The 100 Years' War

You wanna play dirty, let's see how this goes
Keep walking around like everyone knows
You're so innocent and I'm such a hypocrite
When I've tried my hardest to make myself perfect
I mean, let's face it, I've done more here
Than I've ever done in the past, and you can't even hear
Me speak my feelings, can't even think to ask
How I feel when you insult my body
My mind, my intelligence, I'm sorry
When did we stop trying out maturity?
Coulda sworn you'd told me you loved me
Yet I'm still getting blamed for every little thing?
It's not my fault you can't learn balancing
You can hate me all you want, hell, yell at me
Do it again, since that's all you've been doing
I'm not sure if you know what I'm saying,
But you're definition of love is fucked up
It's so messed up to love me one second and scream the next
And for what? Because of my friends?
I'm not defending you when they're speaking truth
You cheated, no trust here, and I do feel used
Not like you listen when I tell you this foolishness
But yeah, I don't like being at fault for every thing I do
I'm sorry I'm not a goddess incarnate, I only imitate perfection
And I suck at it, but hey, at least I can get your attention
True, it's the wrong one, but beggers can't really choose
It's okay, cuz if I get pregnant, I know it'll be from you
Because I haven't cheated, believe it or not
I'm the one who's been faithful, see what I've got?
It's called dignity, I learned my ways, I noticed it was wrong
Now you write on your wall I'm shit? Dude, so wrong
I've treated you like a god, some deity
When you've acted like I'm a skeleton, not worthy for your feet
But who tries to change a love when it's to be unconditional?
And who is so blind that they throw away traditional?
Honestly, you were perfect at the beginning of this shit
But now? You fuckin' terrify me, and I'm sick of it
When you get mad, hell yes I'll shut down
I'd rather not say anything when Hyde is around
Because you act like the father that left me, so angry
Full of rage, because of her, it can't be because of me
I mean, it could, but that's kind of impossible
Because throughout all this, whether you believe it, it's possible
That you haven't gotten over her, you still want her, and I'm nothing
Nothing more than a crutch to use when you need help to walk
Nothing more than a number to dial when you need someone to talk
Or a body to keep your bed warm on these depressing winter nights
You need someone to hold you close when everything falls apart tonight
But my heart, does it have any say in the matter?
You promised me that it would get better
Promise is broken, yet again
But I'm so tired of fighting a battle that's never gonna end

Kiss Me Goodbye

There's a fog over my eyes,
As your lips find their way to mine
And everything's perfect for the moment
The smoke extends to my body
Seems to happen alot, he
Is perfect for the moment,
But the moment crashes downward spiral
It's always better for a while
It's perfect in the moment..
But now the second, it's over,
I'm back to being a controller
For some dumb video game
You think it's okay to just
Waltz on my spirit like it's just
A plank on a bridge but it's not just
Something to be taken so lightly, so take away everything
I've worked so hard to be
Guess it's my stupidity that's brought me so low
Or my naivity that's showing you it's okay to be no one
You think I fucked him, okay, we'll see the truth in your reason
Steam escapes from my mouth as I struggle to breathe in
You take my breath away,
Just not in a good way
I did nothing wrong, but yet you yell for so long
You think I'm a shitty lady, say I'm a shady lady
But here I was throwing myself away
For you, I did everything
Defended you, everything
I forgave you, every time
Too scared to write the rhymes
Too terrified to write down the truth
'Cause I'm just so scared of you
But I know you can control me, use her against me
You see, this is killing me, to not write this down
Even though it can piss you off, I gotta write this down
I'm not sure I'm entirely in control
Of myself, you do that quite well,
Controlling my emotions, while unleashing yours
I just wish you could see that you hurt me with words
And I'm afraid of you half the time, when you mean to hurt
Because it kills my whole being, bits at a time,
And I don't know who I'll end up as, but kiss me goodbye.

I'm Not Alone

Every time I need someone to hold me
Every time I lose my sight
You always know where I am
And hold me through the night

When my world comes crashing down
When no one knows where I can be found
I just look at you, you see right through the storm
And I know that I'm not alone

I owe you my life every time
You save me from myself in the night
Like the ocean is held by the moon
How much I wanna be close to you

When the light's disappeared
And the night's taken over
When I can no longer hear
My thoughts drift to you, oh

When my world comes crashing down

When no one knows where I can be found

I just look at you, you see right through the storm

And I know that I'm not alone

You've been the dream of my nightmares
Your touch calms down the monsters
Inside of me, that I can't see
You're the nicotine I need
See you there, everywhere

When my world comes crashing down
When no one knows where I can be found
I just look at you, you see right through the storm
And I know that I'm not alone

I Won't Give Up

You shine brighter than anyone here
I see your light across my face, you're near
Even when you're far away, across time and space
As I wait for your return
I see you in my dreams at night
So real, so vivid, it's like
A thousand fireworks all shot at once
Like BOOM BOOM BOOM, hear that shot?
It's like a prick of my finger to make sure I'm awake
Or trying not to sprint down the aisle on our wedding day
You're like a million memories all dumped onto one man
Like a morning tidal wave crashing against the sand
I wonder who this angel is, all embodied into perfection
Who's in charge of this arrow of love, pointing to your direction?
It's very insistent, consistent, unrelenting
Not letting us go, but not condescending
Ascending into the heavens, you know we're flying high
When the ground's so far below us, each by each other's side
With our hands intertwined
And our babies on our minds
We've carried on so far along
You're on my brain, in my song
And I wouldn't dream of anything else
Because your light is my sun,
And at night I need one
I need your body to reassure me
That there's no way I'm dreaming
I need my blanekts being stolen
And my french fries crisp and golden
I love the diapers in the morning, angry baby for waking up
But I love it all, I won't fall, and I sure won't give up

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

So, I'm getting married! Just in case you're not my friend on Facebook or I haven't called you freaking out. Anyway, I'm super excited to marry Brian, and I feel like he'll be a great husband to me. I'm going to do my best to be a good wife and mother, too. Anyway! Here's just a little tidbit of the thoughts going through my head over the weekend.

-Oh my god, I gotta wear a dress. Damn...
-Dude, I want to wear Converse with my dress.
-Who's gonna be my bridesmaids?!
-Brian, the bridesmaids don't wear white. I WEAR WHITE.
-Evee's going to look so precious!
-Good gosh, are we gonna have a house by then?
-Think Evee will mind me marrying her daddy?
-What if I have a baby boy before then? He'd be so cute as a ring bearer!
-Stop, Brenda. Focus. School, then babies.
-This is such a pretty ring! GIMME.
-Hmmm, I want to incorporate Evee onto the cake..
-Agh! Engagement photos! Damnit!
-Brian, love, change your damn relationship status >.<
-Should I dye my hair red again? Or let the brown come back?
-I hate my hair brown..
-ERMAGERD! I like that word.
-Breathe, you idiot.
-I want Mr. Eby to be my preacher!!!
-Dude, I have three fathers. Who's walking this kid down the aisle?!
-Wow, Dad. Sure wish you'd answer your stupid phone.. Not like I'm engaged or anything..
-NO HEELS.
-We can be penguins!

