Grace

You watched as I fell
You laughed when I cried
You twisted stories to tell
A bunch of bullshit and lies
You insulted me at every turn
Pretended the cuts weren't there
Looked away from every burn
Acted as if my sins were bare
You ran from the truth
And said I was wrong
You knew it was you
Who had made me this strong
You aimed at me your fear of love
And projected forth your pain
But I knew what family was made of
And I pulled to strain
The tightly wound string running toward
The gassed-up fire that would burn
The past so I can move forward
And let real fate take its turn
At trying to make a brand new face
Stream out from beyond the grave
Where my ashes lay in eternal grace

Why do I hate being here?

Hmm... Let us ponder that question. First off, I hate being controlled. You control me, I rebel. Need I say more? Skulls are NOT evil. They are the bones that make up your head. Peace signs are NOT broken-down crosses. They are just random lines in a circle. The word 'ass' is not a cuss word. It is merely a man-made word people choose to take offensively. Second, self-expression is not entirely rebellious. I do not ask for drugs, I don't go around tattooing my body. I just want to dye my hair. If that makes me an attention whore, then I guess Mom's an attention whore too. Thirdly, I do mess up. I am not perfect, nor will I ever claim to be perfect. Therefore, stop acting like you're better than me just because you have different beliefs than me. Not everyone is a radical Christian. Some people just have a hard time trusting 'our Father' because our fathers have been terrible fathers. Just because I wear shorter shorts than you would like does NOT mean I want to grab the attention of every horny guy out there. Nor does it mean that I want to show off my body for more attention. You should be happy I even have the self-confidence to wear something besides huge clothes that don't fit me. You should be rejoicing that I'm eating once again. You should be apologizing for not noticing I was dying inside. That I would go to my room and cut my wrists, my neck. You shouldn't be condemning me because I've had an immoral relationship. Yes, 'Mom', I messed up. I am not a little five year old innocent child. I've seen the world. I've seen the dark side of families. And you can only blame yourself for that.If you'd paid attention at night, I wouldn't have learned how to smoke a cigarette, how to steal a car. Had you not shipped me to Cono, I wouldn't know what a real family feels like. I wouldn't know how to accept love from parental figures-especially a fatherly one. Had you not lied to the police and said I threatened your life, I wouldn't have gotten the relationship with my biological family I now have. I wouldn't have known my great-uncle. I wouldn't have met my father. Finally, if not for your filthy lies, I wouldn't know what it's like to feel homeless. I wouldn't know what it feels like to make somewhere home, then be shipped off to another psych ward in six hours. I wouldn't know how evil the world is; how a five foot tall thirteen year old can stab someone trying to help him. I wouldn't have learned to fight, had it not been for your belief to let us work it out on our own. I would have learned to control my temper had you talked to me about it rather than damn me to Hell for it. I would still believe sex to be an immediate damnation. I would still think all families were fucked up in every way. That the word 'family' is just a name for a group of strangers in the same house. If not for you, I would still be your baby girl. But I'm not. It's time to live with that. And until you let the ghost of me go, I won't be able to tolerate you any more than possible.

The Rejected

You say God isn't distant
He's always here in front of me
But why can I not feel him or see?
I don't like being this intimate
I said I believed because I do
But I liked it better when you were high
In the heavens and didn't see me pass by
I'm not sure I like this newly discovered you
See, my life is full of traitors
Secrets mean gossip and emotions are dead
I keep my real feelings inside my head
And I don't let them out for fear of hatred
I don't like that you can find me
When I don't want to be found
When I don't want to be around
When I just want you to let me be
I can't accept something
That's always within reach
Love given freely?
You've gotta be kidding me
That's too much to handle
For someone who's sworn off unconditional love
For something read of in a book, from above
But not real, I don't understand
I won't let you in
Can't let you win
I will shut you out of my head
Until the moment my heart is dead
I can't let myself be open
To the idea of a loving
Person who knows everything
And still wants to be with me
I'm sorry, God, whoever you are
I can't be around you if you don't love me only from afar