Introduction!

This is video one in my new series, The Invisibility Effect. It's just an intro video, talking a little about my life. Stay tuned for my next video, which will talk about the absurdity of love.

RECYCLING!!!

Hey guys! So, recently, I've been discovering this really cool thing called recycling. (Don't you dare stop reading yet, youngster.) It's ridiculously awesome how easy it is, actually! For anyone who's heard of my sister, Hayley, who made a duct tape prom dress two years ago, some recycling can look pretty badass! But seriously, just taking out vegetable scraps and putting them in a compost pile for gardening helps too. Personally, my favorite recycling memory is when my sister and I would take our old jeans and turn them into purses. I think I still have one, actually!
That's my recycling blip! So, yeah.
Oh, and click on this link. It'll get me a little closer to this scholarship for college. Just click it, make sure it registers, and do your own little thing. Thanks!

http://www.castleink.com

This is Me Rambling About My Week At A Camp Full Of Bible-Thumpers And How I Feel About Their Deity

So, I went to camp this past week. Church camp. Funny picture, huh? But I went, and I did all the actions. You know, all the things you're supposed to do at church camp. But this year, I did something different. I was dead honest. I was up front in saying to one of the girls in my cabin that I want nothing to do with someone who says they want me. Once someone says anything about being beautiful or wanting me or (worse yet) loving me, I automatically want to run the opposite way. Amazingly, no matter how many times I run from James, he always just patiently waits for me to come back. It's like I leave him (both in a relationship and my analogy) just to prove that I don't need him, that he mean nothing to me. Because let's face it: I have some serious pride! But he just stands there, saying nothing, waiting for me to come back. And he doesn't get mad at me for leaving in the first place. (Hey babe, if you're reading this, sometime you have to let me know how you get that kind of patience. I'd have killed you by now.) Anyway, the entire James situation makes me wonder if that's what God is like. Not saying I'm going all Bible Thumper on everyone here. I'm just pondering, because that's what I do. All the girls (and awkwardly dancing guys) were seriously crazy about this deity they can't even see. They can't go running into this dude's arms when they need someone to hold because they're so tired of holding themselves up. They just keep rereading this book, right? The Bible. I'm a HUGE reader. I read the Ellen Hopkins books (Crank, Burned, you know those books. If you don't, then get the hell off my blog until you read at least Crank) so many times it's crazy. When I feel the impulse to cut or OD, I read Impulse. When I get desperate for money and even consider prostitution (don't hate unless you're me), I read Tricks. And when drugs become a part of my life again, I read the Crank trilogy. When I get sick of religion being shoved in my face, I read Burned. The list goes on. Anyway, even though I go to these books when I need answers, I don't expect those answers to be on the page. I just need to know someone has been in my situation, even if they're a fictional character (or mostly real). But these Christians, these Christ followers, they actually fascinate me. No, I don't mean my dad or my pastor or even any member of my circle of friends. I mean the ones at Hidden Acres. They're so...on fire. It's crazy. Not sure if it's a bad crazy or a good crazy though. But these Christians don't have those physical arms to run to like I do with James. And if you don't already know, I'm more into physical relationships. If you haven't yet, read Lust, Love, and Sex..found somewhere on my blog!  I can't imagine, can't fathom, a relationship with something so distant. I have friends in distant relationships, NEVER works out. (Except with Chloe and Ethan...they work.) I'm a cheater. I won't lie. I can't stay 100% faithful to save my life. I'm going to do better, though. Promise. Anyway, relationships terrify me. And the fact that this god of theirs, this Jesus dude, wants me scares the living hell outta me! Like, last time someone wanted me..well we all know how that ended. And I don't want someone to want me. I'm so used to being unwanted that someone wanting me makes me not want them! Wow, lot of 'wants' in that sentence. Anywho, the fact that these Christians don't have a physical hug from their god, yet they always (yes, always!) go on about 'feeling God's presence' and stuff is ridiculous. Their hug is a verse in the Bible. Weird, huh? Anyway, I'm running on five hours of sleep and James bought me Sim Medieval for our monthaversary. Oh, and if you happen to see him and didn't already say happy birthday, say it. Or I'll most likely make you feel bad. I'm gonna go bye-bye now.
Peace!

Forgetting A Lost Love

No, this isn't about James. I feel like I should start writing that on every single piece I write, since everyone obviously ignores the tags. If it was about James, he'd be tagged.

