouraged it yesterday.
7: I cheated once. And it was a make-out. For real. No clothes were removed, no stray hands. Get the eff over it already.
8: I'm not about to die of starvation, okay? I eat once a day, and it's enough to keep me alive. Let me deal with it myself.
9: Don't say you want to hear my problems, and then say I'm an attention whore.
10: Don't ever, ever, ever tell me you're better than me.
11: Stop telling me what beauty really is. This is beauty. Right here. This is my beauty. You wanna be fat? Go ahead. To each his own.
12: Fuck all ya'll that decide to take the role of parents in my life. Facebook is my playground. Get your own. Don't take away my monkeybars.
13: You have no responsibility to me. Don't act like I'm gonna do what you want.
14: You have no say in what I do. Go ahead and complain. I don't give a shit. This is my life, and I'm going to live it how I want to live it.
15: To that specific someone, stop telling my parents everything I write. If they cared, they'd ask. If they don't, don't try to make them.
16: I'm no longer a doormat. You fuck up, you're gone. Out. And yeah, actually, saying I'm a whore is gonna get you a one-way ticket to 'get your ass outta here'.
17: I'm going to cuss, whether you like it or not. I can say whatever I want to say, and telling Jim and Sue isn't going to stop me. And neither will humiliating me.
18: You'll have better luck screwing Michael Jackson than making me willingly open a Bible. So stop trying.
19: The more you try to predict my future, the more I'm going to try to prove you wrong. Yeah, Jim. when you said I'd grow up to be nothing because I'm just trouble? You're wrong.
20: Either support me or get bent. Simple as that. If you're my friend, act like it. If you're my enemy, go eat a box of chocolate. I couldn't care less about you.
Truth #1: I push you away because I don't like getting hurt. And every time we get close, I get hurt.
2: I'm pretty sure I enjoy being in denial about wanting to marry James. Because we all know it's bound to happen.
3: You have NO right to tell me to face reality. I've seen more than you ever will.
4: Don't EVER tell me I'm a whore because I'm confused about two guys. I've had sex with one man. You? I lost track.
5: When you say you're not going to pick at my weaknesses, stick to that. Because that's why I won't let myself get as close to you as I am to him.
6: Don't ever try to correct my attitude when you encouraged it yesterday.
7: I cheated once. And it was a make-out. For real. No clothes were removed, no stray hands. Get the eff over it already.
8: I'm not about to die of starvation, okay? I eat once a day, and it's enough to keep me alive. Let me deal with it myself.
9: Don't say you want to hear my problems, and then say I'm an attention whore.
10: Don't ever, ever, ever tell me you're better than me.
11: Stop telling me what beauty really is. This is beauty. Right here. This is my beauty. You wanna be fat? Go ahead. To each his own.
12: Fuck all ya'll that decide to take the role of parents in my life. Facebook is my playground. Get your own. Don't take away my monkeybars.
13: You have no responsibility to me. Don't act like I'm gonna do what you want.
14: You have no say in what I do. Go ahead and complain. I don't give a shit. This is my life, and I'm going to live it how I want to live it.
15: To that specific someone, stop telling my parents everything I write. If they cared, they'd ask. If they don't, don't try to make them.
16: I'm no longer a doormat. You fuck up, you're gone. Out. And yeah, actually, saying I'm a whore is gonna get you a one-way ticket to 'get your ass outta here'.
17: I'm going to cuss, whether you like it or not. I can say whatever I want to say, and telling Jim and Sue isn't going to stop me. And neither will humiliating me.
18: You'll have better luck screwing Michael Jackson than making me willingly open a Bible. So stop trying.
19: The more you try to predict my future, the more I'm going to try to prove you wrong. Yeah, Jim. when you said I'd grow up to be nothing because I'm just trouble? You're wrong.
20: Either support me or get bent. Simple as that. If you're my friend, act like it. If you're my enemy, go eat a box of chocolate. I couldn't care less about you.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Suicidal Tendencies
Hearing your heart beat through
The walls surrounding your prison
I go delirious, I scream to let you out
Yelling at the preacher that you're okay
He can stop saying you're dead any day now
I can hear you whisper is anyone there?
