Dear Child

Hey Baby
I know it's been a while
But I know you haven't forgotten me
So thank you for that
And I just want you to know
Not a day goes by where I don't think of you
Picture you in my mind
Wonder what you're doing
Wonder how this plays out
If your mother gets you
Will you see your sister
Will I ever see you again
The little girl that captured my heart
And drove me to insanity
The girl I would do anything for
The girl I stuck around for
What will become of you?

I'm thinking about starting a diary
A little online journal just for you
Just something to read when you're older
And you can understand
And put your reservations aside
And just read
Read what I say, then decide my fate
You won't remember be in 10 years,
Maybe even in 5
But I'll always hang your picture up
God, your room's already a shrine
I've decided to keep it ready
In case they ever let you come home
In case a miracle happens
Because maybe there is a God
And maybe he's a just God
Maybe he'll see what's going on
And maybe the web catches them
Maybe.

But this is your introductory letter, child
And when the time comes, you'll know where to find
Your little journal of love letters
And sob story letters
The pleading letters, the mourning letters,
Every letter.
You'll know.

Pheonix

After the rapes, I was too scared to really come forward and tell the world what my ex had done to me. I didn't want to press charges, I didn't want to feel. My feelings just shut off, and I was numb. My mind started to forget what had happened to me, but the nightmares kept at it and I got anxious every time I visited home. And that still happens. But now, it's like the feelings I had kept locked up are out. And the pain and fear are gone. I'm not scared of him anymore. I'm not scared to let the world know what this man is capable of. And good Lord, the world will know.

I've come to write a letter
I letter I'd never rendered
Necessary until now
And I'm writing it now

Dear Insert Blank Space Here
I just wanted to say fuck you
No, seriously, I mean it
I've been afraid for too long, you
Had a power over me, and I hate it
But trust me when I say
That I'm not even close to afraid
I've got an army at my back
Just made up of facts
And as a matter of fact,
You lied
But for now I'll keep you alive
Just so I can inflict enough pain
For you to see what I deal with every day
Are you sleeping where you died?
Do you have terrors in the night?
Have you been trying so hard to remember
Just so you wouldn't forget?
My brain just wants to surrender
The memories, but I won't let it
I refuse to suppress what you did to me
I need to know what it did to me
How it affected me
How it killed me
And how it cured me
You see, I'm back now with a vengeance
And I'll stop you from getting away with this
You'll pay for what you did, one way or another
And I'd hate for you to turn up dead
I'd hate to see the sky turn red
And I'd hate to see your rolling head
Because that's too kind to someone so cruel
And for someone that died, I've learned a thing or two
You can stand on solid ground
And I'll just dig it from beneath you
Slowly going around
Until you're too far down to move
Then I can just bury you alive
Bit by bit of dirt
And then I can listen to you scream
And damn, will it feel good.

Basically, my love, I'm just warning you
That I'm back, I'm pissed, and I'm coming after you.

It's 2:00 in the Morning. Don't Judge Me.

I think out of everything you did
to ruin me, to hold me
to grasp me, to choke me
the thing i cannot forgive you for
is crushing my throat
my writing is my breath
and you stole it in my sleep
you forbade it
you forgave me
as long as i didnt write anymore
i forgot what to say
how to say it
how to word it
how to rhyme it
i forgot how to write about anything
besides our sick, fake love
and now they tell me i can't write either
but you all can see
im suffocating
you're choking me
writing is my outlet
and you dont want to see me without it

before writing i was a cutter
id slash marks into my arm like i was just butter
and i'd take too many pills just to end it
i took so many pills i almost did it
and then one day my high school counselor
put a pen in my hand and said 'write'
and i did
and i wrote, and i wrote, and i
went back the next day and she said
how did it go?
i said i feel free, liberated
like these scars are just obliterated
i can breathe again you found my lungs
and i can never thank you enough
and she smiled and told me to go write
so i did

i wrote through breakups, makeups
friendships, death
a miscarriage, depression,
alcoholism, suicide attempts
i wrote through it all
and i came out stronger
and i came out with my fingers
and a pen
because that's all i need

so when you took that ability away
you took my coping away
you made me suffer alone
in my sea of misery
and ill never forgive you for that
two long years with no writing
unless it was i love you
no hidden poems in my mattress
no secret lyrics in my bathroom
nothing to let me let it out
so i died
i died so many times in that small time frame
so many times

and now im supposed to bet distraught
im supposed to be in agony
because of what you did to me
but instead i just dont feel a thing
which means i cant write a damn thing
and i hate you for doing this to me

The Fight

I'm running toward the river
And I'm trying to jump in
Because I've hit rock bottom, love
And I forgot how to swim
I just want it all to be over
Someone wake me up from this
But I guess it doesn't matter
I can't sleep anyway
I just want to make it better
I want to take away your pain
But every time I look at you I know
That I'm the reason you're in this game
The lies, the deceit, I wish I hadn't lived
If I'd done it right the first time...
Only memories, go to sleep love
Let me rub your back
Let me kiss your head and your cheeks
And your hands and your feet
Let me erase the last few months
Let's go back to being us
Just our mother/daughter team
I didn't need anyone else
But now you're gone, and I might lose you
And it terrifies me, please distract me
Vodka, where are you?
I need your kiss tonight
I need to be held
Just tell me it's alright
I need to feel beautiful again
Like I'm worth something again
Like my life means something again
Because without her, I mean less
Than her father, my rapist, he said it best
'You need to let her go
You don't deserve her, love'
But a part of me, deep down
Knows I went through hell and back
And I deserve my baby
But my body walks away
Right toward the bottle, the sex, the blade
Right toward everything the Devil ever made
My head tells me to go down the street, not across
My heart tells me I need to fight for her
My body just wants to be numb
I want to be numb
Love hurts, every time.

Island

I was told I'm heartless
And I said sure cuz I dont know where my heart is
I feel next to nothing
for everything
it's my animalistic tendencies
i swear I'm being driven by instinct
i think i lost my humanity
the moment you penetrated me
i can tune out the world
and not let anyone in
i can build up my walls
so high that they'll never fall
i just need physical contact
and to know that someone wants me
i need the power
i need to know that I'M in control
that I can cut the cord
severing the tie between us
and by feeling no emotion
i cant get hurt
and sky won't get hurt
and be rest assured
that i am a rock
i am an island
cuz a rock never feels pain
and an island never cries