The Way I Love(d) You

It is, was, the way a child loves a dog
Man's best friend but man
You're my best friend
And just like a child is clueless to the way a pet can suddenly disappear
It hit me like a boulder falling on top of an ant
And I swear to God I didn't get a chance to scurry to safety
One minute theres a sky and the next there's nothing
Nothing but life continuing around my breathless shell
The world keeps spinning and it's like it left me here and I still haven't caught up

In college I learned that eyewitness testimony is faulty
You're more likely to remember every detail of a weapon than you are the perpetrator
You're more likely to stick to your guns when you're not sure because that's how we're wired
But I don't even care about statistics because I remember
The day we met, swollen with a baby
Hobbling with my walker to meet this babyfaced man that claimed to be older than me
Showed me ID just to prove it to me
I remember you calling me sweetheart
Which you do to every girl but you are the only person to ever call me that
And I only want to hear it from your mouth or your texts or your snaps or your Messenger
I want to hear it in the wind in your voice with your smile and your laugh with your eyes and your hands
No one and nothing else

I remember when when you came to my room smiling like a fool
Because a newborn was waiting to greet you
And I barely knew you but you were there
I remember when I left and you didn't let go
Fiifty or so miles was nothing to you or me
I remember hitting on waitresses at Applebee's and daring you to get a number only to get rejected because she had a man but you said it was also because she thought you were dating me
I remember when I told you I was happy in love with someone else and you took it like a champ but you bought me flowers when he left and you stayed with me
And when He entered my home
Like a spy across a warzone
Only to tell me I was His and His alone
And made that recording on His phone
As He hurt me
When He left I called you
But you didn't answer
And when you found out what had happened you said why the fuck didn't you call me
I could have protected you
And of course we exhanged logs only to find some unknown reason why you never got my plea for help

There was a time when you wanted me to dance with you
And I told you I can't dance and you said I'll show you
I had this date planned and I can show you
Now I can't even remember which song it was

Four has always been my digit
You know that I'm a musician
So babe watch this, listen
Fourth grade, Suzuki Book Four, song four, four eyes, and four friends
Alea, Carlee, Brex, Morgan
And now four pets, four family members, four friends
You're my favorite though
You wanted four kids
And now I think four isn't as great as I thought it was because
Four years wasn't enough
You were gone four days later
And four letters into the alphabet lies you, D

Now it's 6 in the morning and I'm still up
Thinking of that fourth day
Hearing her screams
I hear them in my dreams man
I can replay that whole night in my head
From the moment she didn't make sense
I thought she was gone dude
I kept looking for some indication of you
Besides the cops and your car in the driveway and my unanswered calls
The silence like a black hole devouring all my hopes
Like it devours planets
I thought you were missing
God, I wish you had just been missing
So I stayed
And I stayed and called my husband and our friends
And I looked for anything else to say than he's dead
And I stood across the street until that bag was full of you
And then the eye of the storm was right over my head until the winds came back and the torrents soaked my coat and my hair and my eyes
And my lungs shrank in that moment when they took you away because I haven't taken a full breath since
And I swear they forgot how to expand when I stood there because my body wouldn't inhale, exhale
Instead it was no no no no PAUSE.
And what better way to hesitate the world's spinning than to stop breathing?

And I still can't sleep because I need to speak
I need to find the words to articulate this feeling
I need to breathe again

I have a big vocabulary and you know I love to be a grammar nazi but right now I don't know how I'm supposed to say it
Do I love you
Or did I love you?
Because we don't speak of those past in the present and love is a verb
But I can't justify saying past tense because I still love you even though you're not here
And I can't talk to your memory unless I talk to the freakishly feminine shirt you gave me from your high school days
Or the hoodie you gifted when I begged you for a piece of something so I could visibly claim you
And you told me to not mourn you long when you die
But it's been a few weeks and I still hate my heart for beating when yours isn't

