If I went to sleep tonight and never woke up,
What would you do?
Say I took that final overdose and ended my existence
And stopped the pulse that keeps me alive
If I called you and said goodbye
Right now
Then shot myself without hanging up
Would you even cry at the funeral?
Would you say you were sorry I was that selfish that I would break my family's heart?
Or would you look through my secrets to try to learn the truth?
If I told you one last time that I wanted to die, would you continue to blow it off?
Or would you take me seriously?
Would you call me and refuse to leave me alone until I tell you what happened?
Or would you text, "I'm sorry," to me?
If you called me right now, would you be able to tell I'm crying?
Would you let me cry without hanging up on me?
Only to interrupt to say you love me and who cares what he says anyway?
Would you jump in your car to come comfort me, dry my tears?
Or would you tell me you wish you could, you really do, but you cant?
You just can't.
If I called you, would you answer?
Any time of the night?
Would you tell me to stop being so down and depressing, or would you listen to me?
Are you able to see the cuts without actually being here to see them?
Or do you really think I wouldn't lie to you?
If I said goodbye, would you worry?
Or figure I'm just giving you bullshit?
I'm just kidding, duh!
I'd never take my own life!
I'm not like that.
I mean, HELLO?!, it's Brenna!!
Guess what?
Goodbye.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Oh, the Joy of Rage
So, today is Valentine's Day. And what a day it's been! First, I wake up and use my new makeup so I can look somewhat pretty for any random pictures. Then the doorbell rings and James walks in with a white teddy bear. How cute!
After school, James and I wanted to watch some movies that we rented Saturday. But Jim had decided otherwise. He wanted us to go to a farm and open bread for the farmer to feed to his deer. Let's just say I got angry.
While in my rage, I had a rational thought. I noticed something about my sisters and I that I'd never noticed before in my entire life. I suddenly realized a pattern in my sisters' reactions when things don't go our way.
Betrenna reacts by using the guilt trip. She cries until she gets her way, and she can cry a lot. She'll say how stressed she is and how we just make her life a living hell when we ask her to pick up her clothes.
Hayley reacts by using her charm. She is the true definition of a Daddy's girl, and she knows it. It can be useful when we want a favor, but terrible when I'm there when she gets caught. Guess who gets in trouble??
Finally, me. I react with anger, violence, and rage. I have a history of beating kids up, and swearing up a storm when I get really angry. It's been my coping skill my whole life. Terrible, I know. But effective. When Betrenna doesn't pick her dirty clothes up, I blow up; when Jim wants me to do bread on V-Day, I flip. It's what I do.
After school, James and I wanted to watch some movies that we rented Saturday. But Jim had decided otherwise. He wanted us to go to a farm and open bread for the farmer to feed to his deer. Let's just say I got angry.
While in my rage, I had a rational thought. I noticed something about my sisters and I that I'd never noticed before in my entire life. I suddenly realized a pattern in my sisters' reactions when things don't go our way.
Betrenna reacts by using the guilt trip. She cries until she gets her way, and she can cry a lot. She'll say how stressed she is and how we just make her life a living hell when we ask her to pick up her clothes.
Hayley reacts by using her charm. She is the true definition of a Daddy's girl, and she knows it. It can be useful when we want a favor, but terrible when I'm there when she gets caught. Guess who gets in trouble??
Finally, me. I react with anger, violence, and rage. I have a history of beating kids up, and swearing up a storm when I get really angry. It's been my coping skill my whole life. Terrible, I know. But effective. When Betrenna doesn't pick her dirty clothes up, I blow up; when Jim wants me to do bread on V-Day, I flip. It's what I do.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What Is Happening to the Word?!
Wow...I really never realized how omnipresent pornography is in our society. I never looked for it, yet I found it. Alot.
I was looking for a prom dress because my boyfriend, James, is a junior. So I went to google images and looked up Long Emo Prom Dresses. Let's face it, I'm emo-obsessed. I love the hair, the personalities, the makeup, clothes, everything.I saw this really cute dress so I clicked on it. Immediately, a bunch of advertisements showed up. Not just words or pictures, but the actual videos. It was sickening.
