Not Really Sure What's Going On Here...

They told me this would get easier
Standing here in a rain of tears
They told me I'd find some shelter
Among the lost souls also stuck here
They told me this memory would fade
That I'd soon be free of the remains
They promised

They swore the wind would die down
That I'd soon be able to hear my own thoughts
But it's not wind, it's my screams
Coming out of my nightmares
To haunt my waking hours
They didn't know the truth

I was told that I'd be free of this soon
That I'd be able to walk amongst the living
Rather than the half-dead
But no one is fully alive anymore
So we all blend in with those whose hearts still beat

I tried to love you
You told me you'd be warm in just a moment
But you're still lying here, cold
Cold-hearted, like the dead girl I was
But you have no reason, you weren't there
You weren't holding the hands of the drowned
Of the damned, the exiled, the second-best
No, you were chasing after favorites
After hordes of young dead girls
Ready to warm up to your false flame
Only to fall short of your impossible standards
To be rejected, to return to my touch
To be drowned all over again, needing air
The air only provided in the waters in which they sink
Til they hit rock bottom, then float to the surface
Where I wait

Letter to Hayden

Not a day goes by where I don't think of you
Of the life I almost got to have in my arms
And the life taken much too soon
Of the father that walked away
And the mother that drank you away
As if I could
Because I didn't; not completely
I drank you away,
In a way
But not in the way I meant to
And I'm sorry, so sorry
I can never make up for that,
I've been through a million hells for doing that
I've explained myself, justified myself
Hell, I tried to kill myself
Just to make it up to you
Every bottle I finished, I sang a song
Dedicated it to the stars, in hopes you'd hear it
Every cut I made, I bled into the earth
Hoping we could stay together, just a moment longer
You have another sister, now
I've been so careful with her, to make up for you
And I've prayed to you nightly
Just watch over us, please

Random Ramblings: Warm-Up

This is literally a warm-up, as it's been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write. This doesn't pertain to life at all, it just puts me in the mood. Calm yourselves, I'm not crazy.

Sitting down crying,

Wondering if I can even do this

Am I even strong enough to endure this?

Am I capable of coping with not one, but more?
More sins of yours seeping up through my floor?

I don't even remember what purity looks like

Much less what it feels like

I tried escaping, once long ago

I took half a bottle, and bled to add to it

I remember the look on my companion's face

When he saw my arm as we laid in bed

I remember the way my mother looked at me

It was a pathetic pity, only adding to my hopelessness

I remember the way I looked at myself in the mirror

Disgusted, outraged

I still think of simpler days

When I had a moment of silence

And wrote a poem a second

I had so much potential

And I wasted it on you

On your broken promises

On all your lies

Your eyes told me the truth, if I'd only looked

I was too in love, too willing to die

For a man who would kill me to live

The Cliff

I see you standing on the cliff
Wind blowing around your face
You're so beautiful, so perfect
You raise your hands up to the sky
Take a couple spins, and start to dive
Into the wave crashing against the rocks below
You've fallen so low
You were the angel in my heaven
The beautiful woman I had to look up to see
And now look, you're dying
You have to look up to me
Following you to your death, as any lover would
Because I want you forever,
And I'll follow you wherever
Just to be with you in some era of time
Maybe in another life
Maybe in Hell, maybe in Heaven
But eventually, I will make you mine
I can speak my mind, tell you the truth
Because anyone can see that I love you
As I follow you downward to the cold winter water
I scream at you the words that might make you falter
In your quest, if only I'd done it sooner
I may have saved our future, secured it with a ribbon
If I could only show you that you were never alone
Every tear on your face, I felt too
All the emotions you'd taste, my mouth watered for
I never lost sight of you, but the second I turn
You fall so low, so far down to the water
To our deaths

Let Go

I don't know what you do to me
But you have some sort of hold on me
I can't untangle myself if I wanted to
Not that I do
I'm attached to this chain
But I hold it anyway
Making sure it doesn't let me go
Because, for some reason, I can't let go
Of you, your hair, eyes, your pitiful demise
Every time you make me cry
It's been too long, I've changed so much
Yet I still see you and need to clutch my chest
So I don't reveal my truth
That hey, there's a reason I avoid you
In my mind, I still need you
I don't want to, but I do
And in my head, I still hate you
For everything you did, and everything I said
Every time you fooled me, thinking you were the best
I would get, and all I wanted anyway
But that's not true, now, is it?