Every time we love we give fractions of our hearts to another
I gave you such a large portion
And we all hope we can get it back when we inevitably breaks
But you took your share with you thank God
Because once it's back, it means the feelings are gone
Another ship passing by without a glance
But your photos are everywhere
And this pain, it's a relief because that means that you still have that part of me
And since it's in the afterlife now I'll never get it back
But I don't want it back because I want to keep loving you

I'll tell my daughter about her favorite uncle and my son about his
And I'll write until I find out how words on a computer screen will bring you to life again
The way science can bring one back from the edge
I've got pieces of you, too, though they may be small
They may be enough to fill some of the hole
I can mold myself around them like clay
And set them ablaze and watch them harden into a makeshift replica of what I'd hoped for us to be
And maybe, for now at least, that will be enough.

Pheonix

After the rapes, I was too scared to really come forward and tell the world what my ex had done to me. I didn't want to press charges, I didn't want to feel. My feelings just shut off, and I was numb. My mind started to forget what had happened to me, but the nightmares kept at it and I got anxious every time I visited home. And that still happens. But now, it's like the feelings I had kept locked up are out. And the pain and fear are gone. I'm not scared of him anymore. I'm not scared to let the world know what this man is capable of. And good Lord, the world will know.

I've come to write a letter
I letter I'd never rendered
Necessary until now
And I'm writing it now

Dear Insert Blank Space Here
I just wanted to say fuck you
No, seriously, I mean it
I've been afraid for too long, you
Had a power over me, and I hate it
But trust me when I say
That I'm not even close to afraid
I've got an army at my back
Just made up of facts
And as a matter of fact,
You lied
But for now I'll keep you alive
Just so I can inflict enough pain
For you to see what I deal with every day
Are you sleeping where you died?
Do you have terrors in the night?
Have you been trying so hard to remember
Just so you wouldn't forget?
My brain just wants to surrender
The memories, but I won't let it
I refuse to suppress what you did to me
I need to know what it did to me
How it affected me
How it killed me
And how it cured me
You see, I'm back now with a vengeance
And I'll stop you from getting away with this
You'll pay for what you did, one way or another
And I'd hate for you to turn up dead
I'd hate to see the sky turn red
And I'd hate to see your rolling head
Because that's too kind to someone so cruel
And for someone that died, I've learned a thing or two
You can stand on solid ground
And I'll just dig it from beneath you
Slowly going around
Until you're too far down to move
Then I can just bury you alive
Bit by bit of dirt
And then I can listen to you scream
And damn, will it feel good.

Basically, my love, I'm just warning you
That I'm back, I'm pissed, and I'm coming after you.

Scream

It’s a sad day in hell when I fear you

You, who were supposed to

Help me, protect me, love me

You promised forever, and though we fight

I was never supposed to have nightmares

When you stay over

I could’ve told you

You’re a monster

A monster we gave life to

A demon we gave a right to

Invade me in such a way

I never meant for this to happen

Then again, we never do

I shouldn’t be so scared to fight

Especially with you

I cringe when you glare at me

Solely out of fear

Because once you get the gleam in the eye

I know the monster’s here

And I scream

I hope someone hears me

I hope you break my neck

I hope you’re able to stop yourself

Because I know what’s next

And I scream

My body’s being invaded

And you’re getting off to it

And it scares the shit out of me

Who are you?

You tell me I have one last chance

To change my mind, to agree

To whatever your side is during this argument

At the slightest hesitation, the monster ignites

The fire, and holy shit, does it burn bright.

And I scream

The feeling of you entering

Is making me tear up now

I remember the pain

The horror, the begging

The pleading, and most of all,

The screaming

You tell me, “Stop crying. Now”

And I try

But every thrust puts me further into oblivion

And I look for a weapon

I reach for a bottle

You catch on too quickly, grab it from my hand

And I just made this worse

I tell you I’ll do whatever you want

You tell me you’re gonna get it anyway

I cry and say, “Please, baby. This isn’t love.”

You tell me I made you this way.

