Fire

I'm sorry if I seem distant
It's all a mask, I swear
It's not the real me, I'm not the same
Girl as I am in this place
I'm more outgoing
Kind
Funny
Happy
But this place, this room,
This building corrupts me
Making me go insane from the
Inside out
Crazy
Anger
Hatred
The scars on my arms glow in
My darkness, never ceasing
The fire in my eyes gets angrier
It's hotter
Wilder
This fire's out of control
Help..

Never Ending Friendship

I can no longer hide my face
When all I see is anger and hate

What you expect me to be is not what I am
Those footprints you see right there in the sand

Are not mine, nor will they be
No matter how you beg and plead

The path you took is your own fault
I did nothing to encourage your fall

You rejected my help, said you were able
To do it yourself, then why aren't you capable

Why do you come, begging for help?
Because just last week you were sure of yourself

Said you were strong, you could take on the world
Said not even I could stop the rebuttal

But you failed, you fell
Faster
Faster
Faster yet

But I'm not helping you this time
This time you're not mine

Not my responsibility, not anymore
Do you need help finding your way to the door?

You can leave anytime, preferably now
Before I kick you out of my house

Goodbye, little monster, hypocritical friend
There goes the friendship that never ends..

On my vacation, my family went to Florida. Since we drove 1500+ miles, I had plenty of time to think, which I took advantage of. I came to the conclusion that I really do hate myself. I say I hate so many people, when I just want to die. It'd make my family's life so much easier, less dramatic, less chaotic.
I constantly tell myself the words I feel I need to hear.. You're so fat; just one cut; go find your damn pills and just make everyone happy! The sad part is, I listen to this voice. I can't live without this voice in my head insulting me, accusing me, day and night. I can't give myself a moment's peace for fear that I'll be happy and ruin something good.
I rather like being by myself, just me and my psychotic voice. It gives me a chance to come up with more insults more things about myself that I hate. Trust me, there are quite a few. My weight, body, attitude, looks, past, present, future. Everything, to be honest. When I really feel like a failure, I tell myself exactly what I will probably end up being when I grow up. A druggie. Just like my old man, as I used to say. Like father, like daughter.
I guess the whole point of my letting my blog know who my worst enemy is is to explain my behavior. Thanks for reading.

These are the only pictures I have of my 'addiction'...I don't usually show them off, but I try to be honest on my blog

If You Really Knew Me

If you really knew me, you'd know I feel awkward and ugly in comparison to Hayley. You would know that my biggest fear isn't spiders, it's being alone. I don't ever want to be alone, no matter what I say. If you really knew me, you'd have more patience. You would know that I only try in school so my parents might actually decide I'm worthy of being called their daughter. You would know how badly I want to escape, to run away forever.
If you really saw me, you'd see my bones poking through my skin. You'd notice that I get weaker and skinner every week. You'd notice that I don't eat half the food I put on my tray. You might see that I refused my favorite food. If you really saw me, you'd wonder why I wear knee-highs in gym and when I wear shorts. You might notice the dark circles under my eyes. If you looked, you would see that my eyes look glazed. You might ask about it, if you really looked.
If you didn't just hear the words that I say, but actually listened as well, you'd notice the life in my voice isn't as vibrant as it used to be. You'd hear the difference between what I sound like now compared to before. You might hear the pleading in my words. Maybe, just maybe, you'd hear my cry for help. You might hear the depressed tone, the dead humor.
If you really cared, you'd do something.