I've been crazy..Just to clarify some of this. But yeah, I'M GETTING MARRIED!

Letter From Hayden

Hey Mom, I see you standing there
I see the wind gently blowing your hair
You're looking for me, off in the distance
And I know what you're thinking, in this instant
Well, I want you to know we're doing just fine
Jesus plays with us, and he tells us of times
When you cried because I came to Heaven
And Gypsy followed me, I know you didn't send us
I want you to know I love you too
I read every letter you write, every video too
I hear you singing to the skies at night
And I want you to know we listen every time
We're the stars that come out when your heart's hurting
We're trying to comfort you, and I know you heard me
When I whispered 'I miss you' in your dream
And you know, Gypsy sounds like you when she sings
She's singing to you, can you hear the soft ringing?
I see you standing on the edge of that cliff
Hoping you're not planning on entering the abyss
Because then I can't see you, can't feel your presence
And that's all I want, is to just know you're essence
I want to know you, love you
We're just calling to say we miss you

Mama, I've Decided That I'm Gonna Die In May

Mama, I've decided that I'm gonna die in May
That way, when you bury me, the skies won't be gray
And the sun will shine when it comes time
To set me in my sleep, my soul will see death's harsh beauty
Lying in my grave

I know my death won't be a surprise
To all who've lived and all who've died
Their bodies rest in cold-hearted stone
Their faces crinkled in Father Time
So cruelly twisted to maintain life
And all the tales within all the lies

Mama, you'll see me lying there
Green eyes closed, red flaming hair
But Mama, don't you dare start to cry
Because I'm still here, and I'm just fine

Mam, please remember all the things you forgot to say
Like, "Baby girl, you look so beautiful today"
Don't forget to live your life
And come visit me sometimes
But remember, they all need you, so you gotta stay

Tell me you'll look up in the sky
And pretend the stars are alive
And miracles come true in nursery rhymes
But love exists, remember this, and kiss my face goodbye

I've Loved You All Along

I've followed you with open arms
Embraced your heartbreaks with a breaking heart
Staying strong for your sake
When all I want to do is break

Just let me shatter on the ground
So I can figure what pieces need to be found

I've loved you
And I've carried you home
So many times, I don't even know
I've held you
Gripped your hand when you needed me to
I've been your shoulder, my turn's over
Hold me now

I've let you sit in my arms
As we balance on the cliff, I fall without you
I've sacrificed my life for you
When all I want to do is run away from you

Just let me drop, let me shatter on the ground
Let me go so I can get away, you know

I've loved you
And I've carried you home
So many times, I don't even know
I've held you
Gripped yoru hand when you needed me to
I've been your shoulder, my turn's over
Hold me now

I've given you everything
I let you have all of me, every part of me
I've been your anything
I want you to see this honesty

Ranting Time!!!

My personal rant about a girl named 'Rosie' :)

Heaven

Hey baby, I know you're watching me
And I just wanted to say I love you, see
You have a new baby brother or sister, and he's
Coming to Heaven soon, and I need
You to watch over him or her because I can't
I wish I could be your everything, but I know
You're keeping a scope on me and Daddy
And even though this baby isn't the same as you
I want you to treat them like you do
Because you have the same Mommy, and that makes you blood
You have to love each other well, because I'm not up
There, as much as I want to be
Now, I want you to stand where you are and see
Him or her when she or he comes through those gates
I want you to welcome your new baby sibling into Heaven

I Can't Even Think, Yo

I can scream forever it seems
You still will never hear me
Your ears are sewn shut
While your mouth opens up
To place the blame on me
And everything I pretend to be
I can only do so much, actually
I can run a thousand circles
And still end up here
I can steal a thousand souls
And only want you near
Because I'm so tired of fighting
Always, constantly, a never-ending fight
And I still am the one at fault
But what all have all these souls bought
Nothing's doing me any good
I'm still stuck in this rut of obedient girl
And I miss being free, being the girl who I was
I love you so much, but you're controlling me
Your constant accusations about the cheating
The texts you must read, the calls you must check
The spying you do when I'm not in bed
Honestly, I'm being honest
I haven't seen another man
I have eyes for only you, don't you understand?
I want you, just you, and I'm sorry

Didn't Mean Shit to You

There's a fine line between love and hate
Such a shame you hacked through it with my rusty old blade
And you threw away everything for your easy lay
So now I get to dance upon your grave
I get to sit there and laugh at you
At all the stupid things you'd do
If you could see me right now, you'd laugh too
Because I'm making faces at the gravestone

And it's sad to see that we were nothing
But at least I got out while I was something
Now you're dead and gone, I've carried on
Without you, I am better
And it's sad to say we had it all
Then you let everything fall
With all the shit we went through
I guess it didn't mean shit to you

I save a seat for you in church
In case you ever show, so I can
Radiate the hatred that I feel for you
And yes, I've been SO over you
But not the things you put me through
Because you have yet to tell the truth
I guess he didn't mean shit to you

So what's it take to see through the haze?
And what'll make you look my way
Cuz I got a finger up just for you and
At the same time I'm yelling, "Hey! Fuck you!"
You'll never even understand
What I went through while you were being screwed
So no, I'll never be over this
But I'm SO over you

Me Rambling About My Excitement On Being A Model!

I'm a freaking model, dude!

Her

I remember the day I met you
And how it felt when you held me in your arms
I remember when you said, "I love you
And I just want you to be mine"
Now it's been a little while,
And I'm starting to see how this plays out
It'll start out all nice and slow
Because that's the way this kind of stuff goes
All loving words and cuddled firsts,
Enveloped inside the lies
She creates a world unspoken
Unleashing anger never known before
She hides the truth under desperate pleading
Always pleasing others with her legs spread wide
And when she knows we're staying
That's when she starts saying you're not mine
You're hers, you're cheating, I wasted my time
She says I sleep around, she'll kill me
But she has yet to act on it, she doesn't know me well
Now our love grows quicker, more permanent
And as it solidifies, she grows desperate
Her world is shaking, we're making it quake
With our determination to stay
Now we're still together, still say forever
As we wait for the white lace to follow

Every Day

Uhm, just to clarify, I really don't miss anyone. I was thinking about tattoos in gym today and then the lyrics started out about Hayden, but since I need to get over that, I turned it into a breakup song.

I got a new tattoo last Saturday
Before you left, it says your name
I loved it, now I want it to fade
Like my spirit when you walked away from me
You could have looked behind you
And seen my eyes see through you
I know you never thought you'd have to
Be the one to leave me without you

I look at the rain pouring down my face
Staring into the mirror of the lake
Water rippling as the tears fall mixed with the hate
But I miss you every day

Sometimes I look through old photos of
Us and what we considered love
But now I can see we're wearing thin
Strings holding together like it's a sin
And whenever I smoke a cigarette
I see your face and want to forget
In the dark I see your silhouette
So as I lay here on the bed where we slept

I look at the rain pouring down my face

Staring into the mirror of the lake

Water rippling as the tears fall mixed with the hate

But I miss you every day

I'm staring at the water, watching it turn black

Wondering how much it costs to turn time back

How much must I sacrifice to take the hands

And move them counter just to have another chance?