I try to fight back but you’re stronger than me

I picture my baby, and think of my mother

And it makes me cry

And I scream

I scream for the injustice being done to my body

I scream for the man I know to defeat the monster

Or if he’s already dead, I mourn him

I scream for the rage I’d feel for my daughter

If she ever had a man like you

I scream for the shame you make me feel

I scream for the pain I feel as you enjoy this

I scream for my mother, because she’s too weak

To be able to handle what’s going on

So I scream

And I wish you’d just leave

I wish I could get help

But I’m still so damn scared

And it’s ruining my life

I just want to be happy

I think I've deserved it

And I can’t be happy with a monster

I’m tired of screaming

I’m living in a constant fear

I dread you walking into the door

I shut up when you disagree with me

I do what you say, and I play it safe

Because I don’t have the energy to scream

I’ve found someone who could make me happy

And I’m terrified to tell you

I think we might have a future now

I hope

But if not, that’s okay

Because he’s not you

He’s not a monster

And I don’t have to scream.

A Letter and a Rant

Skylar, I miss you.

I miss loving you, comforting you,

Wanting the best for you

And I'm sorry I don't have the options

I'm sorry I don't have you

I wish I could take it all back

Because let's face it

You're all I have left

In everything I've endured,

You're the thing I cling to

Like a life jacket in the sea

You mean life and death to me

And it's so hard

If I had no care in the world,

I'd be fine

I may drink for a day or so

But I'd survive

If you weren't a part of me

I could let go

I could easily move along

I can't do that though

Because you have the best parts of me

All wrapped into your tiny self

And I'm scared you won't recognize your own mother

And think I'm someone else

I'm worried you'll think less of me

Maybe even hate me

And that fact in itself

Makes me hate myself

If I had only done things differently

Handled things differently

Said things differently

Reacted differently

You'd see me differently

And for you!
How can you dictate my skills as a mom

As a woman who's sacrificed myself

For the daughter I gave birth to

For the daughter I gave my heart to

For the daughters I gave my life to

How dare you.

You're no one to them

Just monsters in their dreams

You narcissists believe you're helping

When you just want to hurt me

You've never liked me

Which is fine, but to take it out on my babies?
That's low, even for you.

You, who ignore the shit you walk in

To pick up piles of gold

Only to break them apart

Until they're only shards

Of who they were

Of the parents they were proud to be

I am a mother

A good one at that

And you are a worker

Who knows my case file

And recognizes my children

You see danger when there is none

Choosing to listen to a lying, jealous woman

Over the voices trying to tell you the truth

Trying to reunite my family

The one YOU tore apart

And why?

Because of rumors

I'd be ashamed to be you

Running

Sometimes, I wish I could run
I wish I could run so far and so fast
That you can't catch me, you won't last
The struggle to find me, you'll fall short
Because I'm merely a thief and you're,
Well you're stability, you want life without change
I need to travel, to run, to escape
I'm holding back my gypsy heart to stay where you need me
When I need to be free
I crave being discreet, I shy from the known
I like getting lost when I take the back roads
You love familiarity, and it scares me
We're so opposite, how can we fit together for long?
Sometimes, I resent you for giving me chains
For clipping my wings inside of this cage
As if I could have left anyway once I entered that door
It shut tight behind me, trapped forevermore
I had so many plans, go to the other side of the world
Finish college, study abroad,
Maybe even stay there, find true love
Create an alternative self, play foreign roles
Or just go sit at the Canyon and hang my legs over the edge
Maybe I'm just being depressed, I'm honestly not too sure
Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the raw truth of the matter
Either way, here are the dead facts:
I'm dying.

