Monday, June 13, 2011

The Mansion

As I explored the universe inside my own self, I saw the remains of a once grand and beautiful mansion. The roof was caving in, and the windows were boarded up. The yard had skeletons of what used to be familiar, and the property-just the property-was in black and white instead of the vibrant colors I was used to. I strode up the cracked and broken sidewalk and stopped at the foot of the porch stairs.
The paint was peeling, the floorboards had moss and rusty nails covering them, and the railing all but disintegrated at my touch. I tip-toed across the porch and prepared to knock at the door Curiously, the door opened without any provocation. Stepping inside, I looked at the water stains running down the drab yet unmistakably obvious living room.
Pictures on the wall were hung askew, as if a mild earthquake had struck during the owner's absence. The fireplace was overflowing with ashes and soot, and the furniture was protected by dusty, moth-eaten, gray sheets.
Walking away from the haunting image, I walked straight into a darkroom. Hung from string criss-crossing the ceiling's edges were pictures of little children playing with sticks and wrestling in the grass. In another picture was a happy family with beautiful clothes and beautiful faces. As I kept walking through the room, there were pictures showing love, joy, contentment, unity, acceptance, and trust. Turning around the way I came in, however, the pictures were horrifically different.
From the back, the pictures took on a whole new look. No longer were the children laughing, no longer where they playing in the yard. The bruises that were covered by the little girl's clothes were prominent and gruesome. The boy's face was filled with longing and remorse, sadness and humiliation. Terrified, I rushed past the photo, only to run right into a more disturbing image.
A skeleton stood before me, arms in front of the body. The almost-transparent skin on the figure hung off in strips. Tear paths were red with dried blood. The young woman in the picture was looking straight at the camera, face void of emotion. Except her eyes. Oh, her eyes. They screamed pain more loudly than any person using amplifiers and microphones ever could.
Running out of the darkroom, I sprinted up the steps toward what looked like a bedroom. I threw open the door and cried. I knew without a doubt this room belonged to the young woman in the picture. Drug pipes and empty bottles covered the floor, and cigarettes and torn-apart razor blades were littered on the bed. I looked around, and a part of the wall near the floor was missing.
I looked inside the hole, and entered a dimly-lit room. Candles cast flickering images on the circular room's one continuous wall. Taking a candle, I walked closer to the wall and noticed there were messages etched into the plaster and wood. "They won't listen..Why won't they listen?!" "You're tearing this family apart!" "This is just a dream.." "Do I have to scream for you to hear me?!" "I need to escape. I need to die.."
I backed away from the horror-movie-type words and found myself in front of a door. Except it didn't look like a door. It looked like a safe, complete with a lock. I typed the password into the keyboard, and the safe creaked open with a shudder. Turning on the light, I gasped. I knew this room! This was my room! I hid my secrets, hopes, dreams, and loves in this room. There, on the wall, was a picture of Matt and I hugging. Next to that was a poem from James. Then, the lyrics to A Drop in the Ocean. I picked a paper up off the floor. It was the poem from Michael, telling me to stay strong. Under that, the letters from Jess. Along the far wall was a giant mural of everything I regret leaving. There's Cono and the Eby family. And Gramma and the girls. And Sharon and Brittany! And then I see the young woman- alive. No, wait. That's mirror. is that me? Is that what I look like? I started running down the stairs, out into the yard. Safely away from the mansion, I turned to look again..And screamed.
This mansion, this worn-down mansion..It's my heart.

Song for the Weary

I know you're crying out to me, I see it in your eyes
But I'll forever turn my head, though I can read your mind
You feel worthless, as if you're a grain of sand
And no matter how much you scream and yell, they just don't understand
You close your drawbridge, shutting out the world
But trust me, my love, you aren't stopping the hurt
It's surrounding your thoughts, like a corpse in a shroud
And like the deceased, you cannot speak aloud
You can't share your heart, for fear of the shame
You already know you're the one to blame
So you let the blood fall to the tiled bathroom floor
And hope that, in your dreams, you can make it to shore
Because, my darling, you're drowning, far out at sea
Your family and friends aren't always what you want them to be
The girls you go to school with will someday grow gray
The boys that may have hurt you aren't the same as they were yesterday
Your blade has turned black, like your hated for them
But, my dear, you'll need them in the end
They're the anchor holding you to the ground
For you'd be in space had they not been around
Your mind is still drifting through the blue sky
And your tears are still invisible no matter how you cry
You cannot change your past-just hope for a new day
And listen intently to what I'm about to say:
Let your dreams come softly at night
But when they're of love, don't put up a fight
Remember the stories you have been shown
For someday, my love, the life you save may be your own

