I'm Over You

Ball of fire, run away
Run from your responsibility
Don't look back, close your eyes
Soon you'll be in paradise
Or hell, however you wish to sound
I'll let you be the judge; look around
Tell me how this looks to you
You whose eyes always
See through lies

Watch the walls come up and the tears fall down
As you watch your story hurt me
But you'd never see me
Turn your head and look around
And tell me what this place is to you
Figure out your heart's place
Then call me just to save face
'Cause I can see through your lies too

Look up at the sky; what do you see?
The past is ripping away from me
Stitches tearing
Always swearing
That you'd never leave
But I can see and I can read
I know you're using me

You wanna come home?
Pick up your phone and call
So I can ignore you, like you did me
And watch you crumble into a heap
And I'm just gonna stand and laugh
At all the things you'd say back then

Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

You made me realize that my eyes were fake
Because all I ever saw with you were mistakes I never made
You always cornered me
Like tearing off a butterfly wing
You'd tell me what my nightmares meant
That I'm just another thing to regret
And I believed you, because I wanted it to be true
I wanted to somehow make us perfect, and I knew it wasn't you
You wouldn't sacrifice your prideful shame
And I still have messages that read your name
Calling me a whore, and saying I lied
That I never loved you, I never cried
I always laid awake, alone at night
Not drowning in blood, but craving a fight
Not soaking my pillows in angry tears
Just another girl who can't look in mirrors
Because she's too fat to realize she's thin
And she's to busy covering the gashes on her skin
To notice she's pathetic, she can't fit in
Because no one wants to love a terrible friend
But now I know the truth: you know how I feel
Because now, tonight, I know my eyes are real

Tory's Song :)

Can you tell me how we got here, or atleast how I can leave?

Because you made me feel so worth it, then you took everything from me. 

And now I'm stuck here crying my self to sleep

I'm numb from all the feelings 

I keep going over and over inside of my head

And I keep thinkin back on the things that you said.

You said I was so innocent, wearing my heart on my sleeve

And you told me I was beautiful and I foolishly believed

You said I was the want you want and that you'd never leave

But you said that with your fingers crossed, didn't you baby?

I remember when we'd lay down, the way you'd hold my hand

You'd whisper that you love me and that you understand

That I'm not ready to give you all my heart

Because that little girl inside doesn't wanna fall apart

Now I'm on the couch where we would laugh and fall asleep

And I can't help but think to myself

Would it'd be enough to drop it all and just give up on love

And move on to forgetting about us?

Clockwork

The walls start to fall all around me
And I start feeling my heart pounding
My world used to be so small, so obscure
But I'm still the same, still insecure
Still waiting for my hero to come running to save me
And carry me away on his big, white steed
I remember when I was still a girl and believed in hope
And thought I lived like I was a showman
Letting someone pull the strings
And control the things
I couldn't bear to see
I closed my eyes and wished for peace
And was reminded of the world's clockwork before I went to sleep
I'd lay in bed and pray to God
Asking him for the love I was without.

Dear World

Dear World,
This is my final say
I never wanted to ask for help,
but would you have listened anyway?
You never were a kind one to love
And I'm starting to wonder if I wasn't enough
You always liked to watch me fall
Watch me crawl along the ground
Waiting for me to get up
Just to watch me fall back down
And you'd stand there laughing at the broken bones
The feet that were bleeding from the broken home
You never really asked if I would be okay
And you kinda liked to shove it in my face
That I'm not a model, not running on beauty
I've got my pen in my hand and my brain in my head
But I also have eyes to see that you just want to injure me
I'm the newborn fawn the hunters try to catch
If only because it's bait for a trap
And I'm the child being abused
And everyone can see the yellowing bruise
But you never looked deep enough to see
What I always wanted you to watch me be
You like to tear me down
Like I'm one of your math problems that you can't figure out
But I'm like an open book
If only you'd look
I have hidden no secrets, nothing to blame
I have nothing to hide, but you're not the same
You closed up your wounds with warrior-like screams
You killed my spirit, used its sinews for your seams
And I don't know why you refuse to try
But you can't seem to get past the scars on my body
The cuts I can see
The bones still protruding
Cliques keep on feuding
Capulets versus Montagues, all-out war
And whoever wins the battle only gets scarred
Because, little world, you only want pain
And because you're insecure, you need to gain
Your self-confidence by ruining mine
But guess what?! Idiot, I waited for my time
And I'm not with a blade sitting alone
And I'm not running arrows with a marker along my bones
I'm not drinking my rum hidden away
And I'm not smoking the drugs you took today
So, little world, what will you do
When the Karma is flipped and this happens to you?

To My Grandma:

It can't end this way
There's still so much more to say
And I'm not ready to say goodbye
Can we go back in time
And rewind our lives
Because I can't stand to let it die
And I want to go back to you and I

I didn't get my chance
To say all I needed to
And I wasted so much
Didn't give enough to you
Always thought you'd stay
And be the constant in my life
I didn't think I'd see the day
When I'd see through my own lie

You always said you'd be there
When I was just a girl
You pointed to my heart through the air
And said this will be my home

You promised me
That you'd never leave
That the world will change but you would always be
Why has it taken so long for me to see?

Can't Say Goodbye

I never thought that I would be addicted
Never felt your love to me so strong
Promised myself I'd stay away from you
But my feet wouldn't let me make it wrong

Because this can't be right
I'm supposed to fight
This feeling that I feel in me
And I can't turn away
No matter what I say
I always come right back and see
That we weren't meant to be

I always said that I could not fall for you
I always said that you would be alone
Because if you are sin and I am still a child
Then I should run away I know

I was always free
Until you entrapped me
And entangled me inside your heart
And now I can't get out
Though I scream and shout
But I still can't stand to be apart
Now how do I escape this feeling inside?
Because you know just as well as I
That I can't say goodbye

Former Love

You're the reason the sky turns gray
And I hate to watch you walk away
Flowers bloom when you come near
Your passion chased away my fears

Now I want your love to be mine
But now I know we're out of time

I love it when you call my name
And say the things you used to say
I know you have another me
But what is she supposed to be? Because

Now I want your love to be mine
And now I know we're out of time

We were supposed to last to the end
But now I'm just an ex-girlfriend
You say you'll never for get us
Or how we used to be in love, but

Now I know we never were
And now I know what I want for sure

Prince

I will not fall the way you fell into my arms
I will not call the wolf's cry, sound the alarm
I will stand tall, and face the pain you pushed so far away
And watch you crawl away from the dark night

Do you still believe in the hope we'd see
When we'd watch them make our enemies flee
And stand there like children, on our knees
Shiver the cold away, wait for another day
For Prince to save our dreams again

You still won't leave the tower haunting me in my dreams
It's like a refuge that you can't seem to escape
I got away, by sheer force and determination
But you cower there like the shy little princess
When will you know the grass cannot be greener
When all that's in front of you is a wall made of stone