Waiting

I'm not sure what you're gonna say
Or if you'll even give me the time of day
But when I look back at your history
And how different you are to me
It hurts me, honestly
Am I being superficial? Because I
Can't even tell, I'm so tired
Of knowing you adored her
And half the time, you run for
Your life to get away from me
Did I do something wrong? I can't seem
To grasp what she has that I don't
I mean, come on, just throw me a bone
Is it that I'm too thin, too nice?
You haven't even read this and I'm walking on thin ice
I honestly feel like shit and you can't even see
Because it's like I'm invisible except when you're horny.
And yeah, I know you'll get pissed beyond belief
When you read this, you'll get angry with me
But it sure as hell beats crying because I'm stuck here
Looking at your wall, seeing her everywhere
All those lovey statuses you never write about me
Because I'm your secret whore, I can't be seen
I can't be on Facebook, I can't take pictures
I have to hide when people are over, like a murderer
Hiding from the FBI, what did I do?
Honestly, I'm just waiting for you..

The 100 Years' War

You wanna play dirty, let's see how this goes
Keep walking around like everyone knows
You're so innocent and I'm such a hypocrite
When I've tried my hardest to make myself perfect
I mean, let's face it, I've done more here
Than I've ever done in the past, and you can't even hear
Me speak my feelings, can't even think to ask
How I feel when you insult my body
My mind, my intelligence, I'm sorry
When did we stop trying out maturity?
Coulda sworn you'd told me you loved me
Yet I'm still getting blamed for every little thing?
It's not my fault you can't learn balancing
You can hate me all you want, hell, yell at me
Do it again, since that's all you've been doing
I'm not sure if you know what I'm saying,
But you're definition of love is fucked up
It's so messed up to love me one second and scream the next
And for what? Because of my friends?
I'm not defending you when they're speaking truth
You cheated, no trust here, and I do feel used
Not like you listen when I tell you this foolishness
But yeah, I don't like being at fault for every thing I do
I'm sorry I'm not a goddess incarnate, I only imitate perfection
And I suck at it, but hey, at least I can get your attention
True, it's the wrong one, but beggers can't really choose
It's okay, cuz if I get pregnant, I know it'll be from you
Because I haven't cheated, believe it or not
I'm the one who's been faithful, see what I've got?
It's called dignity, I learned my ways, I noticed it was wrong
Now you write on your wall I'm shit? Dude, so wrong
I've treated you like a god, some deity
When you've acted like I'm a skeleton, not worthy for your feet
But who tries to change a love when it's to be unconditional?
And who is so blind that they throw away traditional?
Honestly, you were perfect at the beginning of this shit
But now? You fuckin' terrify me, and I'm sick of it
When you get mad, hell yes I'll shut down
I'd rather not say anything when Hyde is around
Because you act like the father that left me, so angry
Full of rage, because of her, it can't be because of me
I mean, it could, but that's kind of impossible
Because throughout all this, whether you believe it, it's possible
That you haven't gotten over her, you still want her, and I'm nothing
Nothing more than a crutch to use when you need help to walk
Nothing more than a number to dial when you need someone to talk
Or a body to keep your bed warm on these depressing winter nights
You need someone to hold you close when everything falls apart tonight
But my heart, does it have any say in the matter?
You promised me that it would get better
Promise is broken, yet again
But I'm so tired of fighting a battle that's never gonna end

Kiss Me Goodbye

There's a fog over my eyes,
As your lips find their way to mine
And everything's perfect for the moment
The smoke extends to my body
Seems to happen alot, he
Is perfect for the moment,
But the moment crashes downward spiral
It's always better for a while
It's perfect in the moment..
But now the second, it's over,
I'm back to being a controller
For some dumb video game
You think it's okay to just
Waltz on my spirit like it's just
A plank on a bridge but it's not just
Something to be taken so lightly, so take away everything
I've worked so hard to be
Guess it's my stupidity that's brought me so low
Or my naivity that's showing you it's okay to be no one
You think I fucked him, okay, we'll see the truth in your reason
Steam escapes from my mouth as I struggle to breathe in
You take my breath away,
Just not in a good way
I did nothing wrong, but yet you yell for so long
You think I'm a shitty lady, say I'm a shady lady
But here I was throwing myself away
For you, I did everything
Defended you, everything
I forgave you, every time
Too scared to write the rhymes
Too terrified to write down the truth
'Cause I'm just so scared of you
But I know you can control me, use her against me
You see, this is killing me, to not write this down
Even though it can piss you off, I gotta write this down
I'm not sure I'm entirely in control
Of myself, you do that quite well,
Controlling my emotions, while unleashing yours
I just wish you could see that you hurt me with words
And I'm afraid of you half the time, when you mean to hurt
Because it kills my whole being, bits at a time,
And I don't know who I'll end up as, but kiss me goodbye.

