It's 2:00 in the Morning. Don't Judge Me.

I think out of everything you did
to ruin me, to hold me
to grasp me, to choke me
the thing i cannot forgive you for
is crushing my throat
my writing is my breath
and you stole it in my sleep
you forbade it
you forgave me
as long as i didnt write anymore
i forgot what to say
how to say it
how to word it
how to rhyme it
i forgot how to write about anything
besides our sick, fake love
and now they tell me i can't write either
but you all can see
im suffocating
you're choking me
writing is my outlet
and you dont want to see me without it

before writing i was a cutter
id slash marks into my arm like i was just butter
and i'd take too many pills just to end it
i took so many pills i almost did it
and then one day my high school counselor
put a pen in my hand and said 'write'
and i did
and i wrote, and i wrote, and i
went back the next day and she said
how did it go?
i said i feel free, liberated
like these scars are just obliterated
i can breathe again you found my lungs
and i can never thank you enough
and she smiled and told me to go write
so i did

i wrote through breakups, makeups
friendships, death
a miscarriage, depression,
alcoholism, suicide attempts
i wrote through it all
and i came out stronger
and i came out with my fingers
and a pen
because that's all i need

so when you took that ability away
you took my coping away
you made me suffer alone
in my sea of misery
and ill never forgive you for that
two long years with no writing
unless it was i love you
no hidden poems in my mattress
no secret lyrics in my bathroom
nothing to let me let it out
so i died
i died so many times in that small time frame
so many times

and now im supposed to bet distraught
im supposed to be in agony
because of what you did to me
but instead i just dont feel a thing
which means i cant write a damn thing
and i hate you for doing this to me

The Fight

I'm running toward the river
And I'm trying to jump in
Because I've hit rock bottom, love
And I forgot how to swim
I just want it all to be over
Someone wake me up from this
But I guess it doesn't matter
I can't sleep anyway
I just want to make it better
I want to take away your pain
But every time I look at you I know
That I'm the reason you're in this game
The lies, the deceit, I wish I hadn't lived
If I'd done it right the first time...
Only memories, go to sleep love
Let me rub your back
Let me kiss your head and your cheeks
And your hands and your feet
Let me erase the last few months
Let's go back to being us
Just our mother/daughter team
I didn't need anyone else
But now you're gone, and I might lose you
And it terrifies me, please distract me
Vodka, where are you?
I need your kiss tonight
I need to be held
Just tell me it's alright
I need to feel beautiful again
Like I'm worth something again
Like my life means something again
Because without her, I mean less
Than her father, my rapist, he said it best
'You need to let her go
You don't deserve her, love'
But a part of me, deep down
Knows I went through hell and back
And I deserve my baby
But my body walks away
Right toward the bottle, the sex, the blade
Right toward everything the Devil ever made
My head tells me to go down the street, not across
My heart tells me I need to fight for her
My body just wants to be numb
I want to be numb
Love hurts, every time.

Island

I was told I'm heartless
And I said sure cuz I dont know where my heart is
I feel next to nothing
for everything
it's my animalistic tendencies
i swear I'm being driven by instinct
i think i lost my humanity
the moment you penetrated me
i can tune out the world
and not let anyone in
i can build up my walls
so high that they'll never fall
i just need physical contact
and to know that someone wants me
i need the power
i need to know that I'M in control
that I can cut the cord
severing the tie between us
and by feeling no emotion
i cant get hurt
and sky won't get hurt
and be rest assured
that i am a rock
i am an island
cuz a rock never feels pain
and an island never cries

Scream

It’s a sad day in hell when I fear you

You, who were supposed to

Help me, protect me, love me

You promised forever, and though we fight

I was never supposed to have nightmares

When you stay over

I could’ve told you

You’re a monster

A monster we gave life to

A demon we gave a right to

Invade me in such a way

I never meant for this to happen

Then again, we never do

I shouldn’t be so scared to fight

Especially with you

I cringe when you glare at me

Solely out of fear

Because once you get the gleam in the eye

I know the monster’s here

And I scream

I hope someone hears me

I hope you break my neck

I hope you’re able to stop yourself

Because I know what’s next

And I scream

My body’s being invaded

And you’re getting off to it

And it scares the shit out of me

Who are you?

You tell me I have one last chance

To change my mind, to agree

To whatever your side is during this argument

At the slightest hesitation, the monster ignites

The fire, and holy shit, does it burn bright.

And I scream

The feeling of you entering

Is making me tear up now

I remember the pain

The horror, the begging

The pleading, and most of all,

The screaming

You tell me, “Stop crying. Now”

And I try

But every thrust puts me further into oblivion

And I look for a weapon

I reach for a bottle

You catch on too quickly, grab it from my hand

And I just made this worse

I tell you I’ll do whatever you want

You tell me you’re gonna get it anyway

I cry and say, “Please, baby. This isn’t love.”

You tell me I made you this way.

I try to fight back but you’re stronger than me

I picture my baby, and think of my mother

And it makes me cry

And I scream

I scream for the injustice being done to my body

I scream for the man I know to defeat the monster

Or if he’s already dead, I mourn him

I scream for the rage I’d feel for my daughter

If she ever had a man like you

I scream for the shame you make me feel

I scream for the pain I feel as you enjoy this

I scream for my mother, because she’s too weak

To be able to handle what’s going on

So I scream

And I wish you’d just leave

I wish I could get help

But I’m still so damn scared

And it’s ruining my life

I just want to be happy

I think I've deserved it

And I can’t be happy with a monster

I’m tired of screaming

I’m living in a constant fear

I dread you walking into the door

I shut up when you disagree with me

I do what you say, and I play it safe

Because I don’t have the energy to scream

I’ve found someone who could make me happy

And I’m terrified to tell you

I think we might have a future now

I hope

But if not, that’s okay

Because he’s not you

He’s not a monster

And I don’t have to scream.