Trigger

I have been struggling for months
Years even
But mostly since you got drunk
And played the blame game on me
"I'm just trying to act out your fantasy"
No one believes the woman crying rape
When she's already well-known in the game
Branded as a slut, an abuser, "not fully there"
She's got so many issues under that hair
No one believes you when your attacker has a face
And you're dating him, for Christ's sake
You can't possibly ever be raped
By the man about to give you his name
I didn't want it.

I've been reluctant to try and write
Because I don't even know if I have the right
Words to explain what you've done to me
I use present tense because it's chronic
It's an illness without a tonic
I don't have relief because there is none
I've shut down for months, become numb
I've walked on the edge of multiple addictions
I've sat down and tried to talk about this affliction
But it's so hard, love.

Last week, I was attacked
Not physically, but mentally, and that lacked
The decency of leaving visible marks
Proof that I suffered, because mark
My words, I did.

My friend said one phrase, that's it
That's all it took for the memories to take hold
And clench my throat in their grasp
I sat in my car, gasping for air
I couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep
Without the nightmares coming back
I imagined your face as it became the monster
And I could smell your breath, the stale scent
Of your Black Velvet and Marlboro red cigarettes
I could feel your calloused fingers ripping down my pants
Or my underwear, as I fought back
In my dreams, it was January
We both know what happened that morning

Wednesday night, I messaged my roommate
I said, "Hey, I'm taking my man upstairs after work
I just want to spend time with him, no worries
No sex, I promise"
He replied back, "He's been having issues,
Don't tell him I told you
But he feels inadequate in his physical attractiveness
Maybe you should have sex with him, it'll make him feel better.."
And I was attacked

I couldn't grip the steering wheel, I came up with excuses
Why I didn't want to go to bed yet, I'm not tired
(Don't ask me to have sex tonight)
I don't want to cuddle tonight as we sleep
(I don't want a reminder than you have a man's body)
I don't want to be touched right now, I'm just grumpy
(All I feel are his fingertips)

Thursday, I had the day off work. I put my feelings aside
I kept it inside
I can't trust anyone to not tell him
I can't stand not telling him
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS

Friday, went to work, came home late at night
He told me he wanted some love
I told him, Not tonight
I'm too tired, let's raincheck
(Please don't ask me to touch that)
I pinky-swore
(Why did I pinky-swear?!)

Saturday, I went to work, and I couldn't think
I couldn't think of anything but your body on mine
Holding me down
Telling me to shut up
"Keep screaming, and I'll do it again"
"Don't say 'rape', I'll do it again"
"Why'd you change your background?! Get over here!"
And he did it again
And again
And again

I couldn't see anything but flashes
I saw the floor
I saw the sectional
I saw the ceiling
I saw the bed
I saw the bottle I tried to break over your head
I saw you morph into the monster
I saw you cry as you apologized

I couldn't hear anything but you
Saying, "I'll teach our daughters to know better"
"You need to learn more respect"
"Tell me you love me, and I'll stop"
"Keep arguing and see what happens"
"Tell anyone, and you'll never see your daughter again"
"I will bury you"
"No one will believe you""
"No one will believe you"
"No one will believe you."

I called my best friend and I cried
Barely coherent, how can I explain
That my rapist, my ghost
Was prohibiting me from enjoying life
Moving on
Creating a family with the best man on the planet
How do I explain that?
She told me to just do it, they're different people
JAMES IS NOT BRIAN.
But in that moment, it wasn't the people I imagined
It was the sex
The brutality
The forcefulness
The salty tears, the runny nose
The screaming and begging like a dog in a shelter
Don't kill this part of me, please!
She told me to tell him
But I couldn't
You don't understand.

I sat in my car
Doing my EMDR
It's this therapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Where you tap alternatively to release memories
Desensitize
I managed to build up the courage to go to the door
I sat outside, stalling until my roommate came home
I'd called him once I left work, begging him to hurry up
So I didn't have to explain
How can I explain?

I came up with more excuses
I'm worn out
(Don't touch me)
We need to wake up early tomorrow
(Don't touch me)
I don't want to have to shower right now
(Don't touch me)
It's late
(DON'T TOUCH ME!)

Sunday we went to an amusement park
We even went to the wave pool
But I wouldn't let him touch me
Except to hold my hand so I wouldn't fall
I wore a bikini
(Don't look at me)
I felt exposed, scared
All these people could see my pelvic bones
They had no idea that they once wore bruises
One on each side, front and back
From being shoved onto my hardwood floor
Taken from the back to teach me a lesson
About defiance
Then flipped to the front so he could silence my cries
They could see the outline of my backside
Under the bikini bottom
But they would never know that he had taken that from me as well
Because he didn't like the looks of my cell phone
They had no idea that I had tried to follow the rules
I didn't cry that time until he shoved it in
I tried to placate him that night.

We got home on Sunday night, and he said he was horny
I laughed it off, not tonight
I'm tired, it's late, and my daughter is sleeping
(I don't want to imagine the male anatomy)

The next morning, well, it's morning
He's a man; it happens
I cringed, moved my body away from him
He snuggled closer
I got out of bed
I need to get our daughter
(Keep it away from me)

I told him, finally.
I told him how out of control my life is
How I've been struggling day in and day out
Don't resort to cutting, Brie
Don't ask anyone for alcohol, Brie
Don't you dare refuse food, Brie.
I'm the strong one, I'm the fighter
But I'm fighting a force that can't lose
I told him how defeating it is to be in love
But I can't even imagine a life without this?
Once I think I've healed, it implodes on me
And I'm back to square one
I told him about my nightmares, how scared I am
I told him how I won't get justice
Not even an apology
And he listened
He said, "Babe, I'm here for you
I gave you this ring because I can handle your crazy
And I love you
I thought you were about to leave me
I thought you hated the sight of me
But as much as it sucks, I'm glad to know it wasn't my fault."

YOU.
You have stolen my life, and for that, I will always hate you
You steal a child YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO CLAIM twice a week
You steal friends and I have to watch them go through my hell
You steal my innocence when I know I can empathize rather than sympathize
You steal my relationship because I can't bring myself to sleep with him
You steal my life, when my schedule revolves around accommodating you
You steal my sanity because you act so perfect and fool so many
You steal my words because how can I explain this?
You. Stole. Everything.

Every day is a damn struggle, and you'll never know what it's like
You will never have my nightmares
You'll never have a slight fear of muscles because of how powerless you are
You'll never avoid town gatherings to avoid an anxiety attack
And you will never fear being called a liar
An abuser, a child-beater, a cheater, a whore
You'll never know what you've really stolen from me.

I'm trying my best to move on
But I can't fully heal
And I'm starting to understand that once you've been raped
Once your dignity has been stolen
That you never really do
They'll always be a ghost, married to your subconscious
"Til death to us part"
Huh, guess you got your wish, love.