I Can't Even Think, Yo

I can scream forever it seems
You still will never hear me
Your ears are sewn shut
While your mouth opens up
To place the blame on me
And everything I pretend to be
I can only do so much, actually
I can run a thousand circles
And still end up here
I can steal a thousand souls
And only want you near
Because I'm so tired of fighting
Always, constantly, a never-ending fight
And I still am the one at fault
But what all have all these souls bought
Nothing's doing me any good
I'm still stuck in this rut of obedient girl
And I miss being free, being the girl who I was
I love you so much, but you're controlling me
Your constant accusations about the cheating
The texts you must read, the calls you must check
The spying you do when I'm not in bed
Honestly, I'm being honest
I haven't seen another man
I have eyes for only you, don't you understand?
I want you, just you, and I'm sorry

It's A Miracle

I'm waiting for you to notice
I drink every day, it's
Not as entertainment, it's
To numb the pain, forget what he did, it's
Been haunting me ever since
That night, I just want you to care
This isn't who I was back there
This new me, I hate her too
Always has a drink in hand, you
Have yet to notice the juice
Mixed with vodka, you
Must be blinder than you used
To be, your eyesight must be failing you
Because Monster's not yellow
And I've never been mellow
Idiot, you can't hear me bellow
My need for help, though I scream
In my head
Out loud I said
"Help me now"
I can't even scream, this silence is so loud
I miss being at home in the cloud
I only came down because I saw your frown
Disappointment evident in your face
Yet you hurt me, forgot my name?
Who am I, love? Who is this?
This girl cowering under blankets like some pathetic bitch
Who can't even be honest for fear of your hits
You're breaking what's already broken
Saying things better left unspoken
As the ground sways
The alcohol blurs my days
Look at me, the girl you made
Burned, no one wants me
No one will believe me
You fucking killed me
And I'm not even dead
After everything you said,
It's a miracle, eh?

Everything But Us

So what am I supposed to do
When all I do is think of you?
And what am supposed to say
When all I want is for you to stay
But I know you're leaving and it kills me inside
Because I just want to stay just one more night
Do you remember that one day in September
When you said you'd always stay here in my heart
And I've forgiven, this life that I've been given
As long as you hold my hand as we sleep and never part

Let's just lie here under the stars
Let's just forget everything that we have to deal with it,
We'll deal with it tomorrow
Let's just lie here in the sky
And talk about our changing lives
Let's forget about everything,
Everything but us

You drove away today, you know
With the broken heart I'd always dealt with alone
Can't deal with this emptiness on my own

Let's just lie here under the stars
Let's forget everything that we have to deal with it,
We'll deal with it tomorrow
Let's just lie here in the sky
And talk about our changing lives
Let's forget about everyting,
Everything but us

Just forget everything,
Everything but us
Everything but us

Hayden James

Hayden James, it has a ring to it
It makes my heart jump just to hear it
Since I never got to hear your heart beat
This is as close as I'll ever get and I mean
I wish I could take it back, and I mean it
Because you did nothing to deserve that, and I
Had no right to take away a life I
Was given to care for
And I have love for you
And I don't even know who you are
But I know you're mine, and you are
Everything I've ever wanted
Mommy loves you so much more
Than she ever thought she could
And she's so sorry, baby
I miss you, Baby..
I stayed awake last night thinking of you
Imagining what you looked like, your hair
Your eyes, you had Daddy's
I just know it, because he has beautiful eyes
You had my attitude, and I'd regret it
Years down the road, when you wanted to grow up
And I wouldn't want to let go of you
You had my stubborn will, and you'd have me
And Daddy wrapped around your pinky
You had your Daddy's sweet demeanor
And you'd be his little boy, Hayden James
He always wanted a baby Hayden, you know
I wanted a baby boy, and I got you
I don't know what you were, and I wish I could
Because I'd sacrifice everything, I really would
I'd do everything a good mommy should
And I'm sorry, so sorry, that I didn't
I hope you can see me from your place in Heaven
I want you to read everything I'm writing
Maybe your grandpa can teach you how to read