Run away into the wood jumping high above the walls
Toward a secret lover's nest surrounded by waterfalls
Run this way, I'm waiting for you
To take back what's ours so we make a new world
Our world

The world outside is so beautiful
And here you can be just as beautiful as we were
With the children laughing in the streets, dancing
Because they know the chains they escaped
The chains you cling to for life
Singing of princes coming to save
A life that was never theirs to save

It was yours

I Followed Blindly

They asked me to go to war
And fight the Darkness with just my sword
And though to myself I always swore
To never fight the war over-shores
I followed blindly


My mother said it would end me
And turn me into my own Enemy
But the promises lulled my doubting
Mine eyes were searching across the sea--and so
I followed blindly


Riding the majestic waves in gale
And letting myself drown in hail
Beating the drum with my fist made of shale
Growing cold from the rain, turning me pale--but
I followed blindly

And when the warriors gathered wretchedly
And spake of treason and perfidy
I stood there listening with charity
Hearing their every word with abnormal clarity--and
I followed blindly


When the arrows were notched and the spears were heaved
Against our comrades who went to extremes
To defend their hatred, lust, and greed
And felled the strongest ones to grief--but
I followed blindly


And when the light became red with gore
I swore I had seen what I came for
But when my insides felt so torn
I knew my legend had just been born--and so
I followed blindly


Now I sit here waiting still
For the warriors of long ago
As we’ll renew our ancient deal
They will be flung to the pits of Hell
And I will follow blindly.

Dreams

“Go to hell” you whisper at me
Whispering of your dislike of every dream
That I dream when you fall asleep
As you recall the horrors befallen
As you remember the haunting
Haunting you as you sleep

Hell is such an impossible place
Placing it within a bunch of words
Gives it no meaning
But in my dreams I think of it
As a fury of fire encased in flame

Passionate tongues speak in hate
Hard hearted pharaohs demanding pay
Payment for the stomping of their dream
Like their loves stomped the dreams they used to dream

But I have seen the palm trees sway
And seen the fire catch them in surprise
I have seen your passion catch lovers on fire
And teach them how to burn brighter than sapphire
Burning, burning, burning
Just like Hell

See, when I was a young child
I ached for a fire to bun my shell
I wanted to feel myself melt
Into the arms of a shelter I can’t understand
I ached for a love I knew you could give
Setting fire to the world in which we live
And letting my life burn down
So I can say I caught your fire

I dreamed of the fire you held in your hands
And took the slices of love you gave
Feeding your intensity to me bite by bite
While I’m biting the bit you attached to my mouth
To stop me from stopping you
Burning, burning, burning
I burned brighter than any star in the sky
Flying towards the hell you created
The hell I’m escaping.

Violent Passion

my words turn invisible, my heart turns to stone
i read the message engraved for me upon the accursed stone
i can take a hint, you see, i know when we are done
and i know i said we weren't meant to be, but our race was never won
did you ever care for me? or was i just a pawn?
'cause if you said 'i love you' to her, just consider me gone
you always want what you can't have, isn't it true my dear?
and when you finally win her heart, you leave her with her tears
you moved on to your new 'baby doll' with her boyfriend at your heels
and this time i won't see the end of this, i know how it will feel
when you throw her up against the wall and kiss and pull her hair
and she'll be screaming your name, like me, and fight without a care
but we know that it's all a front, don't we babe?
you get off on violent shame
and you say you'll never find another her
then you'll walk right out that door
again.

Lock and Key

I know my past isn't perfect
But who are you to talk about perfection
Because I'm waiting to hear why you can blame
Me for being what I want, when you were the same
Way you when you were a kid
And you did what everyone else did

Don't tell me I'm a slut
Because compared to all the girls at school
I keep my legs shut.
And don't tell me I whore around
Because you don't like the way
I joke around with my friends

Don't tell me I'm immoral
Just because my morals aren't the same as yours
And my labels aren't the same as yours
Neither are my requirements
Love is earned
Just like your trust
And trust me, you haven't earned either

See, unconditional love is a fairy tale
Because when I was a little girl still believing
You shot my hopes down with a paper of disbelief
And demanded payment for your mistakes
Not my own

Loyalty is everything to me
Because that's what I think it means
To be a real friend
And a sister
Instead of those fake girls in magazines
With the perfectly sculpted faces and
Airbrushed acne

To be loyal is to royal
Because if the king and queen are divided
Then the kingdom is divided
Because the divorce papers will always divide
What goes where
And who gets what

And I want to be king
And you can be queen
Because I will not be taken down
Beaten down
Oppressed and
Repressed
By a controlling someone
Anyone who tries will see
The side of me I try to keep
Hidden
Under
Lock
And
Key.

Thief

if i could steal and live to tell
the tale, believe me i would
i would take your poetry
claim your words, steal your fame
and put in in my web domain
that's what it's called right?

if i could write as well as you
and put feelings into words just like you
and make a heartless woman cry
just by reading twenty lines
i could explain my feelings
without all these revealing
letters, all put into a cage
of a word, just like my rage

if i could be like a mix & match outfit
that toddlers wear when their mom's forget
to dress them, i'd wear your talent
his irrelevant passion
and her compassionate gestures
to the beggars of those of us
with bodies of rust, and our voices are raw
so i'll steal your flaws too
because errors are better than being just you
i'll steal your perfection and make it all mine
and end the rejection i feel all the time

Beauty From Ashes

Finding beauty within the ashes is much more than camera flashes
I must find the fire and burn the past
To make an image that I know will last
I need a story to bring about
Changes in what I'm all about
I have to have a history
A mystery behind
My fucked up mind
The things I love, I know you'll hate
You'd rather have control of my fate
But to hell if I'll give up control
Of the only thing I have control of
And let you make me another golden child
One that isn't crazy and is never wild
So screw your opinion if it doesn't match mine
Or at least a version of mine in my mind
Because honestly, boy, my soul is mine
My life is mine
My body, mine
Not yours.
So I'll burn down my current self
And emerge as someone else

Reflection

i always strive to be the best
and I want to be the best one
in something, but I can never be
the girl you see on the tv screen
talking about how she didn't think this could happen to her
and she just wanted to try something to do for
fun because she has a boring life
just sitting in her bedroom staring at lights
wondering if she could touch them, if she tried
So she tried
but i failed
i lost my way on the bread crumb trail
see, my eyes aren't the best eyes
so i hate being surprised
and i can't stand being scrutinized
because if i can't do it why can you?
why can you see every one of my flaws
when i can't see past these walls
why can you hear me cry
when i cant even empathize?