The Invisibility Effect: Anger

The video timed out before I could finish showing you the pictures!! Anywho, this is about anger :) ENJOY!

You Need to Leave

Liar, liar, pants on fire
As you choke me, your grip gets tighter
You mock me, thought I was a fighter
So you burn me with my own lighter
I'll through  this, I might or
Might not, doesn't exactly matter to you if I fight or
Not, you got what you came for
And if beauty's a gift, take it back
Because beauty equals men and
Men equals strength and
Strength equals rape and
Rape equals pain
I didn't want this, didn't sign up for this
In fact, I still have scars on my wrist
From when I clenched you pen in my fist
And the tip, it cut me, drew my blood
As it fell into the mud
I'd created with my own tears
Because I've loved you for all these years
And held your hand when you felt fear
Yet you still hold me here
And all I want is to leave you
But I'm honestly too scared to
You hurt me again, so who's to say
You'll be any different than yesterday
I've learned myself that those you change
Are just the same person with a new name
I would rather suffer in silence
Not letting you know how much your violence
Scares me, there's not way you'd understand
Because I can't put this into writing
All I know if I'm sick of fighting
When will the ground rise to me
Instead of me falling on my knees?
When will I eat from the tree
Of deadly poison and be let free?
Freedom's all I want, you see
To look around and find no enemies
So you need to leave
Because you're the one thing haunting me

Tomorrow, Today

I've always been afraid of heights
And like Snow White, poison apple bites
But mostly I'm afraid of falling
As I descend, you wont hear me calling
I'll just keep going faster and faster
And then, when at last I land
I'll sit there crying, alone again
Because you're above me, staring down
Looking at me underwater, watching me drown
And you'll stay there, dry, on dry ground
But you'll leave me there shivering in the water
Broken, like after the man who shot her
Shot my dreams as if you knew
What they were to start with, you
Have no say in what I do
And all I see is only a few
Of your thoughts, muddied up too
Many times, invisible mind
Frankly, I'm sick of saying I don't mind
As if this piece of life I have is mine
When you took everything away from me, every time
Along with every lyric, every rhyme
Every single word, every fine line
Like the one I'm walking on
The one I'm falling from
The one I can't erase
And I just want to stop this race
Want you to turn your face
And see me. Do you see me?
Do you hear me calling your name?
Because I'm just so sick of all these games
I'm so tired of playing
Quit playing me
I'm afraid of memories
Always dread remembering
The past is the past, inside of me
Kept down hidden deep within me
Where, pray tell, is your history?
Kept in a jar, in the dirt?
Hidden along with the faces you've hurt?
Perhaps you may feel no regret
Yet, in fact, some of us cannot forget
Try as we might
We lose our own fight
Though your true self has been brought into the light
Into our sight
But we remain blind
As we lead each other into fires
As we tear ourselves down, only to get higher
And higher, and higher still
But I'm falling again
Wear a mask again
Wear a persona, call it whatever
But I'll wear it forever and ever
Just like the rest of you
Seeing through you
But I can't see
My own enemy
She's falling into her own grave
As my entire being tries to save
Her, us, one and the same
Sacrifice tomorrow instead of today

Done With Brie

As soon as I remember, I want to forget
Hand me the whiskey, so that I can numb it
I want to pretend it
Never happened, though it haunts me
Claw out my eyes, Hayley
So I can't see
This memory
Stuck in my ind
The one thing that was mine
I'm sick of crying
Tearing open my heart to tear him out
Beatrayed me, he raped me
There, I said it
Now can I forget it?
Always denying it, can't be me
Must've been the whore called Brie
You know, she lives inside me
Kinda like she's a part of me
But I want her away, she
Gives me a bad reputation, she
Calls it rape to deal with it, I
Want him back, but he
Dosn't like Brie, he's
Done with me..

It's A Miracle

I'm waiting for you to notice
I drink every day, it's
Not as entertainment, it's
To numb the pain, forget what he did, it's
Been haunting me ever since
That night, I just want you to care
This isn't who I was back there
This new me, I hate her too
Always has a drink in hand, you
Have yet to notice the juice
Mixed with vodka, you
Must be blinder than you used
To be, your eyesight must be failing you
Because Monster's not yellow
And I've never been mellow
Idiot, you can't hear me bellow
My need for help, though I scream
In my head
Out loud I said
"Help me now"
I can't even scream, this silence is so loud
I miss being at home in the cloud
I only came down because I saw your frown
Disappointment evident in your face
Yet you hurt me, forgot my name?
Who am I, love? Who is this?
This girl cowering under blankets like some pathetic bitch
Who can't even be honest for fear of your hits
You're breaking what's already broken
Saying things better left unspoken
As the ground sways
The alcohol blurs my days
Look at me, the girl you made
Burned, no one wants me
No one will believe me
You fucking killed me
And I'm not even dead
After everything you said,
It's a miracle, eh?

I'm Fine.

I have died every second I've been alive
Every minute I breathe, I wish I had died
Every time I wake up, I want to sleep again
And dream of you before the truth shows its face again
I live in the dark because you put me here
You used me, left me, now refuse to hear me speak
Well I'm speaking out to myself, right here, right now
I know well by now I'm not worth your affection
Or anyone's, but hey, at least they aren't paying any attention
At least I can disappear in a different direction
No one notices a shadow girl, slowly dying
Now one hears me in my world, silently crying
I can starve all my lonesome self
I don't even need your help
You broke me, hurt me
Raped me, killed me
But I can't die again, I'm the undead
I am inside the words that you said
I am the memory burning inside your head
And I hate you with each passing breath
But I love you at the same time
And I'll lie on my back and pretend it's all fine
I'll look at Death's eyes and you'll look at mine
And see the nothing that reflects my soul
Empty, broken, missing; you stole
My spirit, the fire in my eyes
It burned so hot, but I didn't set fire
Except with my blade, my only desire
Is to feel, to know if I'm dead yet
Or if I can drink enough to forget
Can I take enough pills to be numb to what I let
Happen? And what about the food I reject?
And the little I eat but then go and vomit?
Or the nights where I sit in the dirt
Crying, replaying the times you hurt me
I get I'm not beautiful, okay?
I get that I'm hideous, every day
I understand I need makeup to cover what I say
I need to stick to my lies
I never cry
I don't need you, I'm fine
I'm fine.

