It's 2:00 in the Morning. Don't Judge Me.

I think out of everything you did
to ruin me, to hold me
to grasp me, to choke me
the thing i cannot forgive you for
is crushing my throat
my writing is my breath
and you stole it in my sleep
you forbade it
you forgave me
as long as i didnt write anymore
i forgot what to say
how to say it
how to word it
how to rhyme it
i forgot how to write about anything
besides our sick, fake love
and now they tell me i can't write either
but you all can see
im suffocating
you're choking me
writing is my outlet
and you dont want to see me without it

before writing i was a cutter
id slash marks into my arm like i was just butter
and i'd take too many pills just to end it
i took so many pills i almost did it
and then one day my high school counselor
put a pen in my hand and said 'write'
and i did
and i wrote, and i wrote, and i
went back the next day and she said
how did it go?
i said i feel free, liberated
like these scars are just obliterated
i can breathe again you found my lungs
and i can never thank you enough
and she smiled and told me to go write
so i did

i wrote through breakups, makeups
friendships, death
a miscarriage, depression,
alcoholism, suicide attempts
i wrote through it all
and i came out stronger
and i came out with my fingers
and a pen
because that's all i need

so when you took that ability away
you took my coping away
you made me suffer alone
in my sea of misery
and ill never forgive you for that
two long years with no writing
unless it was i love you
no hidden poems in my mattress
no secret lyrics in my bathroom
nothing to let me let it out
so i died
i died so many times in that small time frame
so many times

and now im supposed to bet distraught
im supposed to be in agony
because of what you did to me
but instead i just dont feel a thing
which means i cant write a damn thing
and i hate you for doing this to me

Island

I was told I'm heartless
And I said sure cuz I dont know where my heart is
I feel next to nothing
for everything
it's my animalistic tendencies
i swear I'm being driven by instinct
i think i lost my humanity
the moment you penetrated me
i can tune out the world
and not let anyone in
i can build up my walls
so high that they'll never fall
i just need physical contact
and to know that someone wants me
i need the power
i need to know that I'M in control
that I can cut the cord
severing the tie between us
and by feeling no emotion
i cant get hurt
and sky won't get hurt
and be rest assured
that i am a rock
i am an island
cuz a rock never feels pain
and an island never cries

Scream

It’s a sad day in hell when I fear you

You, who were supposed to

Help me, protect me, love me

You promised forever, and though we fight

I was never supposed to have nightmares

When you stay over

I could’ve told you

You’re a monster

A monster we gave life to

A demon we gave a right to

Invade me in such a way

I never meant for this to happen

Then again, we never do

I shouldn’t be so scared to fight

Especially with you

I cringe when you glare at me

Solely out of fear

Because once you get the gleam in the eye

I know the monster’s here

And I scream

I hope someone hears me

I hope you break my neck

I hope you’re able to stop yourself

Because I know what’s next

And I scream

My body’s being invaded

And you’re getting off to it

And it scares the shit out of me

Who are you?

You tell me I have one last chance

To change my mind, to agree

To whatever your side is during this argument

At the slightest hesitation, the monster ignites

The fire, and holy shit, does it burn bright.

And I scream

The feeling of you entering

Is making me tear up now

I remember the pain

The horror, the begging

The pleading, and most of all,

The screaming

You tell me, “Stop crying. Now”

And I try

But every thrust puts me further into oblivion

And I look for a weapon

I reach for a bottle

You catch on too quickly, grab it from my hand

And I just made this worse

I tell you I’ll do whatever you want

You tell me you’re gonna get it anyway

I cry and say, “Please, baby. This isn’t love.”

You tell me I made you this way.

I try to fight back but you’re stronger than me

I picture my baby, and think of my mother

And it makes me cry

And I scream

I scream for the injustice being done to my body

I scream for the man I know to defeat the monster

Or if he’s already dead, I mourn him

I scream for the rage I’d feel for my daughter

If she ever had a man like you

I scream for the shame you make me feel

I scream for the pain I feel as you enjoy this

I scream for my mother, because she’s too weak

To be able to handle what’s going on

So I scream

And I wish you’d just leave

I wish I could get help

But I’m still so damn scared

And it’s ruining my life

I just want to be happy

I think I've deserved it

And I can’t be happy with a monster

I’m tired of screaming

I’m living in a constant fear

I dread you walking into the door

I shut up when you disagree with me

I do what you say, and I play it safe

Because I don’t have the energy to scream

I’ve found someone who could make me happy

And I’m terrified to tell you

I think we might have a future now

I hope

But if not, that’s okay

Because he’s not you

He’s not a monster

And I don’t have to scream.

