Randomness

Thank God you won't receive this
I hope you never read this
Because I know you won't believe this
Though I'm not the only one that sees this

I'm not the girl you wish I was
I'm not the girl I thought I was
I'm probably what they said I was
The bitch I used to say I was

You thought I was perfect once
I believed it to be true once
But I know now I never was
What you thought I was

Freedom With A Price

I feel as if I should throw a fit and scream and cry
And then I realize it's a waste of time
It won't make you return, just push you away
But now I don't care, as long as you'll say
You didn't mean it, you still want me back
You'll mend the stitches on my heart, fill the cracks
You'll kiss my tears away, jump over my wall
That you once knocked down; you once made fall
You'll storm up the steps with anger in your eyes
Anger at yourself, for making me cry
You'll plead with me, "Please open the door
I didn't mean what I said, I didn't mean it before
I will stand here and fight for you like I know you wish I would
And I won't let you go, though I know I should
I take it all back, every mistake I ever made
I'll never control you, let yourself fade
I'll let you be free
To do what you please
And when you don't like what you see
You can come back to me
You can cry on my shoulder, I swear I won't leave
I'll stay right here and let you be
You..

Better

he says he loves me

and maybe he means it

but maybe he doesn't

maybe he wants to sleep with me
the body he envisions to be me
the supermodel face plastered to mine
the bikini model shape

maybe he wants a gullible child
a naive girl with no sense
a girl he can hold on to
a girl that needs him

maybe he wants the lustful whore
he thinks most women are
but he says im the exception
am i?

am i better than all the others
all the girls he's known and loved?
am i prettier?
smarter?
easier?
should i accept this attention
these compliments?
should i shove him away like i do all the others
or play with him, like a toy soldier
maybe i should give in to him
the candy aisle calling my name
brenna...brenna...brenna...

Shining Armor

I'm stuck here alone when I want you here

But I cannot find you though it's been years

Your aura has changed to a dull gray

Instead of the vibrant red you were that day

When we met I could feel you under my skin

And though I was young, I wanted to let you in

You knocked down my fortress with your passionate words

You strode up my staircase with no thought to your wounds

My guard had riddled you with bullets and fire

But nothing could keep you from your loving desire

You knew where I lay in my untroubled sleep

Growing cold from years of feigned love, counting sheep

You slayed my mighty dragon, killed with his own flame

The fire in your eyes, to me, did the same

You were the one I woke up to

The face I knew

I memorized your scars in the heat of our love

During our passion I knew you were enough

I could lay next to you and feel no shame

Though I hated my body, you placed no blame

My weight was perfect, my cuts were real

You knew my worst fear, you'd know how I feel

Your love never strayed from one day to the next

Though my eyes were averted every year at best

I could not stay faithful, one hundred percent true

I only looked, didn't touch, but I knew it hurt you

I could not fathom why you acted that way

Why you cringed when I'd be gone for a day

You knew where I lied, where I told the truth

You knew I was in love, but you didn't know it was with you.

Love?

How am I to learn to love
When no one's taught me?
You all walked away when I needed you the most
Without looking back, feeling remorse

The dad who walked out of my life without a word
Never calling, writing, giving me a clue
Of his name, his life, himself

The mother who gave me up
And has yet to tell me the truth about my childhood
Why she let me go

The brothers who refuse to love me
After the lies and deceit
Blaming me for mistakes not my own

The sister who alienates me
Loves only conditionally
When it suits her

And the friend who's my friend
When I'm with my ex-boyfriend
When we're "happily in love"

Whatever love means
Whatever happiness is
Whatever friendship is
Whatever you are
Whatever I am.