What I'm Guessing Went Through Alea's Mind Last Night

The sky is covered in clouds of gray
And I look away from the phone because I know what you're about to say
You're ashamed of my actions, my sins of the day
And you don't know why I ended up this way

You did what you could to straighten my feet
Trying to shape me into what you wanted me to be
But I've been telling you to stop controlling me
Let me learn for myself, please.

I'm sick of our fights
The angry texts sent in the middle of the night
Preaching at me to just see the light
Well, m'dear, you can try with all your might

But you can't change me until I submit
You can't control my life, got it?
I know you love me and all that shit
But seriously, dude, you need to quit

We'll discuss this in the morning, when I'm actually awake
Just quit texting me, for out friendship's sake
Let me work on fixing my own mistake
And then, later, I'll listen to your take

Time Travel

If I could go back in time, rewind the clock
And see myself at thirteen
I'd see a foolish child that will do anything
To feel loved by a man

If I could talk to myself, the younger Brenda
I'd say, "You're most beautiful when you don't try
The day you look in the mirror and hate
Yourself is the day when you're loved the most.

"Your friends at this point will hinder your journey
At every peak of your mountains of success
They'll be there with shovels and saws and drills
Trying to slowly, subtly, wear you down.

"During your travels through the valleys of sorrow
Look at the jungles surrounding you
Admire the beauty within your pain
And sing the cougars to a tranquil sleep.

"On your climb to the top of understanding yourself
You'll encounter monster after monster
And each of them will inflict scars
But you will win the war, although lose many battles./

"You will face your biggest fear and
Be forced to kill it or let it kill you
You'll discover things about life, love, and pain
That you'll never be able to forget.

"But when you learn how to be a modern-day Hector
Being wise about battles and different strategies
You'll gain a new understanding toward
Your enemies and see the deception of your friends.

"You'll reject the God you once thought you knew
The hateful deity that considered you trash
You will fear God out of self-preservatiuon
Building walls of Jericho around yourself.

"You will gamble with Lucifer, the Father of Lies
Dancing on the edge of his fiery home, teasing his demons
Flirting with death, disease, and destruction
You'll almost lose your soul to Hell.

"But the people you'll meet during the next few years
Will be the anchor you will cling to
The encouragement and support they'll give
Will be the foundation of your recovery.

"So trust their opinions and believe in their love
You'll need both in the long run."
I'd look my younger self in the eye
And then turn and walk away.

Not To Preach, But.....

What will it take to make you understand
You have the entire world in the palm of your hand
But you're letting it run through your fingers like a thousand grains of sand
Refusing to obey even the simplest command
You procrastinate your duties, you refuse to expand
Your knowledge of the world from which you demand
Everything. You're like a tumorous gland
A leech in the water, a parasite on land
Sooner or later, Alli, no one will be able to stand

You-including your closest friend
You'll find yourself alone in the end
Unless you stop your manipulative trend
No one can help you, unless you're willing to mend

Your broken past with a needle and thread
And start doing what your conscience has said
I'd hate to see you wind up dead
With a heroin needle by the side of your head
Prostituting yourself in your futuristic bed
This is the path my feet have tread
Doomed to end up where my rebelliousness led

The dead end is near
Yet your ignorance still shows no fear
Am I not speaking loud enough for you to hear
These words I'm screaming into your ear

I'm passing on lessons learned through my own pain
But you still seem oblivious to me calling your name
I thought at one time that we were the same
But that was when reality came
And bestowed upon me the burden of my shame

Humiliation for what I've done
But my recovery's begun
And even though you're still hiding from the sun
I know, if you tried hard enough, we could heal together, as one.

Update on My Recovery

It's hard being the rebel trying to turn her life around. Especially when the person you trust the most talks about you to boys, saying you're a crazy bitch and she hates you. It's hard to not grab my blade (which I still have to throw away) and just hurt myself the way I used to. I sometimes get sick just looking at the food put in front of me, because of that little voice in my head saying I'm too fat to eat it. Then, when I'm alone in my room, I have to listen to my music as loud as I can-just to keep myself from crying and screaming. I let the music scream for me. My hands shake when I'm upset, more than they ever have. They're shaking right now, actually. It's a miracle I can type. But the worst part is the anger, the rage. The cigarettes are still within easy reach, and so is the blade. The drugs are right down the block, just calling out to me in the dead of night.
When I hear my 'best friend', my little sister, ask my old supplier for weed. It's hurtful to read messages (yeah, I know; invasion of privacy-oh well) to someone not worthy of her, telling him I'm insane and she wants nothing to do with me. And it kills that she doesn't care. It literally kills me to sit there and just watch her destroy her life-just so she can feel accepted.
It hurts. A lot. And I'm not saying I'm going to go back to my old habits, I'm just trying to relay how hard this is.
That's my update as of April 20th, 2011. Day 10

To My Unborn Daughter:

I'm sixteen years old, which implies that I'm a stupid teenager
But I know I love you already
I know I mess up every time my heart beats
But always remember you weren't unwanted-shocking, but loved
You're beautiful, and you'll never be anything less
I haven't seen you yet, haven't felt your heart beat
But I know how much potential you already have
Don't listen to the demons following me around
Stick your tongue out and laugh at their miserable faces
That's what I do

I know that every parent-to-be wants a better life for their kids
And I know, if you're at all like me and my fathers
You'll blow off my warnings and want to learn by experience
But, my daughter, I'm going to warn you anyway

Boys will be stupid, that I can guarantee without a doubt
Girls can be mean and like to feel like they're the best-but that doesn't mean they are
Disobeying your parents can be bad, but can be good for you
Otherwise, you'll never learn consequence
Lying is bad, because trust me, I'll find out
I'm a good liar when I want to be, and I'll see through yours

No matter what my mood is, no matter what I say
Or don't say
I love you, I'll always love you
And no matter what you do, I'll still love you
You're stuck with me, daughter
Just know I'm here for you.