I'm lying here now,
Wondering how I fell for you
You're still in my heart,
Still in my head, and I want
You out so bad

And if I had to choose,
You know that I would choose you
But if you could stop the world,
You'd stop my life too

I didn't mean for this to happen
You know I'd change it if I could
I'd do so many things different
Because I know that so would you, you

And I'm starting to regret you
And I'm tired of waiting for you,
When I know you'll never show
Do you even think of me when
You watch my favorite movie
Without me, what we used to be

If I'm to move on from you
I need to say I love you once more
Just to get it out, before I bury us
Under the floorboards

If I could just rewind
And take back those nights
I would, to save us, who I loved
I'd erase those times

I didn't mean for this to happen
You know I'd change it if I could
I'd do so many things different
Because I know that so would you, you

And I'm starting to regret you
And I'm tired of waiting for you,
When I know you'll never show
Do you even think of me when
You watch my favorite movie
Without me, what we used to be

When I can't sleep, I'm between dreams of you
When I drive around, I always slow down to see your face
Though I know you won't show up around here
And it's killing me to think, you never really wanted me
And now I'm starting to regret you, regret you
I'm starting to forget you, forget you

Personally, I Think Love is a Bunch of Shit

Watch out, I'm about to rant. Don't like what I say? Don't read it. I can and will get angry and say really nasty stuff to people who get mad at me for what I'm about to write. K? K.

Why the HELL am I not good enough for you? Seriously, I willingly threw away EVERYTHING for you. Do you understand me? Do you speak English? Do you? Because every fucking time I try to have a goddamn conversation with you, you shut down. I get the shutting down stuff, I really do. I mean, maybe you feel guilty for what we did. Maybe you feel bad for playing me. Who knows? You, and only you, since you absolutely refuse to even tell me, your best friend. Remember me? Yeah, still here, back to square one. Back to being just that one girl. That one you broke a promise to, that one you fucked over, that one you LIED to. I really hate liars. You know that, don't you? You should, since I used to kick your ass for lying to me. But now I can't kick your ass. Now I don't want to hurt you. I do a lot to make sure I don't hurt you. But you can't return the favor, eh? Can't be honest with her, can't be straight with me, can't even lie to me to make me feel a teensy bit better about this entire predicament I let myself get into. All because I thought you were worth it. I thought maybe you really did feel something all these years. Maybe it was't lust. Guess the fuck what? It was. Because you were over me quicker than my daddy was. And that was just a single text message. That's pretty goddamn quick, man. Can you at least spare me the happy-go-lucky, lost-your-fuck-buddy routine? If that's all you thought we were, tell me now so I can go get myself drunk to pretend you never said shit. Because you were so perfect in the beginning! So incredibly perfect. Now I'm starting to wonder if that was me imagining things. The you I know never treated me like this. Or maybe I really am delusional. Maybe I really do have some goddamn crazy shit in my head. Ask Carlee, she thinks I do.
Ain't that right, Shorty? Remember when I used to call you that? And you called me Stretch? Good times, gurly. Shame they were all a fucking lie. Seriously, if you hated me that much, fucking tell me. I coulda sworn we were best friends. Best friends don't talk shit to their parents. I made you throw up? I told you you were fat and had mental problems? When?! I had NO idea you felt that way about me. I didn't know I held a blade to your wrist when I was at Cono, with no way of even contacting anyone but my mom and my sister. Please, tell me how I did this. I have no idea how complimenting you all the goddamn time made you sick to your stomach, depressed, and trying to kill yourself. I guess I'm just that fake. So fake, in fact, I don't even realize my fakeness! Ha! This shit makes me laugh, honestly. Go tell your mom some more bullshit and get pissed at me for defending myself again. Go ahead, do it.
Is it just me, or do parents really fuck you over? Seriously, there's a legit reason I didn't want to go to camp this week, Mom. And you, Pastor, did you realize this was the ONLY week I didn't want to go to camp? I didn't go earlier in the summer because I had this thing called a job, so my parents could get off my ass about money. Next week is James' birthday. I have yet to actually be here on his birthday, in the two years we've been together. This is the third birthday I'll be missing. And to say I have to be spiritually ready to go work at an orphanage? I'm not a goddamn Christian! I do it to help them. Not to help your god. Your god is so powerful, he shouldn't even need my fucking help. YOU'RE the reason I hate church. You think I enjoy being told what to do by my pastor? Who the hell do you think you are?! I didn't want to go to camp, and I sure as hell am not happy about finding out I'm being forced to go three days before I leave. Just smite me, dear God Almighty! Kill me now, spare me the details. You wonder why I hate you. For real, man.
And you! You, my own father. left me yet again! Am I seriously not enough for you? I mean, I completely understand you not loving me as much as you do your son, since that's the reason you left us in the first place, fucking asshole. But seriously? Leaving me because I remind you of your ex? That's my goddamn mother! Remember fucking her?! Remember when I was born?! You probably weren't even there. You were probably out buying baby boy shit for your little son. Mom told me you didn't even want to know me. You gonna argue that statement? Don't bother, Jason. If you had wanted to know me, you would've tried a long-ass time ago.
Who's next to be a target?! Oh, yeah, me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with James? Why do I always have to fuck everything up? Goddamn. I wanna be with him because I want him to be happy, but the idea of being with him...yeah, not digging it. Don't know why! Probably because I'm fucked up. Because I want my 'best friend.' Because I have daddy issues. Who fucking knows, who fucking cares!
I'm done for now. I'm gonna have a cigarette. Go ahead, tell my mommy. She can't control a demon-child like me anyway.