Alive

Just another dream, once again seeing things
Disappear even though I've been watching so hard
Hardly blinking, barely thinking,
Just watching, keeping guard over the secrets occupying my space
Spacing out to distance the hurt
Hurting because of the space
So I'll distance myself from you,
Like you did me, like you always have
Distance means nothing if loyalty means everything
When were you loyal? When you
Ripped my life apart, or when you
Poured salt into my open wounds
Rubbing it in, making it sting
But that doesn't matter, does it baby?
No, I have my vodka, my whores
My entertaining melodies, haunting every part of me
I have my body, don't need nobody else
I can win a million, and I can lose one
A face in my past is a reflection in the water
Rippled, moving, constantly changing
Angry to anxious to maddened enraging
Gratifying self-loathing telling myself
I deserve the worst, the best is too good
But that's okay, because beauty's impossible
And forgetting your thoughts is next to possible
With my vodka, my rum, and my feelings being numb
My cigarette buzzes, the smoke cleansing me
Making room through the clutter so I can be free
Let my mind be
In a state of a daze in a state of a haze
Unfazed by the dainty feminine ways
Of sipping mixed drinks, so lightly spiked
I'll take charge, make the less so liked
And the perfect man hated, like I've been hating him
Haunting him, feeling him, feeding him, loving him
Yet breaking him, shaking him, racing him back to life
To my life to live, let me be alive.