i just wanted to be the best, you see
or can you not? did your sight flee?
the fat kept sliding off my thighs
the weed kept giving me all new highs
i didn't feel pain from any goodbyes
i could kill you all and not think twice
the drugs made me weak
weakness is for the meek
i didn't eat for a week
to make myself thin
and see myself grin
in the mirror when i saw my bone-thin
rib cage, sticking out like welts
and my jeans don't fit anymore because i have no more belts

and i stayed away from home because i can't be the one
i can't be the daughter you wanted from day one
you can't understand
what you won't understand
i smoke, i drink, i still cut my skin
but it's not that important, because, hell, now i'm thin!

and yes, i have a tattoo, but no, it's not done
i still have to get more words on it, because there's only one
and yeah, it's totally opposite to what i think i am
but that's why i'm getting it finished to reflect who i am
to say you burned me down and kicked me
but i came out from the fire and started to see
what it meant to be me

Awesome Power

Wanting to be known she looks deeper into how we look at her
as a people we fail to see what it is we're meant to see
and im not perfect, i judge the judged
but what if we're not the judges?

what if there's a tiny man
with a gavel in his hand
waiting for us to fall in quicksand
so he can laugh and smack his thigh
and say you all just act so high
and mighty but who pulls the strings?
who makes you sing?

who makes you love and hate at all
and who makes you want to watch each other fall
who created the passion that engulfs you all?
i sit here and watch every one of you fall
to your humility and lose your strength
because your pitiful vanity is nothing in length
to my awesome power

Leaving

The sun beats down upon my face
I sit here longing for a final embrace
I can still hear your voice, I can taste
Every kiss that we shared can’t be erased

Knowing you’re gone just makes it hurt more
‘Cause I know you won’t walk back through that door
And I can sit here crying forever on the floor
But you already left me alone with this war

I fight in my head to keep him away
I use all my willpower to keep him at bay
I can only do so much till my power decays
But I swore to myself we’d gone our own ways

You always told me you saw through my lies
But you didn’t notice when the passion died
You never saw the pain in my eyes
When you told me to go, to live my own life

And I stayed, because I know I can’t leave
I can’t be away no matter how hard I plead
I can’t run from the fate chosen for me
The gods chose us together, it’s our destiny

Maybe I’m the only one
Who sees you as my sun
The race I must run
Til my life is done

So I’ll hold onto this heart
Shattered and torn apart
Full of holes and stitch marks
Until I find its counterpart

Randomness

Thank God you won't receive this
I hope you never read this
Because I know you won't believe this
Though I'm not the only one that sees this

I'm not the girl you wish I was
I'm not the girl I thought I was
I'm probably what they said I was
The bitch I used to say I was

You thought I was perfect once
I believed it to be true once
But I know now I never was
What you thought I was

Freedom With A Price

I feel as if I should throw a fit and scream and cry
And then I realize it's a waste of time
It won't make you return, just push you away
But now I don't care, as long as you'll say
You didn't mean it, you still want me back
You'll mend the stitches on my heart, fill the cracks
You'll kiss my tears away, jump over my wall
That you once knocked down; you once made fall
You'll storm up the steps with anger in your eyes
Anger at yourself, for making me cry
You'll plead with me, "Please open the door
I didn't mean what I said, I didn't mean it before
I will stand here and fight for you like I know you wish I would
And I won't let you go, though I know I should
I take it all back, every mistake I ever made
I'll never control you, let yourself fade
I'll let you be free
To do what you please
And when you don't like what you see
You can come back to me
You can cry on my shoulder, I swear I won't leave
I'll stay right here and let you be
You..

Better

he says he loves me

and maybe he means it

but maybe he doesn't

maybe he wants to sleep with me
the body he envisions to be me
the supermodel face plastered to mine
the bikini model shape

maybe he wants a gullible child
a naive girl with no sense
a girl he can hold on to
a girl that needs him

maybe he wants the lustful whore
he thinks most women are
but he says im the exception
am i?

am i better than all the others
all the girls he's known and loved?
am i prettier?
smarter?
easier?
should i accept this attention
these compliments?
should i shove him away like i do all the others
or play with him, like a toy soldier
maybe i should give in to him
the candy aisle calling my name
brenna...brenna...brenna...

Shining Armor

I'm stuck here alone when I want you here

But I cannot find you though it's been years

Your aura has changed to a dull gray

Instead of the vibrant red you were that day

When we met I could feel you under my skin

And though I was young, I wanted to let you in

You knocked down my fortress with your passionate words

You strode up my staircase with no thought to your wounds

My guard had riddled you with bullets and fire

But nothing could keep you from your loving desire

You knew where I lay in my untroubled sleep

Growing cold from years of feigned love, counting sheep

You slayed my mighty dragon, killed with his own flame

The fire in your eyes, to me, did the same

You were the one I woke up to

The face I knew

I memorized your scars in the heat of our love

During our passion I knew you were enough

I could lay next to you and feel no shame

Though I hated my body, you placed no blame

My weight was perfect, my cuts were real

You knew my worst fear, you'd know how I feel

Your love never strayed from one day to the next

Though my eyes were averted every year at best

I could not stay faithful, one hundred percent true

I only looked, didn't touch, but I knew it hurt you

I could not fathom why you acted that way

Why you cringed when I'd be gone for a day

You knew where I lied, where I told the truth

You knew I was in love, but you didn't know it was with you.

Love?

How am I to learn to love
When no one's taught me?
You all walked away when I needed you the most
Without looking back, feeling remorse

The dad who walked out of my life without a word
Never calling, writing, giving me a clue
Of his name, his life, himself

The mother who gave me up
And has yet to tell me the truth about my childhood
Why she let me go

The brothers who refuse to love me
After the lies and deceit
Blaming me for mistakes not my own

The sister who alienates me
Loves only conditionally
When it suits her

And the friend who's my friend
When I'm with my ex-boyfriend
When we're "happily in love"

Whatever love means
Whatever happiness is
Whatever friendship is
Whatever you are
Whatever I am.

Kings and Queens

Sitting in the backyard
Waiting for the sunrise
Cannot keep a straight face
When I think of compromise
Knowing you can hear me
And knowing you ain't listening
Still sitting on your empty throne
But with no audience
'Cause no one wants to hear you lies
But you don't want to admit
That you're wrong
That you're wrong

Drinking the blood
Of your enemies
Sitting in the corner
Waiting for you to notice me
To notice me

You think I'm just a subject
That you can boss around
But I am uncontrollable
And I will tear you down
Watching your iron rule
Fade with every wisp of smoke
'Cause, hun, I'll be the end of you
Not that you'd ever know

Take a trip into your future
And relive your past
You will find your tyrannic rule
Start to unravel fast
No one wants to be your slave
And no one wants to die
But sacrifices must be made
To make peace for you and I

Who Am I If Not You?