Too Far Away

I'll fall asleep tonight and dream of you
Think of how I loved everything about you
How you made me feel alive
And how I feel now that you've died
But at least you'll always be in my head
And I'll replay every word you said

And I'll see you in my midnight memories
Always calling you with the heart you gave me
I don't even mind that it's not real
I don't care if you don't feel anything, everything
Is possible in my dreams

I put some roses on your imaginary grave
And I stood there and thought about how I wish I could save you
Though you're gone, I'll pretend you'd never leave
Though you left, I can pretend you're as perfect as in my dreams

You're only a dream away
Close enough to love, far enough to feel
Long enough to miss, far enough to heal
You're much too far away

Cry of the Abused

So this is love, mmmm, so this is what I've always dreamed of
So why does it hurt me?
Why does it sting?
As the sound of impact starts resonating
As my face turns red
As you pull away your hand
You've left your mark on me again
And I'm running out of lies again
You can only fall so much
To get injuries as displayed as such
I can't imagine a life without you
So I stay, though I know it won't be any good, get better
Because every word I say turns into a bunch of letters
Every torn T-shirt lying on the floor
Every alcoholic beverage, I've always wanted more
You're nicer when you're drinking
Probably because you're not thinking
And that means I can easily lie
That I love only you forever, and you love only me
And you're done hitting me
Though I know you're not, I like to pretend
That really, all of this is about to end
Is it finished yet, have I bruised enough?
They say I love you, well, too much
That I don't deserve this, but they don't see
How your marks are merely playing with me
This is how you show you love me
I'll suffer through a couple scars
Couple bruises, becase scars
Are nothing in comparison to
Lying with you at night, next to you
Arms around me, you hold me so tightly
Kiss my neck, kiss me lightly
We boasted love for so many years
And I have loved you for a thousand years
And I've been here to fight your fears
But I fear you
I've never been frightened of you
Yet I cringe when you
Raise your hand, I fear when you
Come near, and that scares me even more

What A Stupid Child

Who are you to determine 'right'
When you can't live by your own high
Standards, you keep fucking it up and it's
Starting to reek like your constant bullshit
The stench starts to daze me
Make me nauseous
I blame you for all the causes
And effects, and you blantant disrespect
Because you don't know me
You don't know my history, my meaning
Do you?
You've got your past, and I've got mine
But I didn't cause this fight,
I didn't start this war,
But I know who I'm fighting for
I'll fight fo everything opposite you
And if you want to join my side, do it
Because I'm on the team of morals
Not the team of drunken florals
And wasted nights partying hard
Just wait til you're alone in the bar
Who's gonna take you home, love?
Who's gonna carry you around when you're drunk
When you can't even stand up to fall back down
You'll be on the ground, are you shocked now?
Because I'm sick of your dumb, idiotic lies
And you can consider this me saying 'goodbye'
We're all done fighting, you idiotic child
So walk away slowly, disappear for a while

Now Watch Me

See, here's the thing
I can be alone, I can imagine a ring
No secret ties, no hidden lies
Just a plain old band for myself and I
And I can sing a song in tune,
I can fill up an empty room
With art and the sound of music
But I never thought I'd have to
Looks like you proved me wrong,
So I had to rewrite song and say
I can do this on my own, baby
Now watch me
I deserve so much more
Than what you could have given me for
You sold me out. watched me drown,
Walked away as I sat there on the ground crying
Bawling because I knew I'd lost
The battle I'd been fighting for far too long
But this has been over for years, right love?
When did you stop caring?
When did you decide to cut me off, no goodbye
No final word, just 'He would have my eyes'
But that would mean you believe in me
Which can't be true, even though you know he's yours
And so was I, but we both deserve more
Hayden's memory is something I'll fight for
Because I'm done fighting for you
And he deserves the best in death
Not a father that demands proof
And I'll sing to him his lullabies
I'll look at the sky every night
And pretend I see his starry eyes
While you stay in the basement, hiding
Cowering in the corner, with your protector shielding
You from the burning truth: You had everything,
Now we don't deserve someone like you.
See, I've got someone with which to start anew
And Hayden's my baby, but I can love two
And I've loved him since day one, unlike you
Now watch me walk away,
Notice how I'm done as of today
Go make more unwanted children, while I'll want mine
Because I can do better, we'll both do just fine.

Hush Little Baby

Hey, I'm writing you a letter
Hey, I'm hoping it gets better
'Cause you're all that's on my mind
Hey, I search the sky for you
Hey, do you look for me too
'Cause I'm never very hard to find

Because I'm lying here, staring straight
At Paradise, who stole you away
And I'm lying in the grass tonight
Singing to you, your lullaby

Hey, I scream at you sometimes
Even though I know the fault's all mine
But I still feel like I'm missing my soul
Hey, I sing you songs sometimes
Hey, you're inside every rhyme
And I think of you when I feel alone

Because I'm lying here, staring straight

At Paradise, who stole you away

And I'm lying in the grass tonight

Singing to you, your lullaby

Hush little baby, don't say a word

Mommy's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing

Then mommy's gonna sing instead

It's Crazy, How Crazy I Am For You

Dedicated to my boyfriend, Brian Hammer. Babe, you've opened my eyes to a whole new world, filled with possibilities. I love you and Evee so much! I can't wait for the future; I'm so excited to see how our interesting relationship dynamics play out!

Tomorrow marks month one,
And I still remember that one sentence
"Hey, I gotcha something"
And I pulled out two bracelets, matching
I <3 My BF and vice versa, and we wore them
And we lost them, and we find them
Then we do it all over again
And I love it
I love that everything's so simple
Even when it's complex, because a single
Fight can be fixed, we can clean any mess
One cigarette later, and we stare
We glare, and we kiss
And when we kiss, I melt
I forget the floor's beneath me and I fall
Like I keep falling for you, I pray I never stop
Because I can live in this abyss, as long as our end's at the top
Unattainable, even if we wanted it
This so-called blindness made me see so clearly
How obvious this was meant to happen, I see it now
Even if we don't last forever, we'll have known life together
Because it's been pure Heaven, all wrapped up in hugs
And I go crazy when you say you love me
Because I've never known a love like this
It's crazy, how crazy I am for you
And let's stop time for awhile
Let me just enjoy your smile
Because it's not often I make people very happy
And to know I'm what you want is unbelievable
I never thought it'd be so achievable
To be the one who wakes up lying in your arms
It's like a Hollywood movie, really
Fall asleep in embrace, wake up in that same place
And it's crazy, how crazy I am for you
So take another sip of this
Because it's only been a month of this,
And I'm anxiously awaiting the rest of this
Because it's crazy, how crazy I am for you

Hayden's Song

When I look up in the night sky

I swear I see your eyes staring back at me

Through the stars, I see you there

You know I miss you and I cry sometimes

And think of where you are

But I know you’re happy in Heaven, baby

And I know you’re watching me

Are you standing there, hands in prayer

Do you wonder what it would have been like to be here

Because I love you and I know you

Are my guardian angel

Sometimes I lie here and think about what you would do

If you were lying with me and I held you

Would you have my eyes

What would your cries sound like

God, give me another chance

I swear I’ll do it differently

I can be what he needs, my eyes are open now

And I can see exactly what I’m supposed to be

But I know you’re happy in Heaven, baby

And I know you’re watching me

Are you standing there, hands in prayer

Do you wonder what it would have been like to be here

Because I love you and I know you

Are my guardian angel

I swear to you, I’ve realized the truth in this

I’ve never felt this emptiness before and it’s

Killing me inside, nowhere else to hide

Come inside, come back to me now, please

Baby...

