A Letter and a Rant

Skylar, I miss you.

I miss loving you, comforting you,

Wanting the best for you

And I'm sorry I don't have the options

I'm sorry I don't have you

I wish I could take it all back

Because let's face it

You're all I have left

In everything I've endured,

You're the thing I cling to

Like a life jacket in the sea

You mean life and death to me

And it's so hard

If I had no care in the world,

I'd be fine

I may drink for a day or so

But I'd survive

If you weren't a part of me

I could let go

I could easily move along

I can't do that though

Because you have the best parts of me

All wrapped into your tiny self

And I'm scared you won't recognize your own mother

And think I'm someone else

I'm worried you'll think less of me

Maybe even hate me

And that fact in itself

Makes me hate myself

If I had only done things differently

Handled things differently

Said things differently

Reacted differently

You'd see me differently

And for you!
How can you dictate my skills as a mom

As a woman who's sacrificed myself

For the daughter I gave birth to

For the daughter I gave my heart to

For the daughters I gave my life to

How dare you.

You're no one to them

Just monsters in their dreams

You narcissists believe you're helping

When you just want to hurt me

You've never liked me

Which is fine, but to take it out on my babies?
That's low, even for you.

You, who ignore the shit you walk in

To pick up piles of gold

Only to break them apart

Until they're only shards

Of who they were

Of the parents they were proud to be

I am a mother

A good one at that

And you are a worker

Who knows my case file

And recognizes my children

You see danger when there is none

Choosing to listen to a lying, jealous woman

Over the voices trying to tell you the truth

Trying to reunite my family

The one YOU tore apart

And why?

Because of rumors

I'd be ashamed to be you

Hush Little Baby

Hey, I'm writing you a letter
Hey, I'm hoping it gets better
'Cause you're all that's on my mind
Hey, I search the sky for you
Hey, do you look for me too
'Cause I'm never very hard to find

Because I'm lying here, staring straight
At Paradise, who stole you away
And I'm lying in the grass tonight
Singing to you, your lullaby

Hey, I scream at you sometimes
Even though I know the fault's all mine
But I still feel like I'm missing my soul
Hey, I sing you songs sometimes
Hey, you're inside every rhyme
And I think of you when I feel alone

Because I'm lying here, staring straight

At Paradise, who stole you away

And I'm lying in the grass tonight

Singing to you, your lullaby

Hush little baby, don't say a word

Mommy's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing

Then mommy's gonna sing instead

It's Crazy, How Crazy I Am For You

Dedicated to my boyfriend, Brian Hammer. Babe, you've opened my eyes to a whole new world, filled with possibilities. I love you and Evee so much! I can't wait for the future; I'm so excited to see how our interesting relationship dynamics play out!

Tomorrow marks month one,
And I still remember that one sentence
"Hey, I gotcha something"
And I pulled out two bracelets, matching
I <3 My BF and vice versa, and we wore them
And we lost them, and we find them
Then we do it all over again
And I love it
I love that everything's so simple
Even when it's complex, because a single
Fight can be fixed, we can clean any mess
One cigarette later, and we stare
We glare, and we kiss
And when we kiss, I melt
I forget the floor's beneath me and I fall
Like I keep falling for you, I pray I never stop
Because I can live in this abyss, as long as our end's at the top
Unattainable, even if we wanted it
This so-called blindness made me see so clearly
How obvious this was meant to happen, I see it now
Even if we don't last forever, we'll have known life together
Because it's been pure Heaven, all wrapped up in hugs
And I go crazy when you say you love me
Because I've never known a love like this
It's crazy, how crazy I am for you
And let's stop time for awhile
Let me just enjoy your smile
Because it's not often I make people very happy
And to know I'm what you want is unbelievable
I never thought it'd be so achievable
To be the one who wakes up lying in your arms
It's like a Hollywood movie, really
Fall asleep in embrace, wake up in that same place
And it's crazy, how crazy I am for you
So take another sip of this
Because it's only been a month of this,
And I'm anxiously awaiting the rest of this
Because it's crazy, how crazy I am for you

I'm Honestly Too Depressed To Write..