Friday, May 20, 2011

Letter To A Soldier

I got a letter from a soldier today
Someone you’ve never met
But he’s a friend, or so I say
Please don’t be upset
I asked him to write to me
When he passed to Vietnam
All I wanted was brutal honesty
Don’t you understand?
Your letters home all say hello
And Mother doesn’t suspect at all
But I’m not a child, Brother, I know
The actual battle where dozens fall
He tells me about feeling like prey
And living in fear every day

Brother, I miss you, and your death I fear
I don’t want to see you die
And though it means you’d always be near
I refuse to let your body rot in the place where dead soldiers lie
I know about the insects that bite you in your sleep
The eyes watching in the night
I hear the neighborhood mothers weep
When the reality of the war comes into the light
Medicine cannot save the lives
Of the many fallen men
And peace is a dream I’ve come to despise
Because it turns to death in the end
I can’t continue to live like this
Dreaming of the bullets that somehow always miss

In my nightmares they hit their bulls-eye
Blood pouring out in crimson red
I see your eyes widen in shock and I cry
Because I know you’ll soon be dead
The enemy I see inside my dreams
Are black images in my mind
And when I see the blood, I know what it means
I can feel your body’s pain in mine
I know your final thoughts are of anger and rage
Upset that you can’t make this right
And your ferocity cannot be kept in a cage
Not with all of your might
This dream haunts me in my head
Like a nightmare that comes when I lay in bed


We got a letter from you today
Mother was almost in tears
She was so happy to open it and say
That you’ll be home next year
The letter drifted to the floor
And Mother fell to her knees
I grabbed it and ran to the door
Ready to burn it because I don’t want to see
I know what it says; you were brave
And if we need money, just call
But if money were the thing that could save
You, my brother, wouldn’t fall
I go to school shrouded in black
Because happiness won’t bring you back..

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Teen Mom

I hate it when the sky is blue
And I lay in the grass but I all can think of is you
Of your voice, claiming your love
And telling me about the clouds above
Your fingers caressing my goose-bumped arm
The red lights were blinking, sounding an alarm
But I was too blind to notice the wrong
I was too focused on singing childish songs
I didn't believe it could happen to us
We're indestructible, so pure from lust
Our love was so pure, so eternal and true
So simple, all it took was, "I love you"
And I was hooked
That moment you took my nose out of my book
You'd spend the week at my place, staying in the guest room
My parents said they could trust you, and I did too
You never did anything wrong to anyone I know
So why did you betray us in our own home?
The bed was white, the blood was red
Except they didn't believe a word I said
"He's a good boy, child, you'll see
You and him were meant to be
You'll get over your fear of him
Just let your heart welcome him in
He's the one that will treat you right
The only one you'll find home at night."
They wanted me to commit myself
To the man who stole the last bit of myself
I can't be near the bed you stained
And anywhere someone knows my name
So tell my parents that I'm okay
And that I won't let my daughter end up this way

Monday, May 16, 2011

Tension

Note: I wrote this immediately after an argument with Jim, in which he basically told me he hopes God sends me to Hell, where I belong. My apologies if this makes no sense; I don't do well when I'm upset.

Your voice is fiery, your grip is like steel
I don't think I can escape- this agreement's been sealed
Our eternal battle has many years til it ends
I'll be surprised if we ever become friends
Our arms are locked in a power war
No victory yet, just bruises and sores
The broken mirrors, once showing my faults
Were transformed into a safe, my own little vault
The walls I was just taking down are erected once again
Higher, stronger, I'll never trust you again
The desert of my soul, scorched in love's thirst
Was moist for a while, before your lightning storms set ablaze the dirt
I'd thought we had love in our heart for each other, after five years of hate
But I see now that that particular hope is a waste
You won't change your 'superior' ways, and I won't change mine
We're on the edges of our sanity, overstepping the line
The bomb is ticking, Father, and it won't stop just because you demand it
Once it goes off, the dynamite will be lit
We'll start a nuclear fight, the Cold War reincarnate
Let's see what kind of havoc we can make
Hatred, selfishness, greed, and confusion
We can't keep reality separate from illusion
We've each deceived the opponent too many times
And when we snap, we don't realize what replays in our opposite's mind
I hear your regret, I, your ungrateful daughter
I know you wish I was more like, Betrenna, my elder
I hear your anger through the cellular phone
And I know you don't care if I end up alone