Stupidity got the best of me, and I clicked on one of the videos to try to make it stop. The funny thing was, it did stop-but it also went to the actual site. What was extremely disgusting was that the site was made by teens, for teens, and it was free! Sure, you had to be at least 18, but seriously, how many people will lie about their age to get acceptance? Tons. There were different categories that you could click on if you were a member, such as "hot emo girls", "girl-on-girl", and stuff like that. But what I found immensely freaky was that there was a category about 'hacked webcams'. Hacked! I now know what people mean when they say you should be careful with webcam... And there's not even a need to sign up, because there's clips right on the main page! It angers me!
Some of the videos were just revenge videos guys put up there when their girlfriends dumped them or cheated on them. Jeesh, now I'm scared about who to date! One even said 'She F*cked My Best Friend'....great way to handle it you d*ckwad!
This isn't the first time this has happened, either. It pops up everywhere. Way back before Marapets.com was the new 'thing', I loved it. But if you misspelled marapets and left out a letter, you'd be forwarded to an adult porn site! Dang you people, I was freaking 13 years old!
"We can help protect the innocence of our children, stolen on the internet with images they can't forget" -Skillet, Looking for Angels
I was looking for a prom dress because my boyfriend, James, is a junior. So I went to google images and looked up Long Emo Prom Dresses. Let's face it, I'm emo-obsessed. I love the hair, the personalities, the makeup, clothes, everything.I saw this really cute dress so I clicked on it. Immediately, a bunch of advertisements showed up. Not just words or pictures, but the actual videos. It was sickening.
Stupidity got the best of me, and I clicked on one of the videos to try to make it stop. The funny thing was, it did stop-but it also went to the actual site. What was extremely disgusting was that the site was made by teens, for teens, and it was free! Sure, you had to be at least 18, but seriously, how many people will lie about their age to get acceptance? Tons. There were different categories that you could click on if you were a member, such as "hot emo girls", "girl-on-girl", and stuff like that. But what I found immensely freaky was that there was a category about 'hacked webcams'. Hacked! I now know what people mean when they say you should be careful with webcam... And there's not even a need to sign up, because there's clips right on the main page! It angers me!
Some of the videos were just revenge videos guys put up there when their girlfriends dumped them or cheated on them. Jeesh, now I'm scared about who to date! One even said 'She F*cked My Best Friend'....great way to handle it you d*ckwad!
This isn't the first time this has happened, either. It pops up everywhere. Way back before Marapets.com was the new 'thing', I loved it. But if you misspelled marapets and left out a letter, you'd be forwarded to an adult porn site! Dang you people, I was freaking 13 years old!
"We can help protect the innocence of our children, stolen on the internet with images they can't forget" -Skillet, Looking for Angels
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The Runaway
Look at the child
With the tear-streaked face
No one who walks past
Can distract her from her daze
She looks right at you
And you know who she is
You blink just to check
But the familiarity disappears with the wind
You see the bruises
The rags she wears
The same clothes she's had
For the past two years
Her hand reaches for you
Begging for your help
You try to move but your hand is stuck
Right beside yourself
You keep struggling
Trying to break free
But this wall she has up
Won't fall easily
It will take a miracle
To knock down her guard
Longer than that, even
To get to her heart
She's gotten cold
After years of neglect
But this child you see
Lives with no regrets
She's out of his control
Her father the 'saint'
He pushed her too far
Inflicted too much pain
She'll gladly suffer
To be who she wants
To be away from him
His cruelty and thoughts
This girl looks frail
But on the inside, is strong
If you think her life is easy,
You couldn't be more wrong
It took her years to get out
Even more months to plan
To try to go through with it
Was harder than you can understand
But she did it
This little girl right here
Saved her life and future
From the man called Fear
But now he's back
Oblivious to her identity
This is why the wall is up
It's there intentionally
To protect her from him
The way you never could
You never stopped the burning anger
You just threw in more wood
Adding to the fire
Until it burned her down
But she emerged from the ashes
And became who she is now
Stronger than the daughter
You always strived to have
Stronger than the girl you knew
Who loved to make you mad
This child in front of us
With the impenetrable wall
Knew you would be back
Did you expect them to fall?