And the worst part is I'll never know
Who you were, where you'd go in life
And I wouldn't have been able to give you everything
I want to give you everything you need
I would give anything to at least know for sure
And I'd give up my life to see
Your beautiful face looking back at me
Through the doctor appointments, through the glass
Let Daddy hold you, love you right
Because we have so much love to give you, even though we're only
Children ourselves, and that's why you must've left
I guess that's why you left, because I couldn't resist
The fucking drinking and this shit!
And now I'm sitting here crying,
Trying to figure out how to tell your Daddy
Because Daddy and I moved on, we broke up
But if I had known you were there, I'd have shut up
I would have made you a home where I had none
I would have told you every day you're beautiful
Because you are
And even though I didn't get to know you, I still feel empty
I didn't even know you were in me
But I remember the blood
And the test saying 'No baby here'
That kills me, Darling...

Home Sweet Home

Dancing on the ice, thin as it is
And I'm tiptoeing across, under the bridge
Like the water I'd spilled there, gotta forgive
But it froze when my heart left
When you stole it away, the blood stopped
The ice is so thin, afraid to fall in
But I'll wake up when I drown
And my eyes will open and I'll finally see
Maybe I was worth it, this life I lead
Is it possible I was wrong?
For so long?
Was I living in an altered state?
A state of mind where the mind was my hell
Because all it did was tell me lies
And besides, I thought it was honesty
But that doesn't exist, does it baby?
Because I'm just crazy, doesn't faze me anymore
Just give me another shot of medicine,
Let me walk on the ice, let me dance
Because I've almost forgotten how to spin
When my world spins for me
Topsy turvy, rolly polly,
Staggered to the door, fell to the floor
On my knees crying out to the ceiling
Help me, please.
Just erase my memory, let me pretend
If only for a little while, I beg you
How dare you, take everything I am?
Who are you to think I can still stand?
The moon shines on my ice-thin path
Frost covering the clear, the medicine calms my fear
And I love it, because I love you
But I fear you, I'm terrified.
I ran, I hid, I smoked a few cigs
And I drank, I cried, I swore I was dying inside
Because you can't live heartless forever
And you have to have circulation to breathe
Get some blood in the capillaries
But this ice is so cold, so sharp, calling to me
And I can't break it, because then I'll be cold
Colder than I am now
I'm so cold, this ice is freezing me
But the vodka warms my throat as it goes down
And the cigarette burns my wrist, but no blood pours
I stand there, clicking my feet
Till the ice breaks, and I fall in
Home Sweet Home

Introduction!

This is video one in my new series, The Invisibility Effect. It's just an intro video, talking a little about my life. Stay tuned for my next video, which will talk about the absurdity of love.

Personally, I Think Love is a Bunch of Shit

Watch out, I'm about to rant. Don't like what I say? Don't read it. I can and will get angry and say really nasty stuff to people who get mad at me for what I'm about to write. K? K.