It's so dark in here, can I come out there with you?
I'm sitting in the back of the church,
And I only knew your name
And that you were sick, like me
But you were beautiful, like a goddess
Though I'm sitting so far away I can still hear you
I run to the front of the sanctuary
And pry at the casket
I know she's alive, hear me out
She's talking to me, listen
Looks of sympathy are all I can see
Besides the photo of you on a stand
And a brown wooden jail cell
That you're being forced to stay in
The bearers walk toward me slowly
They want to take me away from you
But I'm here to protect you
And I'm not leaving you
You would do the same for me
I snarl at the men like a wild dog
But it gets the message across to them
I break open the jail door and let you be free
But all I see is the shell of me
Monday, January 30, 2012
Insanity
Sometimes I start to wonder if I really have issues. I've been told all my life I'm the messed-up child of the three of us, and I'm starting to believe it. And it kills me. Because I've fought against his words for sixteen years now. I don't want to believe I need medication, because that would mean he's right. I want to think that maybe he just doesn't know me. Then again, who does? I give off personas, true. But are they me? No. No, I'm not the bubbly person that laughs at literally everything you say. I'm not the angry kid that hit classmates. I'm not the depressing writer you all see. But then who am I? Who is Brenda Jacobs? Is she angry, happy, optimistic, jealous? What the bloody hell am I?
I find it hard to remain consistent with my own self. I've become so paranoid that every move I make is thought over. I'm scared I'll give him evidence to drug me again. I'm frightened, really. I don't want to make another mistake that could 'tear this family apart', because that's what I do best. Really? I'm not that bad. Honest-to-god. Promise.
I don't even recognize myself. Yeah, everyone says that, but it's true. I don't know who this girl is that I see in the mirror. I don't know why she's there, and why the hell she's looking at me. It bugs me. It really does. I've avoided looking at myself for so long that if I looked at a bunch of pictures of Brenna look-a-likes, I wouldn't know which one is me. I'd know which one I'd like to be, but that's because that's what I spend my days doing. I imagine what life would be like if I was prettier. Thinner. More talented.
I've always wondered if my life would be different had my parents said what I wish they'd say. Something less concrete. Complimentary, you know? Like, you look beautiful today, Brenda. You're so loving toward your friends. I don't know what I'd do without you. You make our lives better. Without you, my life would suck major monkey balls. Hell, I have text messages saved and locked on my phone that say things like that.
"To be honest the world lacks girls like you and we can't afford to lose a single one. If you were to die I couldn't handle it as someone that knew before no one else and always cared. Someone like you leaving the earth would kill me." (My best friend/older brother, Matt. In response to me asking if he cared if I killed myself.)
"Thanks for making my night :) you're awesome." (Brandon Upson, in response to me complimenting his song that he wrote with Michael and Chris.)
"Labougy bkkya bechnomoa kebo that's the things I would say because if you died I would go crazy without a friend like you <3" (Devyn, in response to the same question I asked Matt.)
These guys can compliment me. And no, Dad, they're not trying to have sex with me. Devyn is gay, for one. Brandon is in a happy relationship. And Matt raised me. Matt was there for me when no one else was. He's my go-to guy for everything.
I stayed home today because I learned things yesterday that I didn't want to happen. And they upset me. I'm told to grow some balls, basically. Everyone dies, and I'm being overly emotional. Dramatic, he said. And I'm starting to believe him. Because no one else in this 'family' cares. We're all cold now. Just like him. We don't cry here. We don't hug unless we have to. We don't say "I love you" or "You look beautiful today". We say "Take the dog out" or "Change your dress; you look like a slut". That's the language we speak. And I used to think that's what every family did.
And now, I'm not sure. I stick out like a sore thumb. I'm the bad kid, the smoker. I did drugs. Oh, dear. I had sex. Oh, lordy. Good golly. My real mother doesn't judge me for it. She doesn't lecture me for an hour. My real dad says I'm the most beautiful 'little one' he's ever known. My real mom's husband is more of a father to me than HE is. I say HE because I have no name for him. None. My step-brother is more of a brother to me than any of the four I legally claim. He protects me. Hell, he wanted to fight a 30 year-old for asking me for sex. Yeah, he's a drug addict. I know. But at least he acts like he cares. When he saw my old cuts, he flipped because I didn't deserve whatever made me wanna do that. He said I'm beautiful. Why can't you?
