Goodbye

If I went to sleep tonight and never woke up,
What would you do?
Say I took that final overdose and ended my existence
And stopped the pulse that keeps me alive
If I called you and said goodbye
Right now
Then shot myself without hanging up
Would you even cry at the funeral?
Would you say you were sorry I was that selfish that I would break my family's heart?
Or would you look through my secrets to try to learn the truth?

If I told you one last time that I wanted to die, would you continue to blow it off?
Or would you take me seriously?
Would you call me and refuse to leave me alone until I tell you what happened?
Or would you text, "I'm sorry," to me?
If you called me right now, would you be able to tell I'm crying?
Would you let me cry without hanging up on me?
Only to interrupt to say you love me and who cares what he says anyway?
Would you jump in your car to come comfort me, dry my tears?
Or would you tell me you wish you could, you really do, but you cant?
You just can't.
If I called you, would you answer?
Any time of the night?
Would you tell me to stop being so down and depressing, or would you listen to me?
Are you able to see the cuts without actually being here to see them?
Or do you really think I wouldn't lie to you?
If I said goodbye, would you worry?
Or figure I'm just giving you bullshit?
I'm just kidding, duh!
I'd never take my own life!
I'm not like that.
I mean, HELLO?!, it's Brenna!!

Guess what?
Goodbye.

Oh, the Joy of Rage

So, today is Valentine's Day. And what a day it's been! First, I wake up and use my new makeup so I can look somewhat pretty for any random pictures. Then the doorbell rings and James walks in with a white teddy bear. How cute!
After school, James and I wanted to watch some movies that we rented Saturday. But Jim had decided otherwise. He wanted us to go to a farm and open bread for the farmer to feed to his deer. Let's just say I got angry.
While in my rage, I had a rational thought. I noticed something about my sisters and I that I'd never noticed before in my entire life. I suddenly realized a pattern in my sisters' reactions when things don't go our way.
Betrenna reacts by using the guilt trip. She cries until she gets her way, and she can cry a lot. She'll say how stressed she is and how we just make her life a living hell when we ask her to pick up her clothes.
Hayley reacts by using her charm. She is the true definition of a Daddy's girl, and she knows it. It can be useful when we want a favor, but terrible when I'm there when she gets caught. Guess who gets in trouble??
Finally, me. I react with anger, violence, and rage. I have a history of beating kids up, and swearing up a storm when I get really angry. It's been my coping skill my whole life. Terrible, I know. But effective. When Betrenna doesn't pick her dirty clothes up, I blow up; when Jim wants me to do bread on V-Day, I flip. It's what I do.