Why the HELL am I not good enough for you? Seriously, I willingly threw away EVERYTHING for you. Do you understand me? Do you speak English? Do you? Because every fucking time I try to have a goddamn conversation with you, you shut down. I get the shutting down stuff, I really do. I mean, maybe you feel guilty for what we did. Maybe you feel bad for playing me. Who knows? You, and only you, since you absolutely refuse to even tell me, your best friend. Remember me? Yeah, still here, back to square one. Back to being just that one girl. That one you broke a promise to, that one you fucked over, that one you LIED to. I really hate liars. You know that, don't you? You should, since I used to kick your ass for lying to me. But now I can't kick your ass. Now I don't want to hurt you. I do a lot to make sure I don't hurt you. But you can't return the favor, eh? Can't be honest with her, can't be straight with me, can't even lie to me to make me feel a teensy bit better about this entire predicament I let myself get into. All because I thought you were worth it. I thought maybe you really did feel something all these years. Maybe it was't lust. Guess the fuck what? It was. Because you were over me quicker than my daddy was. And that was just a single text message. That's pretty goddamn quick, man. Can you at least spare me the happy-go-lucky, lost-your-fuck-buddy routine? If that's all you thought we were, tell me now so I can go get myself drunk to pretend you never said shit. Because you were so perfect in the beginning! So incredibly perfect. Now I'm starting to wonder if that was me imagining things. The you I know never treated me like this. Or maybe I really am delusional. Maybe I really do have some goddamn crazy shit in my head. Ask Carlee, she thinks I do.
Ain't that right, Shorty? Remember when I used to call you that? And you called me Stretch? Good times, gurly. Shame they were all a fucking lie. Seriously, if you hated me that much, fucking tell me. I coulda sworn we were best friends. Best friends don't talk shit to their parents. I made you throw up? I told you you were fat and had mental problems? When?! I had NO idea you felt that way about me. I didn't know I held a blade to your wrist when I was at Cono, with no way of even contacting anyone but my mom and my sister. Please, tell me how I did this. I have no idea how complimenting you all the goddamn time made you sick to your stomach, depressed, and trying to kill yourself. I guess I'm just that fake. So fake, in fact, I don't even realize my fakeness! Ha! This shit makes me laugh, honestly. Go tell your mom some more bullshit and get pissed at me for defending myself again. Go ahead, do it.
Is it just me, or do parents really fuck you over? Seriously, there's a legit reason I didn't want to go to camp this week, Mom. And you, Pastor, did you realize this was the ONLY week I didn't want to go to camp? I didn't go earlier in the summer because I had this thing called a job, so my parents could get off my ass about money. Next week is James' birthday. I have yet to actually be here on his birthday, in the two years we've been together. This is the third birthday I'll be missing. And to say I have to be spiritually ready to go work at an orphanage? I'm not a goddamn Christian! I do it to help them. Not to help your god. Your god is so powerful, he shouldn't even need my fucking help. YOU'RE the reason I hate church. You think I enjoy being told what to do by my pastor? Who the hell do you think you are?! I didn't want to go to camp, and I sure as hell am not happy about finding out I'm being forced to go three days before I leave. Just smite me, dear God Almighty! Kill me now, spare me the details. You wonder why I hate you. For real, man.
And you! You, my own father. left me yet again! Am I seriously not enough for you? I mean, I completely understand you not loving me as much as you do your son, since that's the reason you left us in the first place, fucking asshole. But seriously? Leaving me because I remind you of your ex? That's my goddamn mother! Remember fucking her?! Remember when I was born?! You probably weren't even there. You were probably out buying baby boy shit for your little son. Mom told me you didn't even want to know me. You gonna argue that statement? Don't bother, Jason. If you had wanted to know me, you would've tried a long-ass time ago.
Who's next to be a target?! Oh, yeah, me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with James? Why do I always have to fuck everything up? Goddamn. I wanna be with him because I want him to be happy, but the idea of being with him...yeah, not digging it. Don't know why! Probably because I'm fucked up. Because I want my 'best friend.' Because I have daddy issues. Who fucking knows, who fucking cares!
I'm done for now. I'm gonna have a cigarette. Go ahead, tell my mommy. She can't control a demon-child like me anyway.

Another Absent Father

When I imagined you, I pictured a king

Kept from his family by an evil witching

I imagined you fighting to keep me

Brandishing your sword to fight the enemy

I thought you'd be remorseful for making us believe

You didn't want us, we were nothing

But then again, I never believed in fairy tale stories

I remember when we met, I always took your side

I thought the best of you, but you have a black mind

The only logical explanation for you

Was that I wasn't good enough, which is true

Will I ever be good enough?
Will we ever be enough for you to love?