Why can't you say I did a good job on that paper? Why can't you make a list of attributes that will get me somewhere in life? Caring, loving, funny, loyal, anything. I'm just asking for one. Not something so concrete for once. Friends don't care how smart you are. And you've never given me a reason to think I'm even capable to have friends. The last thing you said to me was that I manipulate everyone around me. That's why James stays. Not because he loves me, or because I'm able to keep good relationships. Because my IQ is 128. I can manipulate him to jump off a cliff if I want to.
Basically, I'm sick of it all. So incredibly tired of it.
I find it hard to remain consistent with my own self. I've become so paranoid that every move I make is thought over. I'm scared I'll give him evidence to drug me again. I'm frightened, really. I don't want to make another mistake that could 'tear this family apart', because that's what I do best. Really? I'm not that bad. Honest-to-god. Promise.
I don't even recognize myself. Yeah, everyone says that, but it's true. I don't know who this girl is that I see in the mirror. I don't know why she's there, and why the hell she's looking at me. It bugs me. It really does. I've avoided looking at myself for so long that if I looked at a bunch of pictures of Brenna look-a-likes, I wouldn't know which one is me. I'd know which one I'd like to be, but that's because that's what I spend my days doing. I imagine what life would be like if I was prettier. Thinner. More talented.
I've always wondered if my life would be different had my parents said what I wish they'd say. Something less concrete. Complimentary, you know? Like, you look beautiful today, Brenda. You're so loving toward your friends. I don't know what I'd do without you. You make our lives better. Without you, my life would suck major monkey balls. Hell, I have text messages saved and locked on my phone that say things like that.
"To be honest the world lacks girls like you and we can't afford to lose a single one. If you were to die I couldn't handle it as someone that knew before no one else and always cared. Someone like you leaving the earth would kill me." (My best friend/older brother, Matt. In response to me asking if he cared if I killed myself.)
"Thanks for making my night :) you're awesome." (Brandon Upson, in response to me complimenting his song that he wrote with Michael and Chris.)
"Labougy bkkya bechnomoa kebo that's the things I would say because if you died I would go crazy without a friend like you <3" (Devyn, in response to the same question I asked Matt.)
These guys can compliment me. And no, Dad, they're not trying to have sex with me. Devyn is gay, for one. Brandon is in a happy relationship. And Matt raised me. Matt was there for me when no one else was. He's my go-to guy for everything.
I stayed home today because I learned things yesterday that I didn't want to happen. And they upset me. I'm told to grow some balls, basically. Everyone dies, and I'm being overly emotional. Dramatic, he said. And I'm starting to believe him. Because no one else in this 'family' cares. We're all cold now. Just like him. We don't cry here. We don't hug unless we have to. We don't say "I love you" or "You look beautiful today". We say "Take the dog out" or "Change your dress; you look like a slut". That's the language we speak. And I used to think that's what every family did.
And now, I'm not sure. I stick out like a sore thumb. I'm the bad kid, the smoker. I did drugs. Oh, dear. I had sex. Oh, lordy. Good golly. My real mother doesn't judge me for it. She doesn't lecture me for an hour. My real dad says I'm the most beautiful 'little one' he's ever known. My real mom's husband is more of a father to me than HE is. I say HE because I have no name for him. None. My step-brother is more of a brother to me than any of the four I legally claim. He protects me. Hell, he wanted to fight a 30 year-old for asking me for sex. Yeah, he's a drug addict. I know. But at least he acts like he cares. When he saw my old cuts, he flipped because I didn't deserve whatever made me wanna do that. He said I'm beautiful. Why can't you?
Why can't you say I did a good job on that paper? Why can't you make a list of attributes that will get me somewhere in life? Caring, loving, funny, loyal, anything. I'm just asking for one. Not something so concrete for once. Friends don't care how smart you are. And you've never given me a reason to think I'm even capable to have friends. The last thing you said to me was that I manipulate everyone around me. That's why James stays. Not because he loves me, or because I'm able to keep good relationships. Because my IQ is 128. I can manipulate him to jump off a cliff if I want to.