Maybe it's habitual or become a ritual
But I can't seem to be without you beside me
I can't stay sane when you're missing
The time flies so slowly, the cruel clock moaning
The hands tied together like we were
Two birds of a feather
Unstoppable
Inseparable
The dark turns to light but I'm still in the night
Soul-searching is pointless when I've already found my match
Like Abaddon and Azreal, the twins of destruction
Enyo and Ares, creators of war
We stood hand-in-hand
Destroying everything in our way
We cannot be without each other
For fear of the day

Grace

You watched as I fell
You laughed when I cried
You twisted stories to tell
A bunch of bullshit and lies
You insulted me at every turn
Pretended the cuts weren't there
Looked away from every burn
Acted as if my sins were bare
You ran from the truth
And said I was wrong
You knew it was you
Who had made me this strong
You aimed at me your fear of love
And projected forth your pain
But I knew what family was made of
And I pulled to strain
The tightly wound string running toward
The gassed-up fire that would burn
The past so I can move forward
And let real fate take its turn
At trying to make a brand new face
Stream out from beyond the grave
Where my ashes lay in eternal grace

Why do I hate being here?

Hmm... Let us ponder that question. First off, I hate being controlled. You control me, I rebel. Need I say more? Skulls are NOT evil. They are the bones that make up your head. Peace signs are NOT broken-down crosses. They are just random lines in a circle. The word 'ass' is not a cuss word. It is merely a man-made word people choose to take offensively. Second, self-expression is not entirely rebellious. I do not ask for drugs, I don't go around tattooing my body. I just want to dye my hair. If that makes me an attention whore, then I guess Mom's an attention whore too. Thirdly, I do mess up. I am not perfect, nor will I ever claim to be perfect. Therefore, stop acting like you're better than me just because you have different beliefs than me. Not everyone is a radical Christian. Some people just have a hard time trusting 'our Father' because our fathers have been terrible fathers. Just because I wear shorter shorts than you would like does NOT mean I want to grab the attention of every horny guy out there. Nor does it mean that I want to show off my body for more attention. You should be happy I even have the self-confidence to wear something besides huge clothes that don't fit me. You should be rejoicing that I'm eating once again. You should be apologizing for not noticing I was dying inside. That I would go to my room and cut my wrists, my neck. You shouldn't be condemning me because I've had an immoral relationship. Yes, 'Mom', I messed up. I am not a little five year old innocent child. I've seen the world. I've seen the dark side of families. And you can only blame yourself for that.If you'd paid attention at night, I wouldn't have learned how to smoke a cigarette, how to steal a car. Had you not shipped me to Cono, I wouldn't know what a real family feels like. I wouldn't know how to accept love from parental figures-especially a fatherly one. Had you not lied to the police and said I threatened your life, I wouldn't have gotten the relationship with my biological family I now have. I wouldn't have known my great-uncle. I wouldn't have met my father. Finally, if not for your filthy lies, I wouldn't know what it's like to feel homeless. I wouldn't know what it feels like to make somewhere home, then be shipped off to another psych ward in six hours. I wouldn't know how evil the world is; how a five foot tall thirteen year old can stab someone trying to help him. I wouldn't have learned to fight, had it not been for your belief to let us work it out on our own. I would have learned to control my temper had you talked to me about it rather than damn me to Hell for it. I would still believe sex to be an immediate damnation. I would still think all families were fucked up in every way. That the word 'family' is just a name for a group of strangers in the same house. If not for you, I would still be your baby girl. But I'm not. It's time to live with that. And until you let the ghost of me go, I won't be able to tolerate you any more than possible.

The Rejected

You say God isn't distant
He's always here in front of me
But why can I not feel him or see?
I don't like being this intimate
I said I believed because I do
But I liked it better when you were high
In the heavens and didn't see me pass by
I'm not sure I like this newly discovered you
See, my life is full of traitors
Secrets mean gossip and emotions are dead
I keep my real feelings inside my head
And I don't let them out for fear of hatred
I don't like that you can find me
When I don't want to be found
When I don't want to be around
When I just want you to let me be
I can't accept something
That's always within reach
Love given freely?
You've gotta be kidding me
That's too much to handle
For someone who's sworn off unconditional love
For something read of in a book, from above
But not real, I don't understand
I won't let you in
Can't let you win
I will shut you out of my head
Until the moment my heart is dead
I can't let myself be open
To the idea of a loving
Person who knows everything
And still wants to be with me
I'm sorry, God, whoever you are
I can't be around you if you don't love me only from afar

Skin Deep

So my friend Tory from T3 wanted me to write a song for her so we could jam out to it. I couldn't get it right because I can only write when I'm in the mood, you know? So last night, as I was fighting with my 'friend,' I got the words :) enjoy! Love you Tory! And special thanks to Brody for pissing me off :)

I see I'm not your only girl, your diamond in the stone
You're too busy thinking of yourself to see I'm sitting here alone
I'm waiting for you to make a move, say what I need to hear
Bu I know you're whispering it into her ear now
The more the better
Bet you feel like a player
All hyped up on your swagger and flirts
Not even noticing how many hearts you hurt
Jump like a rabbit from one girl to another
And to you we're all just faces, identical to each other
When Karma comes around looking for a friend
I'll call you
When love starts to twist your throat with no possible end
My dreams will come true
Don't hate the player, just hate the game
And now, to me, you're just another name
Just another jacked up, sugar-coated trap
Ready to call it quits the moment reality slaps
Can't stand to take the heat
Staring at your feet
Seeing your mistake
Knowing you're a fake
You took away an angel
Replaced her with a stranger
Leaving her high
In the sky
Without any wings
Voice too hoarse from sobs to sing
Rage overpowers me, replacing the weeping
Anger at myself, making feelings skin deep
Deceit has stitched itself into your mind
But revenge follows you closely behind
The passion I thought I once felt
Was my walls starting to melt
Slowly working your way into me
And I let you in, showed you things no one's seen
Then I saw you walk away
And I made up my mind that day
I locked away my heart, threw away the key
And brought it back out to prove
You don't control me anymore

The Other Side

Alright guys, so this is my new poem. It's not really new, but the style is very new to me. My friend Michael told me about different rhyming styles, and I became interested in this particular one, where the last word of one line rhymes with the first word of the next one. So, read it and think about it. It might be a little difficult to understand, but trust me, it all makes sense at the end :) Enjoy!