Fooled Me

I've always know a different world
Where everyone went by their word
But this realm is so different than what I expected
I thought beauty was everywhere
Found in the trees, and in clear air
But I was fooled, and people aren't exactly
What I thought, I thought so wrong
I thought we'd all just get along
But that won't happen anytime soon, will it?
Just forget it.

You Shine Brighter

I'm not used to this isolation again
You drew me an image of desolation
With a hint of imagination, you brought me to life
And you colored all the whites and grays
You stayed in the lines,
Staining every line of tears
That fell, you wiped before they left my face
And you held me there, in a closed embrace
"I'll never let you go"
You swore to never let go
So don't
Because you're all that's keeping me afloat, from
Running back to the pain I just left, and I
Just really suck at adapting to new
Situations alone, we can share a home
I'll play the mommy, you've been the daddy
Just let me take care of you, you and Baby
I can be whichever you want
Just stay, don't make me leave, because
I'm starting to fall faster than ever before
I'm hoping you're going to keep the door locked
And sealed airtight, so I won't feel the cold night
We'll lie there under the blankets on the bed
Saying the things we'll never leave unsaid
Because if you never say 'I love you'
Then love is meaningless, and life becomes colorless
Black and white pictures are only pretty in the light
And color boost makes your face a pale white
When we all know your colors shine brighter than anyone
You shine brighter than anyone I know

Everything But Us

So what am I supposed to do
When all I do is think of you?
And what am supposed to say
When all I want is for you to stay
But I know you're leaving and it kills me inside
Because I just want to stay just one more night
Do you remember that one day in September
When you said you'd always stay here in my heart
And I've forgiven, this life that I've been given
As long as you hold my hand as we sleep and never part

Let's just lie here under the stars
Let's just forget everything that we have to deal with it,
We'll deal with it tomorrow
Let's just lie here in the sky
And talk about our changing lives
Let's forget about everything,
Everything but us

You drove away today, you know
With the broken heart I'd always dealt with alone
Can't deal with this emptiness on my own

Let's just lie here under the stars
Let's forget everything that we have to deal with it,
We'll deal with it tomorrow
Let's just lie here in the sky
And talk about our changing lives
Let's forget about everyting,
Everything but us

Just forget everything,
Everything but us
Everything but us

Hayden James

Hayden James, it has a ring to it
It makes my heart jump just to hear it
Since I never got to hear your heart beat
This is as close as I'll ever get and I mean
I wish I could take it back, and I mean it
Because you did nothing to deserve that, and I
Had no right to take away a life I
Was given to care for
And I have love for you
And I don't even know who you are
But I know you're mine, and you are
Everything I've ever wanted
Mommy loves you so much more
Than she ever thought she could
And she's so sorry, baby
I miss you, Baby..
I stayed awake last night thinking of you
Imagining what you looked like, your hair
Your eyes, you had Daddy's
I just know it, because he has beautiful eyes
You had my attitude, and I'd regret it
Years down the road, when you wanted to grow up
And I wouldn't want to let go of you
You had my stubborn will, and you'd have me
And Daddy wrapped around your pinky
You had your Daddy's sweet demeanor
And you'd be his little boy, Hayden James
He always wanted a baby Hayden, you know
I wanted a baby boy, and I got you
I don't know what you were, and I wish I could
Because I'd sacrifice everything, I really would
I'd do everything a good mommy should
And I'm sorry, so sorry, that I didn't
I hope you can see me from your place in Heaven
I want you to read everything I'm writing
Maybe your grandpa can teach you how to read

I tried to come to you, Baby
I took the pills, I made the cuts
I wanted to be with you so badly
Because you're my version of heaven
And now that you're gone, I'm back in Hell
I'd do anything to come see you
Meet you
I wanna be with you, Baby
And I'm crying as I write this, because
I know you don't deserve this
But I'm so sorry, Darling, I'd take it back
If only I could, I guess God isn't gonna share
That must mean you're as perfect as I believe you to be
'Cuz everyone wants the beautiful people
And you're the most beautiful person I've ever known
Because you're my baby, my love
You're mine, and I love you, through everything
I love you, Hayden James.

Dear World the Second

Dear everyone,
I'm sorry I left, but I need to follow him
Or her, I'm not sure which it is
But I'm sitting here, waiting for the end
Because I don't deserve this life after my offense
And I regret everything, every single thing
I'm saying my goodbyes in poetry,
Because I'm too ashamed to be realistic
I guess I'm masochicstic or something
Maybe I'm just sadistic
I don't really know
All I know is I hate myself, and if you knew
I know you would too

Dear James,
I can't begin to explain myself
All I can say is I hate myself
I know you would have been a perfect father
And you would have loved your son or daughter
Hayden is Baby's name, I picked it out for you
Because you always wanted a Hayden
So I chose Hayden James
And I'm sorry I didn't know you to treat you
Didn't even come close to appreciating you
And I'm sorry for that, because I really do love you
I'm sorry

Dear Mommy,
You almost had a grandbaby
And I took that baby away, and I'm sorry
I can't even say it enough
And I'm sorry Daddy left you, and I've always blamed myself
Because maybe if I'd been the boy he wanted
He would have stayed with us
And I'm sorry we had to leave you alone
I know your house is my real home
But I don't deserve it and I'm sorry

Dear friends,
You've always been there for me,
Either as a friend or an enemy
And I wish I could tell you honestly what you mean to me
But I can't, because I'm not exactly sweet or sappy
But I love you all

I'm Honestly Too Depressed To Write..

And the worst part is I'll never know
Who you were, where you'd go in life
And I wouldn't have been able to give you everything
I want to give you everything you need
I would give anything to at least know for sure
And I'd give up my life to see
Your beautiful face looking back at me
Through the doctor appointments, through the glass
Let Daddy hold you, love you right
Because we have so much love to give you, even though we're only
Children ourselves, and that's why you must've left
I guess that's why you left, because I couldn't resist
The fucking drinking and this shit!
And now I'm sitting here crying,
Trying to figure out how to tell your Daddy
Because Daddy and I moved on, we broke up
But if I had known you were there, I'd have shut up
I would have made you a home where I had none
I would have told you every day you're beautiful
Because you are
And even though I didn't get to know you, I still feel empty
I didn't even know you were in me
But I remember the blood
And the test saying 'No baby here'
That kills me, Darling...

The End- Spoken

The End spoken word, by me!
http://breemariej.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-end.html  <<<<< url

Will You Ever Know?

