So, I went to camp this past week. Church camp. Funny picture, huh? But I went, and I did all the actions. You know, all the things you're supposed to do at church camp. But this year, I did something different. I was dead honest. I was up front in saying to one of the girls in my cabin that I want nothing to do with someone who says they want me. Once someone says anything about being beautiful or wanting me or (worse yet) loving me, I automatically want to run the opposite way. Amazingly, no matter how many times I run from James, he always just patiently waits for me to come back. It's like I leave him (both in a relationship and my analogy) just to prove that I don't need him, that he mean nothing to me. Because let's face it: I have some serious pride! But he just stands there, saying nothing, waiting for me to come back. And he doesn't get mad at me for leaving in the first place. (Hey babe, if you're reading this, sometime you have to let me know how you get that kind of patience. I'd have killed you by now.) Anyway, the entire James situation makes me wonder if that's what God is like. Not saying I'm going all Bible Thumper on everyone here. I'm just pondering, because that's what I do. All the girls (and awkwardly dancing guys) were seriously crazy about this deity they can't even see. They can't go running into this dude's arms when they need someone to hold because they're so tired of holding themselves up. They just keep rereading this book, right? The Bible. I'm a HUGE reader. I read the Ellen Hopkins books (Crank, Burned, you know those books. If you don't, then get the hell off my blog until you read at least Crank) so many times it's crazy. When I feel the impulse to cut or OD, I read Impulse. When I get desperate for money and even consider prostitution (don't hate unless you're me), I read Tricks. And when drugs become a part of my life again, I read the Crank trilogy. When I get sick of religion being shoved in my face, I read Burned. The list goes on. Anyway, even though I go to these books when I need answers, I don't expect those answers to be on the page. I just need to know someone has been in my situation, even if they're a fictional character (or mostly real). But these Christians, these Christ followers, they actually fascinate me. No, I don't mean my dad or my pastor or even any member of my circle of friends. I mean the ones at Hidden Acres. They're so...on fire. It's crazy. Not sure if it's a bad crazy or a good crazy though. But these Christians don't have those physical arms to run to like I do with James. And if you don't already know, I'm more into physical relationships. If you haven't yet, read Lust, Love, and Sex..found somewhere on my blog! I can't imagine, can't fathom, a relationship with something so distant. I have friends in distant relationships, NEVER works out. (Except with Chloe and Ethan...they work.) I'm a cheater. I won't lie. I can't stay 100% faithful to save my life. I'm going to do better, though. Promise. Anyway, relationships terrify me. And the fact that this god of theirs, this Jesus dude, wants me scares the living hell outta me! Like, last time someone wanted me..well we all know how that ended. And I don't want someone to want me. I'm so used to being unwanted that someone wanting me makes me not want them! Wow, lot of 'wants' in that sentence. Anywho, the fact that these Christians don't have a physical hug from their god, yet they always (yes, always!) go on about 'feeling God's presence' and stuff is ridiculous. Their hug is a verse in the Bible. Weird, huh? Anyway, I'm running on five hours of sleep and James bought me Sim Medieval for our monthaversary. Oh, and if you happen to see him and didn't already say happy birthday, say it. Or I'll most likely make you feel bad. I'm gonna go bye-bye now.
Peace!
Peace!