She saw you look through the crowd
Noticed your searching eyes
Looking for that smile she had
In her other life
Back when she pretended
To actually care for you
The man that killed her time and again
Before the day was through
This child right before you
With the dirty sewer smell
Know you better than she wants to
She knows you all too well
That is why you cannot see
The woman she's become
That's why you haven't been able to see
That she and I are one
The Girl Who Committed Suicide...And Those of Us Who She Left
The eyes, so green and full of life
The face, so vibrant even in the night
The girl, so rebellious, full of fight
The memory of her, forever in sight
Now I see her here again
Laying before me in a coffin
Skin so pale, the light is dim
Trying to hide us from her sins
They closed her eyes forevermore
Unable to let us look through the door
Can't see the soul, see it soar
Now she's just cold to the core
Grabbing her hand, I look at her body
See the things she had to see
During her last moments, did she blame me
For her death? NO! I scream
I didn't listen to her subtle cries
It was hard to look through her eyes
Hiding under makeup, under the lies
That she was fine, everyone dies
But not my best friend, no, not you
You're time on Earth with me wasn't through
I didn't say you could leave me, your family too
I thought we made a pact, that's what friends do
I would try to help if you tried to stop
Hurting yourself, was it too much?
You drained your body, down to every last drop
When you got that high, did you feel on top?
Did you enjoy hurting me?
Did you think that if you died I would see
The pain you felt and feel guilty
About letting you die so abruptly?
Just hear me out for a minute, please
Though you're dead, I'm on my knees
Begging for forgiveness, neglecting dignity
To give you what you wanted this whole scene
The attention you craved, but could never achieve
Not as long as you had no integrity
Using the drugs to escape your enemy
Why couldn't you just let it be?
Why make it bigger than it even seemed?
It couldn't have been that bad, was he?
Is that why you left me so quickly
Before the proper and planned ending?
Is it because he's really that mean?
So many questions, my friend, to ask
But now I must find the courage I lack
To help the grieving souls in black
Because you couldn't stand to halt the attack
On yourself, we want you back
Because as hard as it is, we miss you
Miss the girl that used to be true
To us, and would always come through
But we want to know if this is true
Though you're not here, do you miss us too?
The face, so vibrant even in the night
The girl, so rebellious, full of fight
The memory of her, forever in sight
Now I see her here again
Laying before me in a coffin
Skin so pale, the light is dim
Trying to hide us from her sins
They closed her eyes forevermore
Unable to let us look through the door
Can't see the soul, see it soar
Now she's just cold to the core
Grabbing her hand, I look at her body
See the things she had to see
During her last moments, did she blame me
For her death? NO! I scream
I didn't listen to her subtle cries
It was hard to look through her eyes
Hiding under makeup, under the lies
That she was fine, everyone dies
But not my best friend, no, not you
You're time on Earth with me wasn't through
I didn't say you could leave me, your family too
I thought we made a pact, that's what friends do
I would try to help if you tried to stop
Hurting yourself, was it too much?
You drained your body, down to every last drop
When you got that high, did you feel on top?
Did you enjoy hurting me?
Did you think that if you died I would see
The pain you felt and feel guilty
About letting you die so abruptly?
Just hear me out for a minute, please
Though you're dead, I'm on my knees
Begging for forgiveness, neglecting dignity
To give you what you wanted this whole scene
The attention you craved, but could never achieve
Not as long as you had no integrity
Using the drugs to escape your enemy
Why couldn't you just let it be?
Why make it bigger than it even seemed?
It couldn't have been that bad, was he?
Is that why you left me so quickly
Before the proper and planned ending?
Is it because he's really that mean?
So many questions, my friend, to ask
But now I must find the courage I lack
To help the grieving souls in black
Because you couldn't stand to halt the attack
On yourself, we want you back
Because as hard as it is, we miss you
Miss the girl that used to be true
To us, and would always come through
But we want to know if this is true
Though you're not here, do you miss us too?
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