I open my eyes from an unending sleep
Weeping I find I cannot see
Needing comfort I curl into a ball
Stalling the death I know is to come
"One day," they said, "your life will end
Pretending won't make it last."
Faster my thoughts replay in my brain
Raining tears won't stop the inevitable
Stereotypical ending for a teenage rebel
Selling her soul to the pitch-black day
Saying, "I love you. Come closer to me.
See what I can do for you.
Soon I will take the world, soon it will burn."
Turning onto my back, I cried
High in the sky, a light started to grow
Knowing it was a bad idea, I tried to stand
Demanding to know what was going on
A fond voice broke through the dark with light
Mighty stitches of life started to spread
Threads shone cold black and happy gold
Molds of characters in my life sat on a shelf
Myself among them
Tens of gallons of tears and blood
Flooded from a bucket onto a robe
Supposing it was a towel, I started to walk
Talking to the strange man
Fanned out on the ground were brilliant white clothes
Both the salt and crimson
Did nothing to stain
Amazed, I looked at the Being who saved me
He said so many things, and all were wise
Surprised, I asked myself, "Who is this guy?!"
I AM WHO I AM he replied without pause
Caused by his distant stare, I glanced at his feet
Seeing a quilt like Iowa farmland
Not understanding, I asked what it was
"It's your life from the top," the man replied
Sighing, I said, "My life is a mess.."
Confessing my past, my tortured soul
Full of hatred and greed
Needing them to survive
Alive was to be dead, and dead to be peace
Piecing the puzzle together, he said,
"Death would make you separated from me
And seeing that would hurt more than I, myself, dying
Lying and stealing is what you do
But too many people don't mind
Finding me in the dark where I am not
I bought your soul back with my Son
One drop of His blood covered your sin
I'm winning the war between the devil and I
By showing you your life from the other side."

Prayer of the Sinner

Let me learn to love the unseen
Help me to forgive, to repent, to be clean
Give me the strength to carry on with my day
Give me peace in my mind, clear the disarray
Make my life as You want it to be
Full of love and joy, or test me with suffering
Let me feel Your presence, drown me in Your heart
Spare me from Your enemy, don't let us drift apart
Because I want to learn to know Your ways
And give myself to You and obey
I want you to be my first thought
Every morning and say I was bought
By the Superior God, no other can stand against
No other has Your army, because You're indeed the best
Satan only lies, he steals away Your own
Muhammad could only live so long, his words weren't engraved into stone
Buddha agrees with love, with happiness and joy
But he also seems to think that life's only a toy
But You have taught Your people that only You can save
And because the world's Your opposite, we must be consistently brave
People will not love us, because we don't love the world
And we don't need to follow society's rules, for we listen to Your word
Humans will always let us down, You've taught me that quite well
But I'm just starting to realize I need to leave my shell
I'd built up a castle, fortified, strong
But You ripped it down, because You know I was wrong
I'm meant to be a witness, to discourage misplaced love
I'm supposed to interpret symbols, like the olive branch and dove
It's hard to break out of here
When the outside world is my biggest fear
I don't want to be hated, to be told I'm wasting my time
How can I explain I'm Yours and You're mine?
No one seems to understand the relationship we share
And I guess that might be the legitimate reason speaking makes me scared
I'm a Jonah mixed with Moses, I can't speak to crowds
I'm not one of those outspoken girls, not afraid to speak aloud
I'm also really selfish, and I have a lot of hate
I don't want to share You with some girls, let them decide their fates
So help me, God, to be like You
And I'll be back in Heaven with You
I'll stand in the entrance to Your grand home
And kneel at Your feet as You sit on Your throne
And when that day comes, when the angels start to sing
You'll be waiting for me, the Light my death will bring

Love is Enough

When we were talking earlier today
I thought of something I should say:
I love everything you do
The way you smile, say, "I love you"
I love it when you touch me, it shows how much you care
I love it when you caress my arm, and when you play with my hair
I love it when you make me food; God knows I love to eat
I love it when you text me randomly, saying you bought a treat
I love how simple our love is, and how words cannot describe
What we feel inside
Our hearts are close to bursting, our lips tired from the kiss
Our memories are becoming full from all the images we don't wanna miss
So, my love, I'll be sweet, but only out of love
'Cause I love you, you love me, and love is always enough

Are You Serious?!

Alright, I'm going to vent. You have a problem? Leave.
So, Hayley made a duct tape prom dress this past year. She was on the news, in the papers, and constantly the topic of discussion in the entire Jacobs' family. Sue always told everyone how proud she was and how not everyone is that talented. Blah, blah, blah. I was proud of her too, until she became the favorite-again.
Betrenna's going to college-to be a vet. She's the innocent daughter who never does anything wrong. She's never smoked, had a drink, been in bad situations, nothing. She's like a nun. She's always at school, doing her work, being with her Christian friend and her not-so-Christian boyfriend. And she's such a beautiful violinist! Get over it. Out of 8 kids, 6 of them are beautiful violinists. Oh, well.
Then there's me. Yeah, yeah, I've had a pretty effed up past. I won't lie. But, I do well in school. I'm in the honors program, I excel in every class. All A's except for gym..I'm disabled, duh. But, alas, I'm the writer. My parents couldn't acknowledge me less about my writing. I don't even think my brothers and sister know. And, seriously, that hurts. No one really cares. I'm the quiet, angry child who sits on her computer typing up some dumb rhymes. Maybe I should stop and look for something more worth my time. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm done now. I'm going to shuck corn now.

My Dear, You'll Never Win

So I just found out some stuff that really, really upset me. So, after venting to James, I decided I should write about it instead of going on a rampage. Sorry if it makes no sense, but for those who have talked to me in the past few months should know what I'm talking about.

Who gave you the right to step into my life?
Slicing open my paper-thin walls with your machete knife
Ripping apart all that I love
When will you have had enough?
Don't you feel regret for the friendships you've killed
Or does it not matter how the rest of us feel?
Your constant presence, unwanted, yet here
Is exactly why you should shake in fear
Because you've waken a half
I thought I'd put to death
But now she's back, thirsty for blood
And you're her first target, aren't you, my love?
You're quite familiar with the demonic side of me
And I know you're not so stupid as to try to find pity
Within my own, the ones I've claimed
You can't touch them without giving yourself shame
Because I've encouraged the monster you've become
And I can tear you apart if I want
The anger inside me makes my body weak
And the best part is, it's YOU she seeks
So beware, my dear, your end shall come
And when it does, well, I'll be the last one
You see, when your life turns to shit
Worse than it is, at least, and more than a tad bit
No, your life will be cut with a rusty blade
And when it's over, I'll dance on your grave
Your friends will all run
When they hear me come
You'll hide in your bed
Like a child, instead
Of trying to fight me
Because trust me, dearie, you can't defeat me

I'm So Angry!

