Update on My Recovery

It's hard being the rebel trying to turn her life around. Especially when the person you trust the most talks about you to boys, saying you're a crazy bitch and she hates you. It's hard to not grab my blade (which I still have to throw away) and just hurt myself the way I used to. I sometimes get sick just looking at the food put in front of me, because of that little voice in my head saying I'm too fat to eat it. Then, when I'm alone in my room, I have to listen to my music as loud as I can-just to keep myself from crying and screaming. I let the music scream for me. My hands shake when I'm upset, more than they ever have. They're shaking right now, actually. It's a miracle I can type. But the worst part is the anger, the rage. The cigarettes are still within easy reach, and so is the blade. The drugs are right down the block, just calling out to me in the dead of night.
When I hear my 'best friend', my little sister, ask my old supplier for weed. It's hurtful to read messages (yeah, I know; invasion of privacy-oh well) to someone not worthy of her, telling him I'm insane and she wants nothing to do with me. And it kills that she doesn't care. It literally kills me to sit there and just watch her destroy her life-just so she can feel accepted.
It hurts. A lot. And I'm not saying I'm going to go back to my old habits, I'm just trying to relay how hard this is.
That's my update as of April 20th, 2011. Day 10

To My Unborn Daughter:

I'm sixteen years old, which implies that I'm a stupid teenager
But I know I love you already
I know I mess up every time my heart beats
But always remember you weren't unwanted-shocking, but loved
You're beautiful, and you'll never be anything less
I haven't seen you yet, haven't felt your heart beat
But I know how much potential you already have
Don't listen to the demons following me around
Stick your tongue out and laugh at their miserable faces
That's what I do

I know that every parent-to-be wants a better life for their kids
And I know, if you're at all like me and my fathers
You'll blow off my warnings and want to learn by experience
But, my daughter, I'm going to warn you anyway

Boys will be stupid, that I can guarantee without a doubt
Girls can be mean and like to feel like they're the best-but that doesn't mean they are
Disobeying your parents can be bad, but can be good for you
Otherwise, you'll never learn consequence
Lying is bad, because trust me, I'll find out
I'm a good liar when I want to be, and I'll see through yours

No matter what my mood is, no matter what I say
Or don't say
I love you, I'll always love you
And no matter what you do, I'll still love you
You're stuck with me, daughter
Just know I'm here for you.

A Letter to My Anorexia

When I look in the mirror, I see a kind of fire igniting. Slowly, but steadily reaching the point of burning. And I realized that I'm not the girl I thought I am. I'm beautiful; if not physically, then internally. If I can't accept my body, who will? 

Laying on my bed staring at the wall

Hearing my name, but resisting the call

I'm sick of being used, I'm done being your little doll

Right here and now, I'm ending this brawl

I'm not going to be lulled by your promises yet unkept

Or let myself be fooled by the tears you have wept

Threatening me, saying I'm not bone-thin yet

But I'm happy with myself now, and I owe you no debt

See, since that fateful day that's ruined my life

I've suffered more than my addiction to the knife

You've caused me almost unbearable strife

And the trouble you've caused is much too rife

Do you understand how your words made me die?

Every time I saw myself, I wanted to cry

Looking at my body and seeing the lie

That I'm ugly, fat, and not worthy of a guy

I'm worth more than you can even believe

And I can do more than I once thought I could achieve

While you're still relying on the self-doubt you need

I'm going to be making myself happy, and clean

I'm done with the drugs, the starvation, the abuse

I'm sick of telling myself it's okay to be used

I'm not anyone's call girl, I'm not going to be misused

And I don't care what you say, don't care if you're amused

I'm putting out my cigarettes, throwing out my blade

Drowning the pills on which my life was made

I'm going into the sunlight, coming out of the shade

Destroying the basis on which my self-hatred laid

No more weighing myself for perfection

Now I'm going through the resurrection
Bringing Brenna back through the mask of exceptions

And being honest with us both, finalizing the redemption

Deception

How can you say you want help
If you refuse the help that's offered?
If you lie to those who give you shelter?
And refuse to give a thought to others' feelings?

I rescued you from those who persecute you
I brought you to your haven
My hell
Yet you go behind my back

Making deals with the neighbor
My brother, for cigarettes and weed
When you know they won't help your situation
Disobeying the rules I set down
So you can escape more often

I've been in your situation
Your mindset
I know how you feel
How you work
Don't take me for a blind man
I can see
Hear
Feel
I know when you lie to me
I know when you steal

But I'm done tolerating every bit of deception
Every lie
Will count against you in the grand scheme of things

When I Look At You

This is about a really good friend of mine, Alea. I wrote this to try to put down my feelings towards her into words, but I don't know if it's possible. She's my best friend, my sister. I love you Alli.


I see beauty when you're in my sight
I don't see a child with problems
A disgrace to her parents
Her family
I see a girl who's tried to do nothing but good
And came out looking bad
I hear laughter come from your mouth
And that joy makes me want to cry
I hear the pain in your voice, pleading
"Get me out of here....Please"
I hear your parents complain about lies and thievery
And heck, I know you do that
You tell me all the time
But I also hear them disrespect you
Demand everything you have
Restrict you in every way
For no reason.

When I look at you, I don't see a fat girl
I see beauty, just radiating from your eyes
Your scars, burns, tears
I see your problems lessen in every smoky cigarette-filled exhale
The stress being relieved with every drop of blood

When I see you, I see what every boy that chases you misses
Your humor, your soft hands
Your sparkly personality with the sarcasm of a diva
Your desire for love, not just another sex-crazed high schooler

When I look at you, I see your struggles
I see what you try to hide
I see your need for acceptance,
Love. I see your longing to be the good child
But being overwhelmed by the pressure
I see your reasons for wanting to leave
And I know where you want to go

I see your body, the body you despise
Because your legs are too 'fat'
Your stomach, too 'big'
Your curves, too curvy

I regret you finding out about my eating habits
I rue the night we discussed how big we were
When really, you're the most beautiful girl I know
And I don't lie about beauty

I wish I hadn't encouraged you
I wish I'd kept it a better secret from you

When I look at you,
My best friend since we met
I see the perfect example of a rebel
I see what I once knew, what used to be familiar
What destroyed me in the end
When I look at you, I see me.