When you left us, I was a baby

I grew up thinking it was my fault, you made me

Feel guilty for something I had no say in

And I mean, I'm just saying

How I felt as you never wrote, never called

Never thought anything of it, you watched me fall

You watched us suffer, through all of the pain

And you said nothing to stop what we became

Your children have been broken, whether you know it or not

I, for one, have witnessed enough

You leaving made me feel I was unworthy

No matter what I did, no one could love me

You didn't even leave a picture to remember you by
I have no evidence of you holding me while I cried

Did you cry when I wanted to die?
Did you feel any pain as we grew up without you?
Did you feel anything?

I don't know where you've been all these years

When you should have been there to wipe our tears

When we had our first heartbreaks and had no threats

When we fell through the floors and had no one to protect us

I don't know how you could cope

Knowing you were killing all of our hope

In our father, our sperm donor, our dad

And my imaginary you is the best you I had

Because he fought for us, he loved us, and he actually cares

But I can fight for myself, you see, because you were never there

I can fend for myself, get what I need,

I know I'm not enough for you, and I never will be

Go back to being perfect, beautiful, in my head

Because right here, right now, the real you is dead.

Breaking the Law

I'm not trying to hate on you,
Never meant to disrespect you
Never wanted to hurt you, dude
But when did love mean the same as hate?
And when did hate mean you appreciate me?
Because I always imagined appreciation as love
And now it's an endless circle, turning into the wind
Winding down into oblivion
And I want it all to end, but how do you end something
No one knows has started?
And you, of all people out there in the universe
Should know every lyric to every verse
That I write is the real me
The real Brie
And Brie's just a name, it's abbreviated
A nickname, if you will, it's fun to say
I'm not dissing who I am, or who you think you are
I'm defending my right to embrace my scars
Because scars made me realize the truth
No matter who you fight, the real battle is you
Accepting the pain is better than wallowing
Shutting up and swallowing everything
Or following a bunch of blind fools
Who don't know where they're walking
Do you know where your feet step?
Do you understand where your shoes tread?
This is dangerous water, where you think it's land
And you're getting involved in something you can't understand
Because you've never walked in my size eight shoes
And you can't pretend you could ever know who
I am, what I want, or even my history
Because you can't see through my eyes, you know nothing
And you were never there during the blindness
You didn't see me through my sickness
Where were you in my happiness?
You know me from history, and that's just that
History is everything in the forgotten past
It makes you who you are, no matter how you suppress
And I'm proud of who I am, you can't be my oppressor
Your words can't bring me down today
Or yesterday, tomorrow, nothing you say
You think the truth hurts, you got that right
Go look in the mirror and relive that fight
Tell me if you still feel righteous
After pulling the trigger on an immediate crisis
Tell me, do you still want to live your life
Knowing you could have helped me die?
I'm not looking for pity, or I'd attack you
I'd make you see the real problem--you
I'm merely pointing out your faults
In starting a war against my own flaws
I'm not any more perfect than you,
That's true
But I embrace my imperfections, I make them brand new
I turn them into beauty, unlike you
Next time you want to play a childish game
Think about who's the child, who's receiving blame?
I've got my shit straight, now why's yours in a curve?
Figure it out, then send me a message, in appropriate words.

Thank You

Today, I drove to town
And as I was driving I thought to myself
How easy it would be to just let go
Let go of the steering wheel and crash
Crash, crashing like my life did
My life went crash, and all my hopes
Everything I've ever aspired to be came crashing down
Downward toward the floor I'd worked so hard to get up from
Down where my silhouette is still visible because I was a doormat
And I thought that was my place,
Let them do their thing, just wait for it to end
But it never ended, did it?
Did it? The social workers ask me
Were you hurt? Yes, I answer
But you did nothing
Nothing was done to stop the pain from
Tearing into my body
I tore my heart open just to make more room
I tore my skin open to make room for the blade
I tore my stomach open to drain the food
And I tore my hair out when I still wasn't good enough
Will I ever be good enough for you?
When will I have done enough for you to want me?
To love me?

