A Letter to My Anorexia

When I look in the mirror, I see a kind of fire igniting. Slowly, but steadily reaching the point of burning. And I realized that I'm not the girl I thought I am. I'm beautiful; if not physically, then internally. If I can't accept my body, who will? 

Laying on my bed staring at the wall

Hearing my name, but resisting the call

I'm sick of being used, I'm done being your little doll

Right here and now, I'm ending this brawl

I'm not going to be lulled by your promises yet unkept

Or let myself be fooled by the tears you have wept

Threatening me, saying I'm not bone-thin yet

But I'm happy with myself now, and I owe you no debt

See, since that fateful day that's ruined my life

I've suffered more than my addiction to the knife

You've caused me almost unbearable strife

And the trouble you've caused is much too rife

Do you understand how your words made me die?

Every time I saw myself, I wanted to cry

Looking at my body and seeing the lie

That I'm ugly, fat, and not worthy of a guy

I'm worth more than you can even believe

And I can do more than I once thought I could achieve

While you're still relying on the self-doubt you need

I'm going to be making myself happy, and clean

I'm done with the drugs, the starvation, the abuse

I'm sick of telling myself it's okay to be used

I'm not anyone's call girl, I'm not going to be misused

And I don't care what you say, don't care if you're amused

I'm putting out my cigarettes, throwing out my blade

Drowning the pills on which my life was made

I'm going into the sunlight, coming out of the shade

Destroying the basis on which my self-hatred laid

No more weighing myself for perfection

Now I'm going through the resurrection
Bringing Brenna back through the mask of exceptions

And being honest with us both, finalizing the redemption

Deception

How can you say you want help
If you refuse the help that's offered?
If you lie to those who give you shelter?
And refuse to give a thought to others' feelings?

I rescued you from those who persecute you
I brought you to your haven
My hell
Yet you go behind my back

Making deals with the neighbor
My brother, for cigarettes and weed
When you know they won't help your situation
Disobeying the rules I set down
So you can escape more often

I've been in your situation
Your mindset
I know how you feel
How you work
Don't take me for a blind man
I can see
Hear
Feel
I know when you lie to me
I know when you steal

But I'm done tolerating every bit of deception
Every lie
Will count against you in the grand scheme of things

When I Look At You

This is about a really good friend of mine, Alea. I wrote this to try to put down my feelings towards her into words, but I don't know if it's possible. She's my best friend, my sister. I love you Alli.


I see beauty when you're in my sight
I don't see a child with problems
A disgrace to her parents
Her family
I see a girl who's tried to do nothing but good
And came out looking bad
I hear laughter come from your mouth
And that joy makes me want to cry
I hear the pain in your voice, pleading
"Get me out of here....Please"
I hear your parents complain about lies and thievery
And heck, I know you do that
You tell me all the time
But I also hear them disrespect you
Demand everything you have
Restrict you in every way
For no reason.

When I look at you, I don't see a fat girl
I see beauty, just radiating from your eyes
Your scars, burns, tears
I see your problems lessen in every smoky cigarette-filled exhale
The stress being relieved with every drop of blood

When I see you, I see what every boy that chases you misses
Your humor, your soft hands
Your sparkly personality with the sarcasm of a diva
Your desire for love, not just another sex-crazed high schooler

When I look at you, I see your struggles
I see what you try to hide
I see your need for acceptance,
Love. I see your longing to be the good child
But being overwhelmed by the pressure
I see your reasons for wanting to leave
And I know where you want to go

I see your body, the body you despise
Because your legs are too 'fat'
Your stomach, too 'big'
Your curves, too curvy

I regret you finding out about my eating habits
I rue the night we discussed how big we were
When really, you're the most beautiful girl I know
And I don't lie about beauty

I wish I hadn't encouraged you
I wish I'd kept it a better secret from you

When I look at you,
My best friend since we met
I see the perfect example of a rebel
I see what I once knew, what used to be familiar
What destroyed me in the end
When I look at you, I see me.

20 Questions

While having a cigarette with my friend Alea the other day, I decided to play 20Q. To start, I asked a few questions about her hopes and all that stuff, and vise versa. Once the conversation started to fade and we started getting high, I got down to business. I asked her if she knew I used to have an eating disorder. She said she did, and she'd known since it started. Confused, I started interrogating her. She said I stopped eating at school and in front of other people at the start of the school year. Score one for Alea. I asked her when I stopped. Her answer: You never did.

This shocked me. I pride myself on being good at keeping secret. I'm happy when I know I've fooled someone into thinking I'm happy. I guess I need to work on that again. But, anyway, I just felt like writing that down.

I'm sorry for letting you down.

But Know This

Why must I explain myself?
You look at me as if I'm someone else
Some stranger you found in the back of an alley
Passed out drunk and stoned and bleeding
I've been changing before your eyes
Not that you not noticing is a surprise
You've been blinded by your self-righteous views
Unable to see what's right in front of you
The fact that you don't notice my eyes
Is what makes me want to see you die
Not by a human's hand
But by the will of your God will your life end

But know this:
Every cigarette I light
Every fight we fight
Every hit I take
Every cut I make
Every tear I've shed
Everything you've ever said

Everything we've been through these past few years
Will haunt me forever, adding to my fear
That one day I'll break under your ever-changing fist
With so many infected wounds, I won't be hard to miss
It won't take much energy to make me fall
It'll take less than that to inflict any degree of pain at all