Basically, I'm sick of it all. So incredibly tired of it.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Beauty, Defined
This is for the girl with the broken scale
Never telling the truth, just false tales
Adding numbers to her weight
Five pounds over, there's no way
She let it happen, she'd kept a good eye
On the digits that rule her life
This is for the girl who wishes for dreams
Always wanting to be beautiful, but she can't reach
Her goals when she thinks about giving up
Because of the pain, it's just too much
As the blade is drawn to her wrist
She ignores the voice resisting the risk
Beauty is seen as thin and no flaws
And covering gashes with a strip of gauze
Wishing for the fat to slide off your thighs
Soon you'll be too busy to even realize
Beauty isn't about pleasing everyone else
Beauty is just being true to yourself
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Anorexia Round Four!
Smiling stares make me aware
Of the thunder coming from under
The pants and you hear my fancy
Lies but you don't realize
That I never tell you truth when I can sell
You deceit, and trust me, it's cheap
I never say, but I don't play
By your rules, the fool
I am ruled by my own food
Counting numbers, keep it under
Eighty, sixty, seventy, fifty
When I get to hello, I'll be a nifty fellow
I'll be invisible, and I'll be invincible
Your numbers don't affect my bones
They will chip away like splintering ships
Break me down, let me drown
In the cold, let my body fold
Into layers, do me a favor
Is this melody becoming tragedy?
Because this love has taken hold of
Everything I always strive
To be because I can't see
My bones yet, ready, set
Go, race around the face
Of the earth, and whoever gets first
Gets pain, it's insane
Really, but Ana is a fan of
Making me want the thought
Of Thin, and everything within
Me will vanish until
I'm gone
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Real Eyes Realize Real Lies
You made me realize that my eyes were fake
Because all I ever saw with you were mistakes I never made
You always cornered me
Like tearing off a butterfly wing
You'd tell me what my nightmares meant
That I'm just another thing to regret
And I believed you, because I wanted it to be true
I wanted to somehow make us perfect, and I knew it wasn't you
You wouldn't sacrifice your prideful shame
And I still have messages that read your name
Calling me a whore, and saying I lied
That I never loved you, I never cried
I always laid awake, alone at night
Not drowning in blood, but craving a fight
Not soaking my pillows in angry tears
Just another girl who can't look in mirrors
Because she's too fat to realize she's thin
And she's to busy covering the gashes on her skin
To notice she's pathetic, she can't fit in
Because no one wants to love a terrible friend
But now I know the truth: you know how I feel
Because now, tonight, I know my eyes are real
Because all I ever saw with you were mistakes I never made
You always cornered me
Like tearing off a butterfly wing
You'd tell me what my nightmares meant
That I'm just another thing to regret
And I believed you, because I wanted it to be true
I wanted to somehow make us perfect, and I knew it wasn't you
You wouldn't sacrifice your prideful shame
And I still have messages that read your name
Calling me a whore, and saying I lied
That I never loved you, I never cried
I always laid awake, alone at night
Not drowning in blood, but craving a fight
Not soaking my pillows in angry tears
Just another girl who can't look in mirrors
Because she's too fat to realize she's thin
And she's to busy covering the gashes on her skin
To notice she's pathetic, she can't fit in
Because no one wants to love a terrible friend
But now I know the truth: you know how I feel
Because now, tonight, I know my eyes are real
Monday, November 7, 2011
Reflection
i always strive to be the best
and I want to be the best one
in something, but I can never be
the girl you see on the tv screen
talking about how she didn't think this could happen to her
and she just wanted to try something to do for
fun because she has a boring life
just sitting in her bedroom staring at lights
wondering if she could touch them, if she tried
So she tried
but i failed
i lost my way on the bread crumb trail
see, my eyes aren't the best eyes
so i hate being surprised
and i can't stand being scrutinized
because if i can't do it why can you?
why can you see every one of my flaws
when i can't see past these walls
why can you hear me cry
when i cant even empathize?