I remember when I was still a child, still believed
In God, in love, and in fairy tales
All of them are intertwined, without an ending
Because it can't be happy, and it can't be sad
So it shouldn't ever end, should it?
I believed trust should be given, as freely as an uncaged bird
And I trusted you, every part of you
I believed love was in excess, that I just had to find it
But I never did, it always kept running away
In the opposite direction

I remember when I was told I had an ED
That's eating disorder, like when women
Weren't happy with themselves, they starvED
They still do, I ate nothing for the sake of being lovED
Being beautiful, wantED, like your belovED
Like you love everyone else, everyone but me
Remember when you promisED to always be there?
I guess promises are futile, aren't they?
Always being editED, changED, to suit your own desires
Remember when you callED me and asked for forgiveness?
I don't, either.

Sometimes I lay awake at night
Just lying on my bed
Lying to myself, saying I'm worth it
Saying I'm worth better, more than you think I am
But it was a lie, just like your lies
Because your world lies to me
Just like I lie to all of you
I quit cutting, that one's true though
I quit smoking, that's a lie
I just quit when I get near my Grandma, because
I've hurt her enough by not being there
As much as I should be
I quit drugs, that's true
Because every time, I think of you
How you lied to me, ruined my trust in you
When you told me your love for meth was through
I'm supposed to look up to you
You're my brother, that's what we do, isn't it?
I quit crying, that's a lie
Because I never cry in the first place
At least not where you can see me
Hear me screaming out my rage at myself
Because I'm not as good as everyone else
I quit trying, that's a lie too
I'm always trying to win you over
Trying to be the perfect light in your otherwise
Ugly world, full of lies
Just like the lies I hide in my eyesight
I just look away.

Sometimes, I play my music really loud
And my sister would get mad at me
Because she can't hear her tunes over mine
And my parents would say it makes me
Anti-social, that was the word
But I'm really social with the voices in my head
No, they don't speak to me
They're memories, lodged into my subconscious
Replaying over and over, reminding me of history
And I don't want to hear, don't want to listen, so
I turn my music up louder, and louder still
Til I break my earphones and have to get new ones
And I break those, too, but I still hear the memories

Sometimes, when I write, I forget why I'm writing
I think I'm doing it to please people
To get some money, maybe make a living off of it someday
Some days, I forget why I started--
To stay sane, through the turmoil and pain
I should have that memorized, I guess
I'll work on that

I'm not going to write about how I wish I could hate
For more than a minute, as minute the issue is
I wish I could pause every minute I'm with you
So I can just live in that moment, just that one minute
And relive that minute over and over until
I have it memorized, every second of that minute
And every minute thought you have, I want to know
Because I'm just that interested in you

And I want you to know, that I love everything in my life
Because though it's almost over, though I will die relatively soon
There's nothing I would take back, ever
Every person has affected me, both good and bad
But the bad influences made me better, made me a better
Person, with a better personality
And I thank you for that
So thank you.

To My Grandma:

It can't end this way
There's still so much more to say
And I'm not ready to say goodbye
Can we go back in time
And rewind our lives
Because I can't stand to let it die
And I want to go back to you and I

I didn't get my chance
To say all I needed to
And I wasted so much
Didn't give enough to you
Always thought you'd stay
And be the constant in my life
I didn't think I'd see the day
When I'd see through my own lie

You always said you'd be there
When I was just a girl
You pointed to my heart through the air
And said this will be my home

You promised me
That you'd never leave
That the world will change but you would always be
Why has it taken so long for me to see?