I tried to come to you, Baby
I took the pills, I made the cuts
I wanted to be with you so badly
Because you're my version of heaven
And now that you're gone, I'm back in Hell
I'd do anything to come see you
Meet you
I wanna be with you, Baby
And I'm crying as I write this, because
I know you don't deserve this
But I'm so sorry, Darling, I'd take it back
If only I could, I guess God isn't gonna share
That must mean you're as perfect as I believe you to be
'Cuz everyone wants the beautiful people
And you're the most beautiful person I've ever known
Because you're my baby, my love
You're mine, and I love you, through everything
I love you, Hayden James.

Live In the Moment

So I was listening to some country song in gym class (when I was supposed to be participating in ultimate frisby), and it sparked a lyric in me: Live in the moment. So I wrote about it. Hopefully I'll actually live by my own words!

Sometimes I wake up and wanna lay back down

Sometimes I feel my world turn upside down, and I

Can’t tell my future from my thoughts from the past

And I just want to fall to the ground and lie there for as long as Heaven lasts

So I come to this place, where I feel safe, and I can dream

And I see that everything is exactly what I want it to be

So live in the moment and love who you are

You will never be in this place again, and you’ve come so far

You’ll never be more beautiful than you are now,

You’re so broken, but you’re perfect, so live in the moment

You go through the day, don’t need a brain to paste a smile

Don’t think twice, it’s your life, don’t need them for a while, and you

See that this ignorance makes you feel dead inside

But can’t you feel this burning, it’s burning you alive

So she goes home and lies there in the grass

And she thinks about the scars and everything in her past

She closed her eyes and pictured life as many times as

She could feel the fire, sick of the lies, so she sits there, she finds she has to

Live in the moment and love who you are

You’ll never be in this place again, and you’ve come so far

You’ll never be more beautiful than you are now

You’re so broken, but you’re perfect, so live in the moment

Just pause the clock, make it stop, just take some time to brush it off

Beauty is as beauty does and you are everything you’ll want,

Stepping stones on broken homes, shards of glass are bleeding me

Dry, so try to figure out the lies and find the truth to set me free

So live in the moment and love who you are

You’ll never be in the place again, and you’ve come so far

You’ll never be more beautiful than you are now

You’re so broken, but you’re perfect, so live in the moment.

Hey You! Thanks.

I liked you better as a memory
A ghost of the past, better let be
I controlled it, controlled the dreams
And told myself it was good for me
I drank it up, swallowed it down, see?
I cut it all open to watch myself bleed
The pills were right there, just within reach
And I can't resist this feeling
Because it's numb, and you're dead
And I can kill you for every word you said
You killed me, it's only fair to let me cut off your head
And drown it in the toilet, let it bleed all over your bed
You told me what I wanted to hear
Come here and make me fear
You again, you're losing your grip on me
Because I'm finally starting to wean
Myself from the alcoholic happy
I'm smiling again, because I can scream
At the world for just being me
And I can run around playing like a kid again
Because you're no longer here, again.
Thank you for making me strong, again

Five O'Clock Medicine

As he hands me another drink

I close my eyes and think,

What am I getting myself into?