I'm sick of pretending everything's okay
When it's not
I'm sick of acting as if it's my fault
When I did nothing
I'm tired of fighting with you over the smallest things
And coming within an inch of my sanity
I'm going insane from your deception
Violent from my rage
Burning anger
Ticking like a bomb
Tick...Tick...Tick
I'm going to blow
And when my fist comes close to your face, you'll know
That every negative comment you've made about me
And every instigated argument
Has been forever in my memory
Permanently etched into my mind, repeating itself
"Abusive, violent, hateful, terrible"
It's a prophecy coming true
And I swear to you
When the bomb ignites
In the dead of the night
You better run and hide
For soon you might die
Of your own hatred, your greed, your hurtful "innocent" words
You're going to be the murderer, not me
You'll take your own life, or the life of your own
Your sister could be drowned in her own blood by now
And you're so stuck in your own world
You wouldn't have noticed a thing unless it was online
Or on your deceitful addiction's bed
And you wouldn't have noticed the cuts on my neck
Unless it had been on the tv screen
And even then, it wouldn't be me
It'd be the stranger in your house
Who shares your blood, eats your food
And 'wants to destroy you'

War

The white flag of surrender has just been shot down
The machine guns echo through the valley
Bloody bodies strewn across the battlefield
Memories forgotten
The past is brought up constantly
Twisted words make the good seem bad
And as our allies realize it's death for one
They quickly choose without thinking

Why is this battle even going on?
This war was supposed to end
No one else was supposed to get hurt
No friendship was supposed to die

This isn't the Fall of Jericho,
At least not with vegetables
This is a full-blown war, with weapons everywhere
Navy ships trying to surround each other
Chasing their enemies like a dog and a tail
Airplanes scream overhead
Drowning out the sound of dying men
Trying to shoot, be stealthy
Trying to be a spy, to find a weakness

And so far, I'm winning the war
But I'm not very proud of it
I don't like bragging I can ruin a life
With the press of a button
I don't want to face my friends back home
And have them reject me

This isn't the Vietnam War
Civil War
Revolutionary War
Iraq War
No, this is the Friendship War
Where relationships die
Where words are said that can't be retracted
Where threats are made that cause panic
This is the war without end

The Animal Inside

I sat down with a sheet of paper and a pencil for the first time in ages, wanting to describe this girl that had been running through my imagination. She was, in now way, familiar to me, but I felt as if I knew everything about her. And I had to write it down, try to put her into words. It was hard, but I hopefully got the main idea. Enjoy!


She reminds me of a wounded lioness
Don't get close or you'll die
And sometimes she's like Brooklyn's finest
As if she's better than you and I
But sometimes she's like a butterfly
Never settling down
Because when she lands for even a hand of time
Her world comes crashing down
You see, she's kinda like an elephant
Her mind will never forge
Whether impoverishment or elegance
She'll always remember it
She sees the world in black and white
Not a puppy's gray
Everything's always flight, not fight
And yet she always ends up in this exact place
Right here is where her childhood died
When Daddy screamed and Mommy cried
Then Mommy left, Daddy came at night
Heading for her sister, who she was sleeping beside
Turning her onto her back he sighed
And the little girl screamed and ran with all her might
And now she runs from any sign of danger
A frightened sparrow with a hawk at her back
And all the mothers in town warn of strangers
Thinking of the girl, afraid she'll attack
Because they don't see the angel wings
When all the want to find is horns
And they don't know the joy she'll bring
When she opens them up and soars

Crush

My feelings for you weren't from out of the blue
Repressed for months, they eventually broke through
Argue with me, say that I'm lying
But when you say you love another girl
My spirits start dying
So many things I wish I could say
But that would break all the laws that I've made
Two plus two is equal to four
But anger and anger just equal a war
I get too jealous, and so do you
And no matter what I say, it'll never be true
I've been laying in bed trying to stay away
But your voice is so addicting, impossible to throw away
Even if I could, I'm not sure I'd want to
I like hearing you say you'd always be true
And that no matter what I'd say or do
You'd call me every night and say, "I love you"

Remorse

If I could go back in time to three days ago
What I would probably find would rip out my heart and soul
The child in the backseat of the beat-up SUV
Was screaming for his mother, and reached his hand towards me
His sister's body lay on top of him, trying to save his life
I guess it worked, but not without a price
Her face was covered by long black hair, and blood was on her hands
I could still hear her screaming, "Stop!" but I was too drunk to understand
The child's father was in the driver's seat, and I hit them head-on
He was dead in an instant, they said, just like that-gone
The child sitting in the back of the car had a few words to say
Before the ambulance arrived and took the child away
He told me, in his delirium, that today they went to the zoo
And then he asked me in his child-like voice, "What did you do?"
What could I say to the sole survivor of a massacre
No matter how accidental, plain murder, I'm sure
How would I casually mention
My refusal for intervention
And how I thought I could heal alone
I'm not an alcoholic, I'm clean to the bone
I only have a drink every week or so
I never thought my actions would bring me down this low
The police came and took him
And said I needed to come with them
I told them the truth, no use hiding it
Because honestly, I wasn't able to hide it
I got the expected punishment for the deaths I caused
And during the jail time I sat down and just paused
Today I killed three people. Why?
Why did they have to die? Why not I?
I regret taking that swig of beer
And clearing away all the child held dear
So I lay down on my couch today
And think of what happened that day
That night when my world came crashing down
And that whole time I could only hear one sound
The sound of the dead, and the child that cried
The night his entire childhood died
I'm sorry

The Mansion

As I explored the universe inside my own self, I saw the remains of a once grand and beautiful mansion. The roof was caving in, and the windows were boarded up. The yard had skeletons of what used to be familiar, and the property-just the property-was in black and white instead of the vibrant colors I was used to. I strode up the cracked and broken sidewalk and stopped at the foot of the porch stairs.
The paint was peeling, the floorboards had moss and rusty nails covering them, and the railing all but disintegrated at my touch. I tip-toed across the porch and prepared to knock at the door Curiously, the door opened without any provocation. Stepping inside, I looked at the water stains running down the drab yet unmistakably obvious living room.
Pictures on the wall were hung askew, as if a mild earthquake had struck during the owner's absence. The fireplace was overflowing with ashes and soot, and the furniture was protected by dusty, moth-eaten, gray sheets.
Walking away from the haunting image, I walked straight into a darkroom. Hung from string criss-crossing the ceiling's edges were pictures of little children playing with sticks and wrestling in the grass. In another picture was a happy family with beautiful clothes and beautiful faces. As I kept walking through the room, there were pictures showing love, joy, contentment, unity, acceptance, and trust. Turning around the way I came in, however, the pictures were horrifically different.
From the back, the pictures took on a whole new look. No longer were the children laughing, no longer where they playing in the yard. The bruises that were covered by the little girl's clothes were prominent and gruesome. The boy's face was filled with longing and remorse, sadness and humiliation. Terrified, I rushed past the photo, only to run right into a more disturbing image.
A skeleton stood before me, arms in front of the body. The almost-transparent skin on the figure hung off in strips. Tear paths were red with dried blood. The young woman in the picture was looking straight at the camera, face void of emotion. Except her eyes. Oh, her eyes. They screamed pain more loudly than any person using amplifiers and microphones ever could.
Running out of the darkroom, I sprinted up the steps toward what looked like a bedroom. I threw open the door and cried. I knew without a doubt this room belonged to the young woman in the picture. Drug pipes and empty bottles covered the floor, and cigarettes and torn-apart razor blades were littered on the bed. I looked around, and a part of the wall near the floor was missing.
I looked inside the hole, and entered a dimly-lit room. Candles cast flickering images on the circular room's one continuous wall. Taking a candle, I walked closer to the wall and noticed there were messages etched into the plaster and wood. "They won't listen..Why won't they listen?!" "You're tearing this family apart!" "This is just a dream.." "Do I have to scream for you to hear me?!" "I need to escape. I need to die.."
I backed away from the horror-movie-type words and found myself in front of a door. Except it didn't look like a door. It looked like a safe, complete with a lock. I typed the password into the keyboard, and the safe creaked open with a shudder. Turning on the light, I gasped. I knew this room! This was my room! I hid my secrets, hopes, dreams, and loves in this room. There, on the wall, was a picture of Matt and I hugging. Next to that was a poem from James. Then, the lyrics to A Drop in the Ocean. I picked a paper up off the floor. It was the poem from Michael, telling me to stay strong. Under that, the letters from Jess. Along the far wall was a giant mural of everything I regret leaving. There's Cono and the Eby family. And Gramma and the girls. And Sharon and Brittany! And then I see the young woman- alive. No, wait. That's mirror. is that me? Is that what I look like? I started running down the stairs, out into the yard. Safely away from the mansion, I turned to look again..And screamed.
This mansion, this worn-down mansion..It's my heart.