It seems no matter what I do, you'll never be satisfied
And no matter what I say, you'll always think I lied
Like it doesn't matter how I paint it, I won't be tall
Enough to cover up the writing on the wall
The words, they burn holes through my shirt
Setting my skin aflame with their truth
Their lies cool the fiery youth
These writings on my wall are true
Yet they're false, because they're words suffocate me
I'm suffocting, can't you see me?
If I'm not good enough after all this time
What makes you worth all of mine?
Why must I imagine you prior to the whiskey
Why do you still have such a hold on me?
I still drink to sleep
When you pop up in my dreams
I inhale the smoke whenever I see
Your picture on your Facebook, all up in my news feed
And I can't delete, becaue then I won't suffer
I guess I want to know I can still feel for
You, unlike you for me
Bit by bit, I'm breaking down
Only to be held up by the fact you knocked me down
And I want to defy you
With everything I am, I want to bind you
To me, to my pain, so you can feel everything
DO YOU FEEL ME NOW?
Do you feel the terror as you move my body
Can you feel the shock as you 'whip it out' and shove it in me?
Will you ever know what you did to me?

It Sucks

I don't care if you're a mistake
You're the only one I'll admit to making
Because I'm enjoyed this messed up
Fucked up, everything that's wrong about us
Because my dad hates you, as he hates me
But that's how we are, and we're violently bleeding
We stab each other with our hearts' broken shards
Drawing out the blood we used to drink
Because we had nothing better do with ourselves besides think
Thinking revenge, thinking paranoia
But it honestly got kind of annoying
This isn't about him, or her, or them
This is about living in the moment
Because I'm sick of thinking of the future
Of college, of marraige, of being a godmom
And I have to hold it all together with a little bit of duct tape
And it sucks
But this, what we have, this keeps me afloat
Because you listen, we talk, and we work it all out
And looking at you just makes my stressed-out self
Shut up and be calm, you make me rest
You're the reason I'm still sane
I've been trying to hard to save something
That's falling apart so hard
That I'd forgotten to look beyond it, into what was really happening
And it sucked.
But you saved me, you save me, you make me happy

Who DAFAQ Do You Think You Are?!

This is about Beauty. Watch this shit. Right there^^^

Happily Ever After

If I could tell the future, I know what I'd see
You're recovered, fully grown, and so happy
I'd be watching you from a distance, knowing
I walked away at the time you wanted me close
I don't want to be needed, it petrifies me
And the fact you rely on me, makes me see
I'm nothing like the girl think me to be
Because I'm just a teen
And I'm still enjoying my freedom
I've been held down for so long, I'm finally letting go
Only to be held by you, to silently scream the truth
I'm never gonna be myself,
When I'm trying so hard to be someone else
For you, to make you happy, satisfied
What about my satisfaction?
I could kill myself for hurting you
Breaking you
Making you everything you feared
Saying everything you don't wanna hear
But you hear it anyway,
I'm leaving today
And I'm sorry I made you think
This was a new remedy
But it's not
I've been trying tio convince myself I love you
And only you
But I'm only fooling myself and you
Because this need to get away
Is stronger every day
And I'm sick of the lies
Of saying goodbye
Only to be convinced otherwise
Because THEY have my future planned
And THEY want me to marry you
THEY want me to stay with you
But THEY aren't me
THEY don't feel my feelings
And I know this hurts, because it kills me
But my friend was right, I need to be happy
If this is what it takes, I'll take it
And maybe someday, if we're meant to be
We'll find each other again, and live our lives happily ever after

Better Than Me

My mind is saying no but my heart is saying yes
And I don't know who to believe, who's just a guess
My body responds to one, but the other turns it off
And I don't seem to react to him the way I should've
I should've stopped this before it happened,
But it's happening again now
I don't want to get hurt again
Even though I always, always
Always
Hurt you, and I hate it
Do you see me?
Do you see how much I hate myself?
Every time you want to cry, I do
And every single cut I make, it's all for you
Every shot of poison I take, it's because of you
Because I hate myself
You deserve better than me
Much, much better than me
I hate hearing how my face was glowing
When I wish you were part of the knowing
It kills to know I think of him when I'm with you
And you deserve much better than me
He says cheating's God's way of saying
You're not destined to be together
But I promised you forever
And I swore on your life
I'd never hurt you, but I lie
I lied, and I cheated, and I broke your heart
But you didn't break mine, because there's nothing to break
If I can treat you this way..
I shouldn't be able to treat you this way...

The Whore Inside

"Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go

You have made my life complete, and I love you so

Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfilled

For my darling, I love you, and I always will"

You will, but you'll love your version of me

Because she's the perfect I can't be

She's got the body, the face, the beauty

And she's the one running barefoot in your dreams

Because she's got so much potential

And I know this is intentional,

I'm a tease, I'll ease your mind a little

I'll tell you right now I can make you want me

I can be innocent, a schoolgirl with braids

But if you need some shameless sex, I can be a maid

I can be your nurse, I'm really good at anatomy

And I'm good at kissing your problems away, you see

I'm the inner whore, just trying her hardest to escape

This jail I've been imprisoned in, I'm tired of this pain

These kryptonite bars trying to keep me contained

But you can't oppress me forever, because we belong together

The whore and the virgin, put in the same body

Now who's gonna win, who gets control of the scenery?

I'm gonna be the campion here

I'm gonna take over here

Because this woman I'm occupying, she's not perfect

And all she wants is to be beautiful, perfect

And I can make that happen, at least in her head

Because men like her size, her naivety, leading her to the bed

And she's just too good to realize they don't want to lie there
They don't wanna cuddle, they wanna pull her hair
Bite her, hurt her, scratch her, bruise her
They want to make her not remember her
Because if she's beautiful, she's got standards
So I step in and make sure this woman learns
How men are to be taken down, how to feel loved
Though love doesn't exist, I've convinced her of that
All she wants is to find someone that makes her wanna stop
She wants to stop, but she can't find the brakes at the top
Of the mountain, cascading down the slope
And she wants it to end, so she can go slowly
But she's falling so fast, so she begs for my help
And I'm a good friend, so I take over and help
Her fall, so she falls to her knees
And opens her mouth
She does what she's told, she doesn't know
He actually cares, he really wants more
And she doesn't care, because he's got what she needs
And she hates this addiction, because it feeds
Her, and she wants to starve, so I starve her
While he feeds her, but he just wants to love her
He wants to make her his everything, he loves her
He's convinced she's perfect, and he tells her he loves her
But she doesn't believe in love anymore, and he loves her
So she lets me take over, so I do
Just shed some clothes, show some skin
Don't worry, love, I'll let you in
I've already been violated, so I can sin again
It's okay, I'm in charge now,
So you can do what you want
But he does nothing, so I have to
I have to make this physical, to avoid the emotions
Because they get all tangled, all jumbled up, confused
And she would much rather know she's being used
Than think this is love when it's only lust and sex
Nothing more, her dreams on the subject
Are done, when I take over
Because love doesn't exist, and I'm here forever
For her, forever, together, inseparable
So I make it possible to both win
And I let him have a taste of her skin
He loves her tenderly, loves her sweet
But she's not responding, her heartbeat's
Gone like the wind in the open car window
Gone with the breath of her cigarette smoke
But he loves her, and she's falling
She's so scared, and she's calling me again
So I take over, the inner whore