Prince

I will not fall the way you fell into my arms
I will not call the wolf's cry, sound the alarm
I will stand tall, and face the pain you pushed so far away
And watch you crawl away from the dark night

Do you still believe in the hope we'd see
When we'd watch them make our enemies flee
And stand there like children, on our knees
Shiver the cold away, wait for another day
For Prince to save our dreams again

You still won't leave the tower haunting me in my dreams
It's like a refuge that you can't seem to escape
I got away, by sheer force and determination
But you cower there like the shy little princess
When will you know the grass cannot be greener
When all that's in front of you is a wall made of stone

Run away into the wood jumping high above the walls
Toward a secret lover's nest surrounded by waterfalls
Run this way, I'm waiting for you
To take back what's ours so we make a new world
Our world

The world outside is so beautiful
And here you can be just as beautiful as we were
With the children laughing in the streets, dancing
Because they know the chains they escaped
The chains you cling to for life
Singing of princes coming to save
A life that was never theirs to save

It was yours

Beauty From Ashes

Finding beauty within the ashes is much more than camera flashes
I must find the fire and burn the past
To make an image that I know will last
I need a story to bring about
Changes in what I'm all about
I have to have a history
A mystery behind
My fucked up mind
The things I love, I know you'll hate
You'd rather have control of my fate
But to hell if I'll give up control
Of the only thing I have control of
And let you make me another golden child
One that isn't crazy and is never wild
So screw your opinion if it doesn't match mine
Or at least a version of mine in my mind
Because honestly, boy, my soul is mine
My life is mine
My body, mine
Not yours.
So I'll burn down my current self
And emerge as someone else

Letter To A Soldier

I got a letter from a soldier today
Someone you’ve never met
But he’s a friend, or so I say
Please don’t be upset
I asked him to write to me
When he passed to Vietnam
All I wanted was brutal honesty
Don’t you understand?
Your letters home all say hello
And Mother doesn’t suspect at all
But I’m not a child, Brother, I know
The actual battle where dozens fall
He tells me about feeling like prey
And living in fear every day

Brother, I miss you, and your death I fear
I don’t want to see you die
And though it means you’d always be near
I refuse to let your body rot in the place where dead soldiers lie
I know about the insects that bite you in your sleep
The eyes watching in the night
I hear the neighborhood mothers weep
When the reality of the war comes into the light
Medicine cannot save the lives
Of the many fallen men
And peace is a dream I’ve come to despise
Because it turns to death in the end
I can’t continue to live like this
Dreaming of the bullets that somehow always miss

In my nightmares they hit their bulls-eye
Blood pouring out in crimson red
I see your eyes widen in shock and I cry
Because I know you’ll soon be dead
The enemy I see inside my dreams
Are black images in my mind
And when I see the blood, I know what it means
I can feel your body’s pain in mine
I know your final thoughts are of anger and rage
Upset that you can’t make this right
And your ferocity cannot be kept in a cage
Not with all of your might
This dream haunts me in my head
Like a nightmare that comes when I lay in bed


We got a letter from you today
Mother was almost in tears
She was so happy to open it and say
That you’ll be home next year
The letter drifted to the floor
And Mother fell to her knees
I grabbed it and ran to the door
Ready to burn it because I don’t want to see
I know what it says; you were brave
And if we need money, just call
But if money were the thing that could save
You, my brother, wouldn’t fall
I go to school shrouded in black
Because happiness won’t bring you back..

Teen Mom

I hate it when the sky is blue
And I lay in the grass but I all can think of is you
Of your voice, claiming your love
And telling me about the clouds above
Your fingers caressing my goose-bumped arm
The red lights were blinking, sounding an alarm
But I was too blind to notice the wrong
I was too focused on singing childish songs
I didn't believe it could happen to us
We're indestructible, so pure from lust
Our love was so pure, so eternal and true
So simple, all it took was, "I love you"
And I was hooked
That moment you took my nose out of my book
You'd spend the week at my place, staying in the guest room
My parents said they could trust you, and I did too
You never did anything wrong to anyone I know
So why did you betray us in our own home?
The bed was white, the blood was red
Except they didn't believe a word I said
"He's a good boy, child, you'll see
You and him were meant to be
You'll get over your fear of him
Just let your heart welcome him in
He's the one that will treat you right
The only one you'll find home at night."
They wanted me to commit myself
To the man who stole the last bit of myself
I can't be near the bed you stained
And anywhere someone knows my name
So tell my parents that I'm okay
And that I won't let my daughter end up this way