Song for the Weary

I know you're crying out to me, I see it in your eyes
But I'll forever turn my head, though I can read your mind
You feel worthless, as if you're a grain of sand
And no matter how much you scream and yell, they just don't understand
You close your drawbridge, shutting out the world
But trust me, my love, you aren't stopping the hurt
It's surrounding your thoughts, like a corpse in a shroud
And like the deceased, you cannot speak aloud
You can't share your heart, for fear of the shame
You already know you're the one to blame
So you let the blood fall to the tiled bathroom floor
And hope that, in your dreams, you can make it to shore
Because, my darling, you're drowning, far out at sea
Your family and friends aren't always what you want them to be
The girls you go to school with will someday grow gray
The boys that may have hurt you aren't the same as they were yesterday
Your blade has turned black, like your hated for them
But, my dear, you'll need them in the end
They're the anchor holding you to the ground
For you'd be in space had they not been around
Your mind is still drifting through the blue sky
And your tears are still invisible no matter how you cry
You cannot change your past-just hope for a new day
And listen intently to what I'm about to say:
Let your dreams come softly at night
But when they're of love, don't put up a fight
Remember the stories you have been shown
For someday, my love, the life you save may be your own

Letter To A Soldier

I got a letter from a soldier today
Someone you’ve never met
But he’s a friend, or so I say
Please don’t be upset
I asked him to write to me
When he passed to Vietnam
All I wanted was brutal honesty
Don’t you understand?
Your letters home all say hello
And Mother doesn’t suspect at all
But I’m not a child, Brother, I know
The actual battle where dozens fall
He tells me about feeling like prey
And living in fear every day

Brother, I miss you, and your death I fear
I don’t want to see you die
And though it means you’d always be near
I refuse to let your body rot in the place where dead soldiers lie
I know about the insects that bite you in your sleep
The eyes watching in the night
I hear the neighborhood mothers weep
When the reality of the war comes into the light
Medicine cannot save the lives
Of the many fallen men
And peace is a dream I’ve come to despise
Because it turns to death in the end
I can’t continue to live like this
Dreaming of the bullets that somehow always miss

In my nightmares they hit their bulls-eye
Blood pouring out in crimson red
I see your eyes widen in shock and I cry
Because I know you’ll soon be dead
The enemy I see inside my dreams
Are black images in my mind
And when I see the blood, I know what it means
I can feel your body’s pain in mine
I know your final thoughts are of anger and rage
Upset that you can’t make this right
And your ferocity cannot be kept in a cage
Not with all of your might
This dream haunts me in my head
Like a nightmare that comes when I lay in bed


We got a letter from you today
Mother was almost in tears
She was so happy to open it and say
That you’ll be home next year
The letter drifted to the floor
And Mother fell to her knees
I grabbed it and ran to the door
Ready to burn it because I don’t want to see
I know what it says; you were brave
And if we need money, just call
But if money were the thing that could save
You, my brother, wouldn’t fall
I go to school shrouded in black
Because happiness won’t bring you back..

Teen Mom

I hate it when the sky is blue
And I lay in the grass but I all can think of is you
Of your voice, claiming your love
And telling me about the clouds above
Your fingers caressing my goose-bumped arm
The red lights were blinking, sounding an alarm
But I was too blind to notice the wrong
I was too focused on singing childish songs
I didn't believe it could happen to us
We're indestructible, so pure from lust
Our love was so pure, so eternal and true
So simple, all it took was, "I love you"
And I was hooked
That moment you took my nose out of my book
You'd spend the week at my place, staying in the guest room
My parents said they could trust you, and I did too
You never did anything wrong to anyone I know
So why did you betray us in our own home?
The bed was white, the blood was red
Except they didn't believe a word I said
"He's a good boy, child, you'll see
You and him were meant to be
You'll get over your fear of him
Just let your heart welcome him in
He's the one that will treat you right
The only one you'll find home at night."
They wanted me to commit myself
To the man who stole the last bit of myself
I can't be near the bed you stained
And anywhere someone knows my name
So tell my parents that I'm okay
And that I won't let my daughter end up this way

Tension

Note: I wrote this immediately after an argument with Jim, in which he basically told me he hopes God sends me to Hell, where I belong. My apologies if this makes no sense; I don't do well when I'm upset.

Your voice is fiery, your grip is like steel
I don't think I can escape- this agreement's been sealed
Our eternal battle has many years til it ends
I'll be surprised if we ever become friends
Our arms are locked in a power war
No victory yet, just bruises and sores
The broken mirrors, once showing my faults
Were transformed into a safe, my own little vault
The walls I was just taking down are erected once again
Higher, stronger, I'll never trust you again
The desert of my soul, scorched in love's thirst
Was moist for a while, before your lightning storms set ablaze the dirt
I'd thought we had love in our heart for each other, after five years of hate
But I see now that that particular hope is a waste
You won't change your 'superior' ways, and I won't change mine
We're on the edges of our sanity, overstepping the line
The bomb is ticking, Father, and it won't stop just because you demand it
Once it goes off, the dynamite will be lit
We'll start a nuclear fight, the Cold War reincarnate
Let's see what kind of havoc we can make
Hatred, selfishness, greed, and confusion
We can't keep reality separate from illusion
We've each deceived the opponent too many times
And when we snap, we don't realize what replays in our opposite's mind
I hear your regret, I, your ungrateful daughter
I know you wish I was more like, Betrenna, my elder
I hear your anger through the cellular phone
And I know you don't care if I end up alone

To My Father

How could I ask him to come see me
When your faces tell him to turn and leave
Before you even know his name
You see he's gay, and that he's unashamed
Your eyes scream DEMON before he walks in
Glaring him down, challenging him
How can I ask someone to go through that
Just to come inside and chat?

