Invisibility Effect: Why I Don't Believe In Love

Stay tuned next week for my webisode on my views of dieting! Thanks for watching!

I Remember You

"You're either a sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare
Either way, I don't wanna wake up from you.."
You woke me up,
Struck me a deal,
Let's be friends, when we were more
I cared for you then, not any more
I enjoyed my slumber,
Where there was no number
No countdown to explosion
Expulsion, you expelled me from you
From the life I'd always wanted to be a part of
I wanted to believe in love, thought you were love
Could have sworn I'd deal with a few more blows
For the sake of seeing you smile again
Then that night, it ruined us
It ruined me, in all reality
I can't sleep some nights because I flash back
Flashbacks haunt me like you do
Reliving that 'incident'
That 'accident'
Every time I accidentally close my eyes
I want to claw my eyes out,
Just shut out the memory
You have no idea what you did to me, do you?
I don't expect you to, not asking you to even care
I'm just telling you my side of the story
See, I let you cross a boundary, willingly
Because I was crazy for you, see what I mean?
Wipe that angry glare off your face, love
I should have kept my guard up,
He fell asleep
I can't sleep
I'm turning into an insomniac
I'm becoming a maniac
My mind is always under attack
Pictures burning, searing through
The runes I'd made to block you
I've watched you leave, I turned away
Because there was nothing more I could say to keep you here
You would have left eventually, say what you will
It's true, you know
You were planning to stay on the other side
Of the fine line you were walking on
Balancing on
Like playing cards with a cheetah, you cheated
Not just on her, but you cheated me
You cheated me of the friendship
I'd spent my whole life honoring
I kept your picture in my wallet for years
Just to tell stories of our younger years
I've kept your stuffed animals, because you gave them to me
And I've always been too blind to see
This entire time, you weren't using me
You weren't even playing me
You're just sick and twisted
And I still miss it?
I still want you to answer me?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Better yet, what's wrong with you?
I'm trying so hard to do what you told me to
I've kept at it, hoping you'd respond to
My messages, my texts, my offers of friendship
I guess the river flows north for you
While mine still follows gravity, you rebel
Going against the constant flow
Of what we were, what we know
Or knew, so few of us remain
But we remember you
I remember you

Introduction!

This is video one in my new series, The Invisibility Effect. It's just an intro video, talking a little about my life. Stay tuned for my next video, which will talk about the absurdity of love.

RECYCLING!!!

Hey guys! So, recently, I've been discovering this really cool thing called recycling. (Don't you dare stop reading yet, youngster.) It's ridiculously awesome how easy it is, actually! For anyone who's heard of my sister, Hayley, who made a duct tape prom dress two years ago, some recycling can look pretty badass! But seriously, just taking out vegetable scraps and putting them in a compost pile for gardening helps too. Personally, my favorite recycling memory is when my sister and I would take our old jeans and turn them into purses. I think I still have one, actually!
That's my recycling blip! So, yeah.
Oh, and click on this link. It'll get me a little closer to this scholarship for college. Just click it, make sure it registers, and do your own little thing. Thanks!

http://www.castleink.com

This is Me Rambling About My Week At A Camp Full Of Bible-Thumpers And How I Feel About Their Deity

So, I went to camp this past week. Church camp. Funny picture, huh? But I went, and I did all the actions. You know, all the things you're supposed to do at church camp. But this year, I did something different. I was dead honest. I was up front in saying to one of the girls in my cabin that I want nothing to do with someone who says they want me. Once someone says anything about being beautiful or wanting me or (worse yet) loving me, I automatically want to run the opposite way. Amazingly, no matter how many times I run from James, he always just patiently waits for me to come back. It's like I leave him (both in a relationship and my analogy) just to prove that I don't need him, that he mean nothing to me. Because let's face it: I have some serious pride! But he just stands there, saying nothing, waiting for me to come back. And he doesn't get mad at me for leaving in the first place. (Hey babe, if you're reading this, sometime you have to let me know how you get that kind of patience. I'd have killed you by now.) Anyway, the entire James situation makes me wonder if that's what God is like. Not saying I'm going all Bible Thumper on everyone here. I'm just pondering, because that's what I do. All the girls (and awkwardly dancing guys) were seriously crazy about this deity they can't even see. They can't go running into this dude's arms when they need someone to hold because they're so tired of holding themselves up. They just keep rereading this book, right? The Bible. I'm a HUGE reader. I read the Ellen Hopkins books (Crank, Burned, you know those books. If you don't, then get the hell off my blog until you read at least Crank) so many times it's crazy. When I feel the impulse to cut or OD, I read Impulse. When I get desperate for money and even consider prostitution (don't hate unless you're me), I read Tricks. And when drugs become a part of my life again, I read the Crank trilogy. When I get sick of religion being shoved in my face, I read Burned. The list goes on. Anyway, even though I go to these books when I need answers, I don't expect those answers to be on the page. I just need to know someone has been in my situation, even if they're a fictional character (or mostly real). But these Christians, these Christ followers, they actually fascinate me. No, I don't mean my dad or my pastor or even any member of my circle of friends. I mean the ones at Hidden Acres. They're so...on fire. It's crazy. Not sure if it's a bad crazy or a good crazy though. But these Christians don't have those physical arms to run to like I do with James. And if you don't already know, I'm more into physical relationships. If you haven't yet, read Lust, Love, and Sex..found somewhere on my blog!  I can't imagine, can't fathom, a relationship with something so distant. I have friends in distant relationships, NEVER works out. (Except with Chloe and Ethan...they work.) I'm a cheater. I won't lie. I can't stay 100% faithful to save my life. I'm going to do better, though. Promise. Anyway, relationships terrify me. And the fact that this god of theirs, this Jesus dude, wants me scares the living hell outta me! Like, last time someone wanted me..well we all know how that ended. And I don't want someone to want me. I'm so used to being unwanted that someone wanting me makes me not want them! Wow, lot of 'wants' in that sentence. Anywho, the fact that these Christians don't have a physical hug from their god, yet they always (yes, always!) go on about 'feeling God's presence' and stuff is ridiculous. Their hug is a verse in the Bible. Weird, huh? Anyway, I'm running on five hours of sleep and James bought me Sim Medieval for our monthaversary. Oh, and if you happen to see him and didn't already say happy birthday, say it. Or I'll most likely make you feel bad. I'm gonna go bye-bye now.
Peace!