Random Ramblings: Warm-Up

This is literally a warm-up, as it's been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write. This doesn't pertain to life at all, it just puts me in the mood. Calm yourselves, I'm not crazy.

Sitting down crying,

Wondering if I can even do this

Am I even strong enough to endure this?

Am I capable of coping with not one, but more?
More sins of yours seeping up through my floor?

I don't even remember what purity looks like

Much less what it feels like

I tried escaping, once long ago

I took half a bottle, and bled to add to it

I remember the look on my companion's face

When he saw my arm as we laid in bed

I remember the way my mother looked at me

It was a pathetic pity, only adding to my hopelessness

I remember the way I looked at myself in the mirror

Disgusted, outraged

I still think of simpler days

When I had a moment of silence

And wrote a poem a second

I had so much potential

And I wasted it on you

On your broken promises

On all your lies

Your eyes told me the truth, if I'd only looked

I was too in love, too willing to die

For a man who would kill me to live

Kiss Me Goodbye

There's a fog over my eyes,
As your lips find their way to mine
And everything's perfect for the moment
The smoke extends to my body
Seems to happen alot, he
Is perfect for the moment,
But the moment crashes downward spiral
It's always better for a while
It's perfect in the moment..
But now the second, it's over,
I'm back to being a controller
For some dumb video game
You think it's okay to just
Waltz on my spirit like it's just
A plank on a bridge but it's not just
Something to be taken so lightly, so take away everything
I've worked so hard to be
Guess it's my stupidity that's brought me so low
Or my naivity that's showing you it's okay to be no one
You think I fucked him, okay, we'll see the truth in your reason
Steam escapes from my mouth as I struggle to breathe in
You take my breath away,
Just not in a good way
I did nothing wrong, but yet you yell for so long
You think I'm a shitty lady, say I'm a shady lady
But here I was throwing myself away
For you, I did everything
Defended you, everything
I forgave you, every time
Too scared to write the rhymes
Too terrified to write down the truth
'Cause I'm just so scared of you
But I know you can control me, use her against me
You see, this is killing me, to not write this down
Even though it can piss you off, I gotta write this down
I'm not sure I'm entirely in control
Of myself, you do that quite well,
Controlling my emotions, while unleashing yours
I just wish you could see that you hurt me with words
And I'm afraid of you half the time, when you mean to hurt
Because it kills my whole being, bits at a time,
And I don't know who I'll end up as, but kiss me goodbye.

You Need to Leave

Liar, liar, pants on fire
As you choke me, your grip gets tighter
You mock me, thought I was a fighter
So you burn me with my own lighter
I'll through  this, I might or
Might not, doesn't exactly matter to you if I fight or
Not, you got what you came for
And if beauty's a gift, take it back
Because beauty equals men and
Men equals strength and
Strength equals rape and
Rape equals pain
I didn't want this, didn't sign up for this
In fact, I still have scars on my wrist
From when I clenched you pen in my fist
And the tip, it cut me, drew my blood
As it fell into the mud
I'd created with my own tears
Because I've loved you for all these years
And held your hand when you felt fear
Yet you still hold me here
And all I want is to leave you
But I'm honestly too scared to
You hurt me again, so who's to say
You'll be any different than yesterday
I've learned myself that those you change
Are just the same person with a new name
I would rather suffer in silence
Not letting you know how much your violence
Scares me, there's not way you'd understand
Because I can't put this into writing
All I know if I'm sick of fighting
When will the ground rise to me
Instead of me falling on my knees?
When will I eat from the tree
Of deadly poison and be let free?
Freedom's all I want, you see
To look around and find no enemies
So you need to leave
Because you're the one thing haunting me

Done With Brie

As soon as I remember, I want to forget
Hand me the whiskey, so that I can numb it
I want to pretend it
Never happened, though it haunts me
Claw out my eyes, Hayley
So I can't see
This memory
Stuck in my ind
The one thing that was mine
I'm sick of crying
Tearing open my heart to tear him out
Beatrayed me, he raped me
There, I said it
Now can I forget it?
Always denying it, can't be me
Must've been the whore called Brie
You know, she lives inside me
Kinda like she's a part of me
But I want her away, she
Gives me a bad reputation, she
Calls it rape to deal with it, I
Want him back, but he
Dosn't like Brie, he's
Done with me..

