Normally, I wouldn't write this. But I tend to heal better when I write things down, so here goes.
I move confidently through everything in life. I get stressed about bills, school, etc., but I know that I'll make it work. I'm a problem-solver, and I do what I need to do. But I do have a sore spot. You guessed it! Parenthood.
"But Brie, everyone has insecurities about being a mom! There's no handbook!"
Yeah, I know. Doesn't help. Let me explain.
My daughter is three years old. She's naughty. Like 'every other three year old' naughty. She screams, she throws things, she hits, and she definitely doesn't do what she's told. She acts up in restaurants, daycare, playgrounds, everywhere.
I put her in time-out, I scold; I spank her, I yell at her. Every parenting technique I can think of, I try. And none of it works. Why? Don't know. Why is she naughty? Don't know. But I'll tell you what I do know.
Every time I'm upset at my daughter, I'm really upset at myself. I have a very, and I mean VERY loud voice in my head constantly telling me that I'm a bad parent. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to help her or even help me. I don't know how to calm down, how to muster the energy to get off the couch and play with her. I don't know how to keep my house clean. I don't know how to bond with these beautiful children that I co-created!
When I yell 'SKYLAR MAXINE YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!' I'm actually yelling (internally) 'BRIE YOU SUCK AT BEING A MOTHER' or 'YOU KNOW THEY DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU' and it hurts, dude. I fought hard to get custody of my daughter, and spent almost a year fulfilling every obligation set by the state to get her back, and then I spent another six months trying to protect her from outside relatives. So why do I feel like such a failure?
My husband is a great man. I could not have found a better husband, or a better father. Everyone who meets him genuinely likes him. He's been around since my daughter was a baby, and from the second he moved in with us a few short months later, he's never, NEVER been anything less than the father she never had. He takes care of us, he loves us, and he puts up with my crazy with such a grace, it's a wonder he wasn't already married by the time I got my head on right. And he tries with me, God help him, he tries. He builds me up, he carries me when the depression gets too bad. He loves me in a way that I don't deserve, but I try my best to be worthy of it. So he's not a factor in this feeling at all, and he tries his best to help fix this, but it's not something anyone can fix but me. I just don't know how to do it.
I excel in school. I'm what my friends call 'book smart'. But I'd give it all up to have the relationship with my kids that my friends seem to. They seem to have it all together. They take their kids to the park, and they're so much better behaved than mine. They don't practically go hoarse yelling. They don't go to work solely to get away from their kids because they're so terrified of being home. On a daily schedule, I'm away from my kids from 10:30 AM til about 8:30 PM. At night, I pick them up from the babysitter, take my carpool girl home, and get them home and in bed. I stay up til one or two doing my homework, then the house wakes up around 9:00 AM. First thing we all do is eat breakfast before I get ready for work. But I feel like I don't know my loves, and they're starting to not know me either.
My son is one. When he was born, he had lip-tie, so he could not breastfeed. He had colic til he was five months old or so. He would scream and cry, and I would hold him and rock him and just try to quiet him down so he could sleep. I pumped breastmilk for 30 minutes every three hours to try and give him the best I could, and he would just keep screaming until my husband got home and did everything I had just tried. Then, my son would sleep. Now he's at it again, crying all day and only calming when he's finally asleep.
I'm just lost, is all. I need help. Just don't know how to do this, guys. I want to be a great mother, and I want my children to grow up to be wonderful, beautiful creatures. But I'm terrified, and I've been terrified since day one, that my kids will grow up and think my internal thoughts that they definitely deserved better.
