Come Back

The guards come up again
The mask falls down again
I can't be fooled by you
You can't trick me this time
I'm smarter than last time
My heart's still frozen blue
It's not as if you care about what I say
You just keep walking away,
As if I never existed
It's not as if I'm coming back with my
Arms out wide
I'm just lost and don't know the difference

And as you look in my eyes,
I remember just why
You left the first time without a word
I stood there waiting for you to
Turn around and come home to me
But I just stood there and hurt
For years I waited for this day
And you just brushed me away
I never wanted this to happen
We said we'd always stick together
Isn't that what love's about?

I am breaking
My walls have started shaking
Your presence confuses my resolve
My feet are walking toward you
But my mind is saying 'fuck you'
Yet around you my anger dissolves
It's not that I don't love you, since I do
I just wish I lied, so I could leave you
But you have me so hooked on you
It's not like I want you out of my life,
I just want you out of my mind
I'm just so sick of always wanting you

And as you look in my eyes,
I remember just why
You left the first time without a word
I stood there waiting for you to
Turn around and come home to me
But I just stood there and hurt
For years I waited for this day
And you just brushed me away
I never wanted this to happen
We said we'd always stick together
Isn't that what love's about?

I'm still standing on that road where
You left me here alone
So many years ago
But I still hold to that hope
That you'll understand my side
And you'll help me stop this fight
Waging inside my mind, so right
That it's wrong, make me see the light

Love, Lust, and Sex

If you're family and want to condemn me, shut the hell up. If you go to church and want to save me, shut the hell up. If you go to my school and read the title thinking this would be some kinky shit, go cut your throat, fucking pervert. But if you want to know a little something-something about me and how I 'roll,' keep reading. And if I get any nasty messages talking about sex, I will Hunt. You. Down.

I feel as if I do better with physical relationships than emotional ones. I'm always hesitant to say anything sweet, lest I become too emotionally attached, but I thrive when people desire me. I know what men want, and I can deal with that. But the emotional men that want me for me terrify me. I'm not really that special, dude. I'm kinda whorish. You can do so much better. I can name all the guys that deserve better than me. (And no, "Boo," you're not one of them. You don't even deserve who you got after me.) But they stick around, and that scares me more than spiders. I'm deathly afraid of those, mind you. But, honestly, I'm afraid these men will find out I'm not all I'm cracked up to be and they'll leave me forever. Not that I want a bunch of men fawning over me, I just want friends. Shoulders to cry on, if I must admit to crying.
I'll admit it, I can pleasure a man. Yeah, family can say what they want, church members, screw off if you're going to rub it in. I take pride in my skills, actually. I have what men want when they're lonely. I feel like those are the men I can count on to stay emotionally distant. The only problem is, they decide to become emotionally attached, then I get emotionally attached, then all hell breaks loose. Because I'm just bad for you. Got it? Terrible.
You deserve a girl who will wait for you to come home with your favorite movie ready on the TV screen, shrimp and steak cooking, some Dr. Pepper in wineglasses on the table. You deserve a woman who's not afraid to tell other guys to fuck off, she's taken; that will always look at you and know you're all she could ever want. Not someone who cheated on you (again), made you cry, broke your heart, and in most cases, refuses to admit she loves you unless you beg her to say it.
And you, you just amaze me. You deserve what you have. You have a great girlfriend who's done nothing wrong. I've never met her, but you never say anything bad about her. You don't fight? I had a boyfriend I fought with constantly. I don't like those scars I have from that. I don't want either of us to hurt that much. You deserve a girl who doesn't get jealous at every turn, who knows all your likes and dislikes, and who's willing to go to hell and back just to be with you. It's been so many years since we met, man. And I've loved you this entire time. But I can't stand to see your face when you realize you're wrong; I'm really just like all the other sluts out there, despite what I say contrary to that statement.
I don't want either of you, the top guys in my life, to leave. Trust me on that, alright? I'd die willingly if it meant either of you would be happy. I've kicked ass for both of you before, and I've kicked both of your asses in the process. But I don't want to hurt you--either of you. And that's what I'm best at. Besides, of course, making men happy. I'm really good at that. Mr. Churchgo-er-turned-pedo, you taught me well. But either way, I suck at real relationships. I can't stand when people want me because they love me.
Because, honestly, love may be just some random word we humans made up to constitute our whoring around. Love can be filled with hatred, greed, and sometimes nothing. ("Boo," you taught me that one, you did.) In this guy's case, he loved me one minute, wanted me to die in the next, and then waited for me to apologize for the fight to begin with. Or take my parents, for instance. Look where love got them? They hate each other more than me and Brody hate each other! Oh, my bad. "Boo." Look at the rest of the world. Love is bullshit, man. It's a lie, in almost every case when it comes to me. I say the three magic words to bind a guy to me, he says the same to bind me to him. But in reality, neither of us is fooled. We don't love each other, we lust each other. Alea and I used to say, "Let's make lust!" when we made fun of all the kids at school having sex before marriage. Now look at us. Love is lust wearing a kitten outfit. Filled with sweet words, smiles, cute pet names, and some passion. But honestly, I'd rather just take my clothes off and get the sex over with. At least then I know what I'm there for.