Home Sweet Home

Dancing on the ice, thin as it is
And I'm tiptoeing across, under the bridge
Like the water I'd spilled there, gotta forgive
But it froze when my heart left
When you stole it away, the blood stopped
The ice is so thin, afraid to fall in
But I'll wake up when I drown
And my eyes will open and I'll finally see
Maybe I was worth it, this life I lead
Is it possible I was wrong?
For so long?
Was I living in an altered state?
A state of mind where the mind was my hell
Because all it did was tell me lies
And besides, I thought it was honesty
But that doesn't exist, does it baby?
Because I'm just crazy, doesn't faze me anymore
Just give me another shot of medicine,
Let me walk on the ice, let me dance
Because I've almost forgotten how to spin
When my world spins for me
Topsy turvy, rolly polly,
Staggered to the door, fell to the floor
On my knees crying out to the ceiling
Help me, please.
Just erase my memory, let me pretend
If only for a little while, I beg you
How dare you, take everything I am?
Who are you to think I can still stand?
The moon shines on my ice-thin path
Frost covering the clear, the medicine calms my fear
And I love it, because I love you
But I fear you, I'm terrified.
I ran, I hid, I smoked a few cigs
And I drank, I cried, I swore I was dying inside
Because you can't live heartless forever
And you have to have circulation to breathe
Get some blood in the capillaries
But this ice is so cold, so sharp, calling to me
And I can't break it, because then I'll be cold
Colder than I am now
I'm so cold, this ice is freezing me
But the vodka warms my throat as it goes down
And the cigarette burns my wrist, but no blood pours
I stand there, clicking my feet
Till the ice breaks, and I fall in
Home Sweet Home

I Should Have Saved You

I used to know this pretty girl
She'd always fall in love and relive the hurt
She'd wear a smile on her face and say it's okay
But she was dying inside, I know what it feels like
And now I'm standing here on a rainy day

She used to laugh, with a twinkle in her eye
She always swore to me, I'd never see her cry
And I know, that she was fighting a lost battle
But she held on to that bottle of time

And now I'm sitting in the rain
I'm crying out your name, can you hear me up there?
I left some flowers on your grave,
And I hate myself for letting you slip away
I should have saved you

I saw our picture, on my dresser in my bedroom
And there was dust all over your laughing face
I thought to myself, is there a way that she can see me?
Is she finally happy now that she's gone

And now I'm sitting in the rain
I'm crying out your name, can you hear me up there?
I left some flowers on your grave
And I hate myself for letting you slip away
I should have saved you

I should have held you tighter, spent the night
Or told you you were perfect to me
Because we're fighters, it's alright, we're
Taking the road no one travels by
But that's alright

Live In the Moment

So I was listening to some country song in gym class (when I was supposed to be participating in ultimate frisby), and it sparked a lyric in me: Live in the moment. So I wrote about it. Hopefully I'll actually live by my own words!

Sometimes I wake up and wanna lay back down

Sometimes I feel my world turn upside down, and I

Can’t tell my future from my thoughts from the past

And I just want to fall to the ground and lie there for as long as Heaven lasts

So I come to this place, where I feel safe, and I can dream

And I see that everything is exactly what I want it to be

So live in the moment and love who you are

You will never be in this place again, and you’ve come so far

You’ll never be more beautiful than you are now,

You’re so broken, but you’re perfect, so live in the moment

You go through the day, don’t need a brain to paste a smile

Don’t think twice, it’s your life, don’t need them for a while, and you

See that this ignorance makes you feel dead inside

But can’t you feel this burning, it’s burning you alive

So she goes home and lies there in the grass

And she thinks about the scars and everything in her past

She closed her eyes and pictured life as many times as

She could feel the fire, sick of the lies, so she sits there, she finds she has to

Live in the moment and love who you are

You’ll never be in this place again, and you’ve come so far

You’ll never be more beautiful than you are now

You’re so broken, but you’re perfect, so live in the moment

Just pause the clock, make it stop, just take some time to brush it off

Beauty is as beauty does and you are everything you’ll want,

Stepping stones on broken homes, shards of glass are bleeding me

Dry, so try to figure out the lies and find the truth to set me free

So live in the moment and love who you are

You’ll never be in the place again, and you’ve come so far

You’ll never be more beautiful than you are now

You’re so broken, but you’re perfect, so live in the moment.

The Invisibility Effect: Self-Harm

My thoughts on self-harm, disagree or agree. Don't care which. You also get a grand tour of my walls!
Comment for the next video, what should I discuss?!

Oblivion

I learned my lesson, play with fire
And you'll be branded a thief, a liar
A woman known if you feel desire
For something simple, sexy, no strings attached
But they attach anyway, on your part of the party
And they tie to mine, so we're intertwined
But I don't want this if it's another lie
If you want to have more on the side
Tell me now so I can have mine
For my piece of mind
So I don't expect to be The One
The girl waiting for you to come home
Only to realize she'll be alone tonight
I can be prepared, I can reconstruct
The walls I've built, I can raise them up
I know how men are, how they're ruled by their dicks
I've been down that road, and it makes me sick
If that's all you want, tell me
So I can shut you out if I need
And I can block out our memories
So I can fight off those sappy dreams
That I dream when I start to feel
And when I fall, I fall hard
So don't make me fall unless the landing's soft
I'm okay with a watery love
Because it'll be cool, flowing, calm
I'm okay with a burning passion,
There's only lust to that stuff
But a cushioned concrete hurts so much
And then, when I fall, I feel enough
Pain to know it's a lie,
You and I
And I don't want that
Because I'm in the process of feeling so strong
And I don't want to know I've got it all wrong
So sing me to sleep, a sad love song
Let me drift off into oblivious love

Alive

Just another dream, once again seeing things
Disappear even though I've been watching so hard
Hardly blinking, barely thinking,
Just watching, keeping guard over the secrets occupying my space
Spacing out to distance the hurt
Hurting because of the space
So I'll distance myself from you,
Like you did me, like you always have
Distance means nothing if loyalty means everything
When were you loyal? When you
Ripped my life apart, or when you
Poured salt into my open wounds
Rubbing it in, making it sting
But that doesn't matter, does it baby?
No, I have my vodka, my whores
My entertaining melodies, haunting every part of me
I have my body, don't need nobody else
I can win a million, and I can lose one
A face in my past is a reflection in the water
Rippled, moving, constantly changing
Angry to anxious to maddened enraging
Gratifying self-loathing telling myself
I deserve the worst, the best is too good
But that's okay, because beauty's impossible
And forgetting your thoughts is next to possible
With my vodka, my rum, and my feelings being numb
My cigarette buzzes, the smoke cleansing me
Making room through the clutter so I can be free
Let my mind be
In a state of a daze in a state of a haze
Unfazed by the dainty feminine ways
Of sipping mixed drinks, so lightly spiked
I'll take charge, make the less so liked
And the perfect man hated, like I've been hating him
Haunting him, feeling him, feeding him, loving him
Yet breaking him, shaking him, racing him back to life
To my life to live, let me be alive.