How can I ask her to drop on by
When you know we used to get high
Before you even hear her story
You tell her to "Scram!" and redeem your own glory
By ridding your home of all the sin
That I, your prodigal daughter, has brought in

Why am I expected to make him stay
When you judge him for the choices he's made
But, see, that his history, his past
He can't pretend to have a memory lapse
And ignore house arrest, the police cars
Checking up on him every few hours

This is a lesson the younger people teach
The older generations just want to preach
But that's not how you react to rape, abuse
You don't blame them for the drugs they've used
We've all made mistakes, some are wrong, some, right
But trust me on this, Dad, I'm not going to lose this fight.

What I'm Guessing Went Through Alea's Mind Last Night

The sky is covered in clouds of gray
And I look away from the phone because I know what you're about to say
You're ashamed of my actions, my sins of the day
And you don't know why I ended up this way

You did what you could to straighten my feet
Trying to shape me into what you wanted me to be
But I've been telling you to stop controlling me
Let me learn for myself, please.

I'm sick of our fights
The angry texts sent in the middle of the night
Preaching at me to just see the light
Well, m'dear, you can try with all your might

But you can't change me until I submit
You can't control my life, got it?
I know you love me and all that shit
But seriously, dude, you need to quit

We'll discuss this in the morning, when I'm actually awake
Just quit texting me, for out friendship's sake
Let me work on fixing my own mistake
And then, later, I'll listen to your take

Time Travel

If I could go back in time, rewind the clock
And see myself at thirteen
I'd see a foolish child that will do anything
To feel loved by a man

If I could talk to myself, the younger Brenda
I'd say, "You're most beautiful when you don't try
The day you look in the mirror and hate
Yourself is the day when you're loved the most.

"Your friends at this point will hinder your journey
At every peak of your mountains of success
They'll be there with shovels and saws and drills
Trying to slowly, subtly, wear you down.

"During your travels through the valleys of sorrow
Look at the jungles surrounding you
Admire the beauty within your pain
And sing the cougars to a tranquil sleep.

"On your climb to the top of understanding yourself
You'll encounter monster after monster
And each of them will inflict scars
But you will win the war, although lose many battles./

"You will face your biggest fear and
Be forced to kill it or let it kill you
You'll discover things about life, love, and pain
That you'll never be able to forget.

"But when you learn how to be a modern-day Hector
Being wise about battles and different strategies
You'll gain a new understanding toward
Your enemies and see the deception of your friends.

"You'll reject the God you once thought you knew
The hateful deity that considered you trash
You will fear God out of self-preservatiuon
Building walls of Jericho around yourself.

"You will gamble with Lucifer, the Father of Lies
Dancing on the edge of his fiery home, teasing his demons
Flirting with death, disease, and destruction
You'll almost lose your soul to Hell.

"But the people you'll meet during the next few years
Will be the anchor you will cling to
The encouragement and support they'll give
Will be the foundation of your recovery.

"So trust their opinions and believe in their love
You'll need both in the long run."
I'd look my younger self in the eye
And then turn and walk away.

Not To Preach, But.....

What will it take to make you understand
You have the entire world in the palm of your hand
But you're letting it run through your fingers like a thousand grains of sand
Refusing to obey even the simplest command
You procrastinate your duties, you refuse to expand
Your knowledge of the world from which you demand
Everything. You're like a tumorous gland
A leech in the water, a parasite on land
Sooner or later, Alli, no one will be able to stand

You-including your closest friend
You'll find yourself alone in the end
Unless you stop your manipulative trend
No one can help you, unless you're willing to mend

Your broken past with a needle and thread
And start doing what your conscience has said
I'd hate to see you wind up dead
With a heroin needle by the side of your head
Prostituting yourself in your futuristic bed
This is the path my feet have tread
Doomed to end up where my rebelliousness led

The dead end is near
Yet your ignorance still shows no fear
Am I not speaking loud enough for you to hear
These words I'm screaming into your ear

I'm passing on lessons learned through my own pain
But you still seem oblivious to me calling your name
I thought at one time that we were the same
But that was when reality came
And bestowed upon me the burden of my shame

Humiliation for what I've done
But my recovery's begun
And even though you're still hiding from the sun
I know, if you tried hard enough, we could heal together, as one.

Update on My Recovery

It's hard being the rebel trying to turn her life around. Especially when the person you trust the most talks about you to boys, saying you're a crazy bitch and she hates you. It's hard to not grab my blade (which I still have to throw away) and just hurt myself the way I used to. I sometimes get sick just looking at the food put in front of me, because of that little voice in my head saying I'm too fat to eat it. Then, when I'm alone in my room, I have to listen to my music as loud as I can-just to keep myself from crying and screaming. I let the music scream for me. My hands shake when I'm upset, more than they ever have. They're shaking right now, actually. It's a miracle I can type. But the worst part is the anger, the rage. The cigarettes are still within easy reach, and so is the blade. The drugs are right down the block, just calling out to me in the dead of night.
When I hear my 'best friend', my little sister, ask my old supplier for weed. It's hurtful to read messages (yeah, I know; invasion of privacy-oh well) to someone not worthy of her, telling him I'm insane and she wants nothing to do with me. And it kills that she doesn't care. It literally kills me to sit there and just watch her destroy her life-just so she can feel accepted.
It hurts. A lot. And I'm not saying I'm going to go back to my old habits, I'm just trying to relay how hard this is.
That's my update as of April 20th, 2011. Day 10

To My Unborn Daughter:

I'm sixteen years old, which implies that I'm a stupid teenager
But I know I love you already
I know I mess up every time my heart beats
But always remember you weren't unwanted-shocking, but loved
You're beautiful, and you'll never be anything less
I haven't seen you yet, haven't felt your heart beat
But I know how much potential you already have
Don't listen to the demons following me around
Stick your tongue out and laugh at their miserable faces
That's what I do

I know that every parent-to-be wants a better life for their kids
And I know, if you're at all like me and my fathers
You'll blow off my warnings and want to learn by experience
But, my daughter, I'm going to warn you anyway

Boys will be stupid, that I can guarantee without a doubt
Girls can be mean and like to feel like they're the best-but that doesn't mean they are
Disobeying your parents can be bad, but can be good for you
Otherwise, you'll never learn consequence
Lying is bad, because trust me, I'll find out
I'm a good liar when I want to be, and I'll see through yours

No matter what my mood is, no matter what I say
Or don't say
I love you, I'll always love you
And no matter what you do, I'll still love you
You're stuck with me, daughter
Just know I'm here for you.