It's A Miracle

I'm waiting for you to notice
I drink every day, it's
Not as entertainment, it's
To numb the pain, forget what he did, it's
Been haunting me ever since
That night, I just want you to care
This isn't who I was back there
This new me, I hate her too
Always has a drink in hand, you
Have yet to notice the juice
Mixed with vodka, you
Must be blinder than you used
To be, your eyesight must be failing you
Because Monster's not yellow
And I've never been mellow
Idiot, you can't hear me bellow
My need for help, though I scream
In my head
Out loud I said
"Help me now"
I can't even scream, this silence is so loud
I miss being at home in the cloud
I only came down because I saw your frown
Disappointment evident in your face
Yet you hurt me, forgot my name?
Who am I, love? Who is this?
This girl cowering under blankets like some pathetic bitch
Who can't even be honest for fear of your hits
You're breaking what's already broken
Saying things better left unspoken
As the ground sways
The alcohol blurs my days
Look at me, the girl you made
Burned, no one wants me
No one will believe me
You fucking killed me
And I'm not even dead
After everything you said,
It's a miracle, eh?

I'm Fine.

I have died every second I've been alive
Every minute I breathe, I wish I had died
Every time I wake up, I want to sleep again
And dream of you before the truth shows its face again
I live in the dark because you put me here
You used me, left me, now refuse to hear me speak
Well I'm speaking out to myself, right here, right now
I know well by now I'm not worth your affection
Or anyone's, but hey, at least they aren't paying any attention
At least I can disappear in a different direction
No one notices a shadow girl, slowly dying
Now one hears me in my world, silently crying
I can starve all my lonesome self
I don't even need your help
You broke me, hurt me
Raped me, killed me
But I can't die again, I'm the undead
I am inside the words that you said
I am the memory burning inside your head
And I hate you with each passing breath
But I love you at the same time
And I'll lie on my back and pretend it's all fine
I'll look at Death's eyes and you'll look at mine
And see the nothing that reflects my soul
Empty, broken, missing; you stole
My spirit, the fire in my eyes
It burned so hot, but I didn't set fire
Except with my blade, my only desire
Is to feel, to know if I'm dead yet
Or if I can drink enough to forget
Can I take enough pills to be numb to what I let
Happen? And what about the food I reject?
And the little I eat but then go and vomit?
Or the nights where I sit in the dirt
Crying, replaying the times you hurt me
I get I'm not beautiful, okay?
I get that I'm hideous, every day
I understand I need makeup to cover what I say
I need to stick to my lies
I never cry
I don't need you, I'm fine
I'm fine.

Too Far Away

I'll fall asleep tonight and dream of you
Think of how I loved everything about you
How you made me feel alive
And how I feel now that you've died
But at least you'll always be in my head
And I'll replay every word you said

And I'll see you in my midnight memories
Always calling you with the heart you gave me
I don't even mind that it's not real
I don't care if you don't feel anything, everything
Is possible in my dreams

I put some roses on your imaginary grave
And I stood there and thought about how I wish I could save you
Though you're gone, I'll pretend you'd never leave
Though you left, I can pretend you're as perfect as in my dreams

You're only a dream away
Close enough to love, far enough to feel
Long enough to miss, far enough to heal
You're much too far away

Cry of the Abused

So this is love, mmmm, so this is what I've always dreamed of
So why does it hurt me?
Why does it sting?
As the sound of impact starts resonating
As my face turns red
As you pull away your hand
You've left your mark on me again
And I'm running out of lies again
You can only fall so much
To get injuries as displayed as such
I can't imagine a life without you
So I stay, though I know it won't be any good, get better
Because every word I say turns into a bunch of letters
Every torn T-shirt lying on the floor
Every alcoholic beverage, I've always wanted more
You're nicer when you're drinking
Probably because you're not thinking
And that means I can easily lie
That I love only you forever, and you love only me
And you're done hitting me
Though I know you're not, I like to pretend
That really, all of this is about to end
Is it finished yet, have I bruised enough?
They say I love you, well, too much
That I don't deserve this, but they don't see
How your marks are merely playing with me
This is how you show you love me
I'll suffer through a couple scars
Couple bruises, becase scars
Are nothing in comparison to
Lying with you at night, next to you
Arms around me, you hold me so tightly
Kiss my neck, kiss me lightly
We boasted love for so many years
And I have loved you for a thousand years
And I've been here to fight your fears
But I fear you
I've never been frightened of you
Yet I cringe when you
Raise your hand, I fear when you
Come near, and that scares me even more