Hey You! Thanks.

I liked you better as a memory
A ghost of the past, better let be
I controlled it, controlled the dreams
And told myself it was good for me
I drank it up, swallowed it down, see?
I cut it all open to watch myself bleed
The pills were right there, just within reach
And I can't resist this feeling
Because it's numb, and you're dead
And I can kill you for every word you said
You killed me, it's only fair to let me cut off your head
And drown it in the toilet, let it bleed all over your bed
You told me what I wanted to hear
Come here and make me fear
You again, you're losing your grip on me
Because I'm finally starting to wean
Myself from the alcoholic happy
I'm smiling again, because I can scream
At the world for just being me
And I can run around playing like a kid again
Because you're no longer here, again.
Thank you for making me strong, again

Don't Argue With Me

You're beautiful, man

And I believe that with everything I am

Your insecurities are too secure

In the lies of the past, just break

Break the walls down you put up

And accept that you're beautiful, I'm not making it up

Because my lies are my own, and this is truth

You're awesome, you're beautiful, and I love that you're you

Because so many people are so fake now

And so many people go on about how

They know me, but they can't

Because you tell me secrets I've kept for weeks

And no one knows them besides me

Yet you do, how is that?

How do you know I'm still scarred?

Still marred by the incidents, I worked so hard

Pretending at being happy with this ending

And you know how to love the silence

Making it loud with our thoughts unsaid

But I love it, and I love that you sing

Serenading me with a smile, stay for a while

Just talk with me, I like your voice

Because it's honest, dead honest

And that's hard to find beneath all the lies

You believe, though I know they're false

You're beautiful, inside and out

And I can go on about

You forever

So don't argue.

The Invisibility Effect: Dieting

These are my personal and bystander-like views on extreme dieting, such as anorexia and bulimia. And there's a little surprise for ya'll at the end! Stay tuned next week for a video on self-harm! This will be fun :3 If you want me to create another video to elaborate on my experience with Ana and everything that is her, leave me a note and I'll get right on that!

The End

Oh dear, I brought out the depression stuff again. Here's to you, Asshole. Drink up.

I have a story I was asked to tell
But I don't know if I should tell you
Don't know if you're ready to hear it
It haunts me in the mirror, it
Is one of many
If you don't have the ability to see beyond
Your insecurity, comfortably speaking,
I mean no offense when I open this fence
That kept hidden the lies I've written
But I'll tell you, if you promise to do
What I'll ask you to..


The day..
That day was like any other day for her
She woke up, got dressed, answered the majority of her texts
Ignored a few, because she was too wired
Even though she was so tired from spending her free time
With a person she'd known in her life a long time ago
She was so giddy, happy with glee
That this one thing could just be
The beginning to every dream she'd dreamed about him
But she wanted to let it be a secret, she wanted to keep it quiet
She didn't want to ruin anything, she
Had friendships ruined because of this feeling, she
Didn't want this one to end too, because she says something too soon
Besides, she knew deep down, she wasn't what he wanted, he'd skip out
Before it got serious, she knew this
But she was always so good at pretending, so she faked it would never end
She spent an hour on her makeup, highlighting her features
She'd always been plain, even says her teachers
So she wanted to be beautiful, so she could attract him,
She didn't realize he wouldn't be swayed from his previously same significant other
So she looked pretty, went out to wait at his house for him and the friends
And that night, that night was the beginning of the end
He wasn't happy to begin with, but she was determined
To change that with a few of her smiles, they could be seen miles away,
People say
The group watched some movies, but she didn't see a thing
Because he was her everything
He was in her line of sight, though he was lying behind her
She was ready to lie in bed with him, just lie there with him
She had her night planned with him
So she got undressed, ready to sleep
When he came over to see her
He started to kiss her, her dreams came true once again
Then he started tearing at her clothes, this wasn't supposed to happen!
She thought it was a mistake, he must be exhausted,
So she casually said no, thought he'd lost it
But he just continued on with his lust
As he lifted her up and down, she was in shock
She didn't realize what was happening at first, she was like a doll
Til she felt the sensation between her legs, and it all
Came together, before he did
And she rolled off quickly, before his mind was changed
She crept off the bed, three in the a.m.
She fumbled for a t-shirt, found his instead
She tried to get upstairs, it was like she was drunk
She didn't want him to hear her go, want him to wake up
So she searched frantically for a knife or scissors
To relieve the burning ache within her
It hurt to feel this empty though she'd just been filled
She wished for a shower or even a rag
To just wash it all off, erase the whole thing
She found nothing, four in the morning
So she curled on the couch upstairs
And wished someone's mom was there
"Moms always know what to do, they're experts" she thought
"But my mom would be ashamed to know I'm not
As beautiful as she thinks.
If she knew what just happened, she wouldn't love me."
So she sat there, broken, empty, alone
In the dark, wishing she could go home
She cried for hours that night
Seven in the morning, she went back to the bed
Where everything was ruined in the end
She scooted as far away from him and his hand
As she possibly could, back against the wall
So she could fight if she needed to
She went to sleep..
Ten in the morning, she wakes up to him
To being cuddled up where she'd always been
Head on his chest, not remembering a thing
Except the pain
She quickly moved away, but he pulled her back
And said "I love you"
Well if it's love, last night was okay, right?
I want more, to erase last night
So she did what she thought he'd want
Because he's a man, and men are the same
Their gods are their privates, or so they say
She gave him head, on the very bed
That ruined everything about love in the end
Eleven a.m. the friends were awake
She pretended nothing happened, just in case
But her radiant smiles were absent that day
She sat on the couch with him as he played his games
Then he struck her, slapped her in front of his friends
She feinted laughter, though he'd just hurt her,
He continued til welts showed, and after
Tears stung her eyes, but she wouldn't cry
She wanted him to think she was one of the guys
So she remained quiet..
One in the afternoon, her ride came to get her
No smiles were given, let's just forget her
Night happened, but you could tell something was wrong
But she remained quiet the whole ride home
Her laughter was cold, restrained, and silent
But she knew if she tried, her parents would buy it
So she remained quiet..
Now at night, when she stares at the ceiling,
She relives that night, always still feeling every second
She thinks about that house, that night, that friend
And the rape that scarred her in the end


This is a story, and it's true from beginning to end
Now here's my one request of you, just pretend you're her
And think of that day
Think of others who've endured more
Just think.