So I grasp the bottle, going full throttle

Aiming to get drunk, hear the brain go THUNK

So I can block you out, tune you out

Keep you out of my head, 

Fill it emptiness instead of you

And this piece of the puzzle too

Sobriety is too hard, harder than steel

And I've lied, cheated, stolen for this

Have my flask filled with Texas, shot glass by my bed

I have my blade with memories lying next to my head

Cigarettes on the table, thought I'd be able to quit

But it messes with my mind, and I love it

I love this feeling I get, I get it

I understand the guilt, the shame

Since I always cringe when I hear your name

And I've never wanted this fame

Of being the one with the past, catching up fast

Falling down faster, deeper into holes

Who's gonna catch me? You? You told me

To run, run far away, in fact, I should have been gone yesterday

And so you hand me another bottle of my five o'clock remedy

Takes away the pain, brings back my smile again

It's all become a routine for me

Go out, get drunk, get high, high fives

Down low, too slow, passing out on the floor

It's okay, I've already been down that way

What more could happen that I haven't already seen?

As if they can take advantage of me

There's nothing to take advantage of, love

I've been broken, haven't been fixed

Except by my five o'clock medicine, mixed

With the three and the two o'clock feelings

It's a bad feeling, to be reeling, room's spinning

Round in circles, where'd the floor go?
You look so attractive with this newly found ego

And the buzz makes it go away, makes me forget

That no matter what I do, you still don't love me yet

And I'll never be worth more than a cent

Facing repercussions, I haven't caused it

So I drink

I drink it all up, feel it go down

Feel it burn as it turns my world upside down

Come lie with me, stranger, come make me feel numb

And bring with you the vodka as iced as the room

Taken out of a freezer colder than you if it's true

You're my lover, my medicine, my homemade recipe

So come to me, work for me, just help me sleep 

Frozen In Time

oppression

obsession

suppression

wondering how to run this recession

hearts cant run on depression any longer

sooner or later theyll all break down

suppressing the memories hidden in frowning smiles

and id walk a mile for eternity

to solve this puzzle i havent even seen

too massive, impressive

impressions run the world now here

cannot run from what cannot hide here

in the open, where the river is so wide

you cant see the red horizon

bloody tears fill the sky and i wonder:

how high can i fly til i breathe no longer?

spread my feathers, take flight in the water

shooting for the sun, to set fire to rebellious daughters

and lying sons, douse them in cold

set them on warm, and watch their molds melt

all around them, til there's only reality

and hope mixed with frailty

broken bones wrapped around their hearts made of not gold

but silver to keep them frozen in time.

Rehab, Soon.

I guess you're my new addiction
Because I have yet to quit you
And I know I need to
But I don't want to
I take a step away
The world starts to sway
Until I'm stepping right back
To you, I'm coming back
Every day and I hate it
Because I'm supposed to
Be done with the drugs like you
And I quit smoking, kinda
I don't smoke much so find a
New addiction since I put away
The blade and the
Weight
But wait
Why are you still here?
Every time I hear your voice
The alarms go off in my head, no choice
I have to leave, come crawling around
To where you left me on the ground
Because you're like my consort, and I'm the king
But whatever you do to your blood, you do also to me
'Cuz I drink from you to sustain myself
And you hate that I actually love someone else
But we lack lust, him and I
And that's what we only focused on in life
I don't need him like I need you
I want him, yes, I admit that's true
And without him, I'd be devastatingly blue
But you're the drug I'm still on
And I need some rehab, soon.

Suicidal Tendencies

Hearing your heart beat through

The walls surrounding your prison

I go delirious, I scream to let you out

Yelling at the preacher that you're okay

He can stop saying you're dead any day now

I can hear you whisper is anyone there?

It's so dark in here, can I come out there with you?