i just wanted to be the best, you see
or can you not? did your sight flee?
the fat kept sliding off my thighs
the weed kept giving me all new highs
i didn't feel pain from any goodbyes
i could kill you all and not think twice
the drugs made me weak
weakness is for the meek
i didn't eat for a week
to make myself thin
and see myself grin
in the mirror when i saw my bone-thin
rib cage, sticking out like welts
and my jeans don't fit anymore because i have no more belts
and i stayed away from home because i can't be the one
i can't be the daughter you wanted from day one
you can't understand
what you won't understand
i smoke, i drink, i still cut my skin
but it's not that important, because, hell, now i'm thin!
and yes, i have a tattoo, but no, it's not done
i still have to get more words on it, because there's only one
and yeah, it's totally opposite to what i think i am
but that's why i'm getting it finished to reflect who i am
to say you burned me down and kicked me
but i came out from the fire and started to see
what it meant to be me
and I want to be the best one
in something, but I can never be
the girl you see on the tv screen
talking about how she didn't think this could happen to her
and she just wanted to try something to do for
fun because she has a boring life
just sitting in her bedroom staring at lights
wondering if she could touch them, if she tried
So she tried
but i failed
i lost my way on the bread crumb trail
see, my eyes aren't the best eyes
so i hate being surprised
and i can't stand being scrutinized
because if i can't do it why can you?
why can you see every one of my flaws
when i can't see past these walls
why can you hear me cry
when i cant even empathize?
i just wanted to be the best, you see
or can you not? did your sight flee?
the fat kept sliding off my thighs
the weed kept giving me all new highs
i didn't feel pain from any goodbyes
i could kill you all and not think twice
the drugs made me weak
weakness is for the meek
i didn't eat for a week
to make myself thin
and see myself grin
in the mirror when i saw my bone-thin
rib cage, sticking out like welts
and my jeans don't fit anymore because i have no more belts
and i stayed away from home because i can't be the one
i can't be the daughter you wanted from day one
you can't understand
what you won't understand
i smoke, i drink, i still cut my skin
but it's not that important, because, hell, now i'm thin!
and yes, i have a tattoo, but no, it's not done
i still have to get more words on it, because there's only one
and yeah, it's totally opposite to what i think i am
but that's why i'm getting it finished to reflect who i am
to say you burned me down and kicked me
but i came out from the fire and started to see
what it meant to be me
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Update on My Recovery
It's hard being the rebel trying to turn her life around. Especially when the person you trust the most talks about you to boys, saying you're a crazy bitch and she hates you. It's hard to not grab my blade (which I still have to throw away) and just hurt myself the way I used to. I sometimes get sick just looking at the food put in front of me, because of that little voice in my head saying I'm too fat to eat it. Then, when I'm alone in my room, I have to listen to my music as loud as I can-just to keep myself from crying and screaming. I let the music scream for me. My hands shake when I'm upset, more than they ever have. They're shaking right now, actually. It's a miracle I can type. But the worst part is the anger, the rage. The cigarettes are still within easy reach, and so is the blade. The drugs are right down the block, just calling out to me in the dead of night.
When I hear my 'best friend', my little sister, ask my old supplier for weed. It's hurtful to read messages (yeah, I know; invasion of privacy-oh well) to someone not worthy of her, telling him I'm insane and she wants nothing to do with me. And it kills that she doesn't care. It literally kills me to sit there and just watch her destroy her life-just so she can feel accepted.
It hurts. A lot. And I'm not saying I'm going to go back to my old habits, I'm just trying to relay how hard this is.
That's my update as of April 20th, 2011. Day 10
When I hear my 'best friend', my little sister, ask my old supplier for weed. It's hurtful to read messages (yeah, I know; invasion of privacy-oh well) to someone not worthy of her, telling him I'm insane and she wants nothing to do with me. And it kills that she doesn't care. It literally kills me to sit there and just watch her destroy her life-just so she can feel accepted.
It hurts. A lot. And I'm not saying I'm going to go back to my old habits, I'm just trying to relay how hard this is.
That's my update as of April 20th, 2011. Day 10
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