I'm sitting in the back of the church, 

And I only knew your name

And that you were sick, like me

But you were beautiful, like a goddess

Though I'm sitting so far away I can still hear you

I run to the front of the sanctuary

And pry at the casket

I know she's alive, hear me out

She's talking to me, listen

Looks of sympathy are all I can see

Besides the photo of you on a stand

And a brown wooden jail cell

That you're being forced to stay in

The bearers walk toward me slowly

They want to take me away from you

But I'm here to protect you

And I'm not leaving you

You would do the same for me

I snarl at the men like a wild dog

But it gets the message across to them

I break open the jail door and let you be free

But all I see is the shell of me

Thank God You Left

This life I chose for me was a rip-off
You always hold out a hand for a sip of
Blood from the cuts on my wrist
And pain drained from the bruise from your fist
We fight all the time and have never missed
You say you took the drugs to get a pretend bliss
But then you wake up and I’m still here
If you want me gone, let me hear
You say you don’t want me
And trust me, I’ll be glad to leave
I’ll crawl out the house with my skinned knees
And you slam the door right behind me
Yell at me to get outta your way
In fact, why didn’t I leave yesterday?
You say
I’m just a pain in your ass
But you still drop me on my ass
And hold my hand to keep me up
Tell me to shut up
Then tell me you don’t ever wanna leave me
‘Cause I’m the only one stupid enough to still be
Here, because you’re love is like a needle
And you always numb how I feel
And I know I’m an idiot for
Not walking out the door
But you always tell me
No one else will want me
Only you know how to treat
An ugly kid like me
When you hug me
You always say you need me
And people don’t understand us
Because they’ve never been in love
Or this hate, whatever we’ve been in
We’re caught in the circle, I never win
This game is distant memory
Habitually losing, you got the best of me
So I scream and try to fight
And it’s sad I don’t know if I’m even alive
Because I can’t even tell for sure
Because this love is a roller coaster
Escalating to the top
Suddenly a sudden drop
Hold my breath and hold your hands high
Til I can’t breathe and you’re satisfied

I’m starting to lose count of
All the thousand
Times you made me bleed
And you always feed
On my insecurities
And I’m sick of it
Sick of being the one to lift
You up when I’m the one that needs help
But you don’t see that far past yourself
And I can’t sleep
With any sanity
Because it left me
When I went with you
Chose you over truth
And you haven’t even noticed
I can’t even ask you to
‘Cause I can do it for you

And I’m fucking sick of apologizing
For crimes that you committed, time for realizing
You’re not the innocent one in the world of lies
You can stop pretending you don’t like to fight
I wear the marks
Of your dark
Side, hiding under makeup
Standing in the wake of
Your angry wave
And it’s too late to save
Someone that no one wants
Because you’re the only one that wants
Me anyway
And I can already hear you say
You’re sorry for what you said
You didn’t know what was going through your head
But you did, and you know it
You’re just too scared to show it
Because you know I’ll leave you
If you don’t get your head screwed
On, but you soften the blow
With a few sweet words and empty threats
You say that’s not even what you meant
But it is, and your excuses are just that-
Excuses are worthless in bloody battles

Try and keep me around
‘Cause you know you can bring me down
But you stab me in the back again
And I have to duck again
To avoid the slap coming toward my face
And you know you only have to face
Me, and you know you already won
But you don’t already know that you’re not the only one
‘Cause you said that we’d be together
And we should still last, because forever
Hasn’t ended, and you said you’d never
Leave me, as long as I stayed forever and ever
And I haven’t left yet, I’m still here waiting
Spending every moment contemplating
If this fight will last for a day or a week,
Because I can’t take no more, I’m getting weaker
It’s not fun any more to sit and watch you tweak
Because I’m not allowed
To be followed around
By the syringe
On the fringes
Of my vision, ‘cause it’s laying on the floor
And I can also see that you’ll bring home a whore
You know you’re not getting ass from me no more
‘Cause I’m already halfway out the door

Beauty, Defined

This is for the girl with the broken scale

Never telling the truth, just false tales

Adding numbers to her weight

Five pounds over, there's no way

She let it happen, she'd kept a good eye

On the digits that rule her life

This is for the girl who wishes for dreams

Always wanting to be beautiful, but she can't reach

Her goals when she thinks about giving up

Because of the pain, it's just too much

As the blade is drawn to her wrist

She ignores the voice resisting the risk

Beauty is seen as thin and no flaws

And covering gashes with a strip of gauze

Wishing for the fat to slide off your thighs

Soon you'll be too busy to even realize

Beauty isn't about pleasing everyone else

Beauty is just being true to yourself